<link rel='alternate' type='application/rss+xml' title='RSS' href='index.xml' />
Background: #fff
Foreground: #000
PrimaryPale: #8cf
PrimaryLight: #18f
PrimaryMid: #04b
PrimaryDark: #014
SecondaryPale: #ffc
SecondaryLight: #fe8
SecondaryMid: #db4
SecondaryDark: #841
TertiaryPale: #eee
TertiaryLight: #ccc
TertiaryMid: #999
TertiaryDark: #666
Error: #f88
body {background:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]];}

a {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]];}
a:hover {background-color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Background]];}
a img {border:0;}

h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {color:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryDark]]; background:transparent;}
h1 {border-bottom:2px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];}
h2,h3 {border-bottom:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];}

.button {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]]; border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::Background]];}
.button:hover {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]]; background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryLight]]; border-color:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryMid]];}
.button:active {color:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryMid]]; border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::SecondaryDark]];}

.header {background:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]];}
.headerShadow {color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]];}
.headerShadow a {font-weight:normal; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]];}
.headerForeground {color:[[ColorPalette::Background]];}
.headerForeground a {font-weight:normal; color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryPale]];}

.tabSelected {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]];
	border-left:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];
	border-top:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];
	border-right:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];
.tabUnselected {color:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; background:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]];}
.tabContents {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]]; background:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryPale]]; border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];}
.tabContents .button {border:0;}

#sidebar {}
#sidebarOptions input {border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]];}
#sidebarOptions .sliderPanel {background:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryPale]];}
#sidebarOptions .sliderPanel a {border:none;color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]];}
#sidebarOptions .sliderPanel a:hover {color:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; background:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]];}
#sidebarOptions .sliderPanel a:active {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]]; background:[[ColorPalette::Background]];}

.wizard {background:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryPale]]; border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]];}
.wizard h1 {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]]; border:none;}
.wizard h2 {color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; border:none;}
.wizardStep {background:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]];
	border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]];}
.wizardStep.wizardStepDone {background:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];}
.wizardFooter {background:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryPale]];}
.wizardFooter .status {background:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Background]];}
.wizard .button {color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryLight]]; border: 1px solid;
	border-color:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryPale]] [[ColorPalette::SecondaryDark]] [[ColorPalette::SecondaryDark]] [[ColorPalette::SecondaryPale]];}
.wizard .button:hover {color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; background:[[ColorPalette::Background]];}
.wizard .button:active {color:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; background:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; border: 1px solid;
	border-color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]] [[ColorPalette::PrimaryPale]] [[ColorPalette::PrimaryPale]] [[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]];}

.wizard .notChanged {background:transparent;}
.wizard .changedLocally {background:#80ff80;}
.wizard .changedServer {background:#8080ff;}
.wizard .changedBoth {background:#ff8080;}
.wizard .notFound {background:#ffff80;}
.wizard .putToServer {background:#ff80ff;}
.wizard .gotFromServer {background:#80ffff;}

#messageArea {border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::SecondaryMid]]; background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryLight]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]];}
#messageArea .button {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]]; background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryPale]]; border:none;}

.popupTiddler {background:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryPale]]; border:2px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]];}

.popup {background:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryPale]]; color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]]; border-left:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]]; border-top:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]]; border-right:2px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]]; border-bottom:2px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]];}
.popup hr {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]]; background:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]]; border-bottom:1px;}
.popup li.disabled {color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]];}
.popup li a, .popup li a:visited {color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; border: none;}
.popup li a:hover {background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryLight]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; border: none;}
.popup li a:active {background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryPale]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; border: none;}
.popupHighlight {background:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]];}
.listBreak div {border-bottom:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]];}

.tiddler .defaultCommand {font-weight:bold;}

.shadow .title {color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]];}

.title {color:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryDark]];}
.subtitle {color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]];}

.toolbar {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]];}
.toolbar a {color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];}
.selected .toolbar a {color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]];}
.selected .toolbar a:hover {color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]];}

.tagging, .tagged {border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryPale]]; background-color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryPale]];}
.selected .tagging, .selected .tagged {background-color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]]; border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]];}
.tagging .listTitle, .tagged .listTitle {color:[[ColorPalette::PrimaryDark]];}
.tagging .button, .tagged .button {border:none;}

.footer {color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];}
.selected .footer {color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]];}

.error, .errorButton {color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; background:[[ColorPalette::Error]];}
.warning {color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryPale]];}
.lowlight {background:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryLight]];}

.zoomer {background:none; color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]]; border:3px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]];}

.imageLink, #displayArea .imageLink {background:transparent;}

.annotation {background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryLight]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; border:2px solid [[ColorPalette::SecondaryMid]];}

.viewer .listTitle {list-style-type:none; margin-left:-2em;}
.viewer .button {border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::SecondaryMid]];}
.viewer blockquote {border-left:3px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]];}

.viewer table, table.twtable {border:2px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]];}
.viewer th, .viewer thead td, .twtable th, .twtable thead td {background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryMid]]; border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Background]];}
.viewer td, .viewer tr, .twtable td, .twtable tr {border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]];}

.viewer pre {border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::SecondaryLight]]; background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryPale]];}
.viewer code {color:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryDark]];}
.viewer hr {border:0; border-top:dashed 1px [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]]; color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]];}

.highlight, .marked {background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryLight]];}

.editor input {border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]];}
.editor textarea {border:1px solid [[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]]; width:100%;}
.editorFooter {color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]];}
.readOnly {background:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryPale]];}

#backstageArea {background:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; color:[[ColorPalette::TertiaryMid]];}
#backstageArea a {background:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; border:none;}
#backstageArea a:hover {background:[[ColorPalette::SecondaryLight]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; }
#backstageArea a.backstageSelTab {background:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]];}
#backstageButton a {background:none; color:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; border:none;}
#backstageButton a:hover {background:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; color:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; border:none;}
#backstagePanel {background:[[ColorPalette::Background]]; border-color: [[ColorPalette::Background]] [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]] [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]] [[ColorPalette::TertiaryDark]];}
.backstagePanelFooter .button {border:none; color:[[ColorPalette::Background]];}
.backstagePanelFooter .button:hover {color:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]];}
#backstageCloak {background:[[ColorPalette::Foreground]]; opacity:0.6; filter:alpha(opacity=60);}
* html .tiddler {height:1%;}

body {font-size:.75em; font-family:arial,helvetica; margin:0; padding:0;}

h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {font-weight:bold; text-decoration:none;}
h1,h2,h3 {padding-bottom:1px; margin-top:1.2em;margin-bottom:0.3em;}
h4,h5,h6 {margin-top:1em;}
h1 {font-size:1.35em;}
h2 {font-size:1.25em;}
h3 {font-size:1.1em;}
h4 {font-size:1em;}
h5 {font-size:.9em;}

hr {height:1px;}

a {text-decoration:none;}

dt {font-weight:bold;}

ol {list-style-type:decimal;}
ol ol {list-style-type:lower-alpha;}
ol ol ol {list-style-type:lower-roman;}
ol ol ol ol {list-style-type:decimal;}
ol ol ol ol ol {list-style-type:lower-alpha;}
ol ol ol ol ol ol {list-style-type:lower-roman;}
ol ol ol ol ol ol ol {list-style-type:decimal;}

.txtOptionInput {width:11em;}

#contentWrapper .chkOptionInput {border:0;}

.externalLink {text-decoration:underline;}

.indent {margin-left:3em;}
.outdent {margin-left:3em; text-indent:-3em;}
code.escaped {white-space:nowrap;}

.tiddlyLinkExisting {font-weight:bold;}
.tiddlyLinkNonExisting {font-style:italic;}

/* the 'a' is required for IE, otherwise it renders the whole tiddler in bold */
a.tiddlyLinkNonExisting.shadow {font-weight:bold;}

#mainMenu .tiddlyLinkExisting,
	#mainMenu .tiddlyLinkNonExisting,
	#sidebarTabs .tiddlyLinkNonExisting {font-weight:normal; font-style:normal;}
#sidebarTabs .tiddlyLinkExisting {font-weight:bold; font-style:normal;}

.header {position:relative;}
.header a:hover {background:transparent;}
.headerShadow {position:relative; padding:4.5em 0 1em 1em; left:-1px; top:-1px;}
.headerForeground {position:absolute; padding:4.5em 0 1em 1em; left:0; top:0;}

.siteTitle {font-size:3em;}
.siteSubtitle {font-size:1.2em;}

#mainMenu {position:absolute; left:0; width:10em; text-align:right; line-height:1.6em; padding:1.5em 0.5em 0.5em 0.5em; font-size:1.1em;}

#sidebar {position:absolute; right:3px; width:16em; font-size:.9em;}
#sidebarOptions {padding-top:0.3em;}
#sidebarOptions a {margin:0 0.2em; padding:0.2em 0.3em; display:block;}
#sidebarOptions input {margin:0.4em 0.5em;}
#sidebarOptions .sliderPanel {margin-left:1em; padding:0.5em; font-size:.85em;}
#sidebarOptions .sliderPanel a {font-weight:bold; display:inline; padding:0;}
#sidebarOptions .sliderPanel input {margin:0 0 0.3em 0;}
#sidebarTabs .tabContents {width:15em; overflow:hidden;}

.wizard {padding:0.1em 1em 0 2em;}
.wizard h1 {font-size:2em; font-weight:bold; background:none; padding:0; margin:0.4em 0 0.2em;}
.wizard h2 {font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold; background:none; padding:0; margin:0.4em 0 0.2em;}
.wizardStep {padding:1em 1em 1em 1em;}
.wizard .button {margin:0.5em 0 0; font-size:1.2em;}
.wizardFooter {padding:0.8em 0.4em 0.8em 0;}
.wizardFooter .status {padding:0 0.4em; margin-left:1em;}
.wizard .button {padding:0.1em 0.2em;}

#messageArea {position:fixed; top:2em; right:0; margin:0.5em; padding:0.5em; z-index:2000; _position:absolute;}
.messageToolbar {display:block; text-align:right; padding:0.2em;}
#messageArea a {text-decoration:underline;}

.tiddlerPopupButton {padding:0.2em;}
.popupTiddler {position: absolute; z-index:300; padding:1em; margin:0;}

.popup {position:absolute; z-index:300; font-size:.9em; padding:0; list-style:none; margin:0;}
.popup .popupMessage {padding:0.4em;}
.popup hr {display:block; height:1px; width:auto; padding:0; margin:0.2em 0;}
.popup li.disabled {padding:0.4em;}
.popup li a {display:block; padding:0.4em; font-weight:normal; cursor:pointer;}
.listBreak {font-size:1px; line-height:1px;}
.listBreak div {margin:2px 0;}

.tabset {padding:1em 0 0 0.5em;}
.tab {margin:0 0 0 0.25em; padding:2px;}
.tabContents {padding:0.5em;}
.tabContents ul, .tabContents ol {margin:0; padding:0;}
.txtMainTab .tabContents li {list-style:none;}
.tabContents li.listLink { margin-left:.75em;}

#contentWrapper {display:block;}
#splashScreen {display:none;}

#displayArea {margin:1em 17em 0 14em;}

.toolbar {text-align:right; font-size:.9em;}

.tiddler {padding:1em 1em 0;}

.missing .viewer,.missing .title {font-style:italic;}

.title {font-size:1.6em; font-weight:bold;}

.missing .subtitle {display:none;}
.subtitle {font-size:1.1em;}

.tiddler .button {padding:0.2em 0.4em;}

.tagging {margin:0.5em 0.5em 0.5em 0; float:left; display:none;}
.isTag .tagging {display:block;}
.tagged {margin:0.5em; float:right;}
.tagging, .tagged {font-size:0.9em; padding:0.25em;}
.tagging ul, .tagged ul {list-style:none; margin:0.25em; padding:0;}
.tagClear {clear:both;}

.footer {font-size:.9em;}
.footer li {display:inline;}

.annotation {padding:0.5em; margin:0.5em;}

* html .viewer pre {width:99%; padding:0 0 1em 0;}
.viewer {line-height:1.4em; padding-top:0.5em;}
.viewer .button {margin:0 0.25em; padding:0 0.25em;}
.viewer blockquote {line-height:1.5em; padding-left:0.8em;margin-left:2.5em;}
.viewer ul, .viewer ol {margin-left:0.5em; padding-left:1.5em;}

.viewer table, table.twtable {border-collapse:collapse; margin:0.8em 1.0em;}
.viewer th, .viewer td, .viewer tr,.viewer caption,.twtable th, .twtable td, .twtable tr,.twtable caption {padding:3px;}
table.listView {font-size:0.85em; margin:0.8em 1.0em;}
table.listView th, table.listView td, table.listView tr {padding:0 3px 0 3px;}

.viewer pre {padding:0.5em; margin-left:0.5em; font-size:1.2em; line-height:1.4em; overflow:auto;}
.viewer code {font-size:1.2em; line-height:1.4em;}

.editor {font-size:1.1em;}
.editor input, .editor textarea {display:block; width:100%; font:inherit;}
.editorFooter {padding:0.25em 0; font-size:.9em;}
.editorFooter .button {padding-top:0; padding-bottom:0;}

.fieldsetFix {border:0; padding:0; margin:1px 0px;}

.zoomer {font-size:1.1em; position:absolute; overflow:hidden;}
.zoomer div {padding:1em;}

* html #backstage {width:99%;}
* html #backstageArea {width:99%;}
#backstageArea {display:none; position:relative; overflow: hidden; z-index:150; padding:0.3em 0.5em;}
#backstageToolbar {position:relative;}
#backstageArea a {font-weight:bold; margin-left:0.5em; padding:0.3em 0.5em;}
#backstageButton {display:none; position:absolute; z-index:175; top:0; right:0;}
#backstageButton a {padding:0.1em 0.4em; margin:0.1em;}
#backstage {position:relative; width:100%; z-index:50;}
#backstagePanel {display:none; z-index:100; position:absolute; width:90%; margin-left:3em; padding:1em;}
.backstagePanelFooter {padding-top:0.2em; float:right;}
.backstagePanelFooter a {padding:0.2em 0.4em;}
#backstageCloak {display:none; z-index:20; position:absolute; width:100%; height:100px;}

.whenBackstage {display:none;}
.backstageVisible .whenBackstage {display:block;}
StyleSheet for use when a translation requires any css style changes.
This StyleSheet can be used directly by languages such as Chinese, Japanese and Korean which need larger font sizes.
body {font-size:0.8em;}
#sidebarOptions {font-size:1.05em;}
#sidebarOptions a {font-style:normal;}
#sidebarOptions .sliderPanel {font-size:0.95em;}
.subtitle {font-size:0.8em;}
.viewer table.listView {font-size:0.95em;}
@media print {
#mainMenu, #sidebar, #messageArea, .toolbar, #backstageButton, #backstageArea {display: none !important;}
#displayArea {margin: 1em 1em 0em;}
noscript {display:none;} /* Fixes a feature in Firefox where print preview displays the noscript content */
<div class='header' macro='gradient vert [[ColorPalette::PrimaryLight]] [[ColorPalette::PrimaryMid]]'>
<div class='headerShadow'>
<span class='siteTitle' refresh='content' tiddler='SiteTitle'></span>&nbsp;
<span class='siteSubtitle' refresh='content' tiddler='SiteSubtitle'></span>
<div class='headerForeground'>
<span class='siteTitle' refresh='content' tiddler='SiteTitle'></span>&nbsp;
<span class='siteSubtitle' refresh='content' tiddler='SiteSubtitle'></span>
<div id='mainMenu' refresh='content' tiddler='MainMenu'></div>
<div id='sidebar'>
<div id='sidebarOptions' refresh='content' tiddler='SideBarOptions'></div>
<div id='sidebarTabs' refresh='content' force='true' tiddler='SideBarTabs'></div>
<div id='displayArea'>
<div id='messageArea'></div>
<div id='tiddlerDisplay'></div>
<div class='toolbar' macro='toolbar [[ToolbarCommands::ViewToolbar]]'></div>
<div class='title' macro='view title'></div>
<div class='subtitle'><span macro='view modifier link'></span>, <span macro='view modified date'></span> (<span macro='message views.wikified.createdPrompt'></span> <span macro='view created date'></span>)</div>
<div class='tagging' macro='tagging'></div>
<div class='tagged' macro='tags'></div>
<div class='viewer' macro='view text wikified'></div>
<div class='tagClear'></div>
<div class='toolbar' macro='toolbar [[ToolbarCommands::EditToolbar]]'></div>
<div class='title' macro='view title'></div>
<div class='editor' macro='edit title'></div>
<div macro='annotations'></div>
<div class='editor' macro='edit text'></div>
<div class='editor' macro='edit tags'></div><div class='editorFooter'><span macro='message views.editor.tagPrompt'></span><span macro='tagChooser excludeLists'></span></div>
To get started with this blank [[TiddlyWiki]], you'll need to modify the following tiddlers:
* [[SiteTitle]] & [[SiteSubtitle]]: The title and subtitle of the site, as shown above (after saving, they will also appear in the browser title bar)
* [[MainMenu]]: The menu (usually on the left)
* [[DefaultTiddlers]]: Contains the names of the tiddlers that you want to appear when the TiddlyWiki is opened
You'll also need to enter your username for signing your edits: <<option txtUserName>>
These [[InterfaceOptions]] for customising [[TiddlyWiki]] are saved in your browser

Your username for signing your edits. Write it as a [[WikiWord]] (eg [[JoeBloggs]])

<<option txtUserName>>
<<option chkSaveBackups>> [[SaveBackups]]
<<option chkAutoSave>> [[AutoSave]]
<<option chkRegExpSearch>> [[RegExpSearch]]
<<option chkCaseSensitiveSearch>> [[CaseSensitiveSearch]]
<<option chkAnimate>> [[EnableAnimations]]

Also see [[AdvancedOptions]]

This tiddler was automatically created to record the details of this server
A quick update on what has recently been added or modified:
 'tiddler.modified && ! tiddler.tags.contains("excludeLists")' 
 '(index < 10) ? "# [["+tiddler.title+"]]\n" : ""'>> 
Guy walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender. Reaching into his pants pocket, he pulls out a hundred dollar bill. "Set up everybody in the place!" he shouts. The bartender obliges.

Suddenly, a little man jumps out of the guy's pocket, runs down the bar, and kicks all of the drinks, smokes, change, etc on the floor. He runs back and jumps back into the guys pocket. Bartender asks what's going on. 

The guy just reaches back into his pants pocket, pulls out another hundred, and says "Just set everybody up again." Bartender obliges once more, suspiciously watching the guy. 

Once more the little man appears from the guys shirt pocket. Runs down the bar, breaks the glasses, pitches the napkins into the air, etc. Runs back and jumps into the shirt pocket again. This time the guy buttons the pocket. 

Bartender says "Explain yourself, or leave." 

Guy says "Well....I was walking down the beach one day, and ran across a bottle in the sand. Turns out there is a Genie in the bottle. Gave me 3 wishes! So first wish was to never run out of cash again. Now every time I reach into my pants pocket there is a hundred dollar bill! Second wish was to never be lonely again. Went back to my apartment and there waiting for me were 3 of the most beautiful super models you have ever seen, all willing to do whatever I desired!"

"Third wish...I wished for a 12 inch prick, and THIS IS THE LITTLE BASTARD I GOT!!!"
On the first night of Xmas
My true love gave to me:
A handjob in the back seat.

On the 2nd night of Xmas
My true love gave to me:
2 bouncy breasts
and a handjob in the back seat.

On the 3rd night of Xmas
My true love gave to me:
3 holes for filling
2 bouncy breasts
and a handjob in the back seat.

On the 4th night of Xmas
My true love gave to me:
4 leather cuffs
3 holes for filling
2 bouncy breasts
and a handjob in the back seat.

On the 5th night of Xmas
My true love gave to me:
5 anal plugs
4 leather cuffs
3 holes for filling
2 bouncy breasts
and a handjob in the back seat.

On the 6th night of Xmas
My true love gave to me:
6 couples playing
5 anal plugs
4 leather cuffs
3 holes for filling
2 bouncy breasts
and a handjob in the back seat.

On the 7th night of Xmas
My true love gave to me:
7 times of cuming
6 couples playing
5 anal plugs
4 leather cuffs
3 holes for filling
2 bouncy breasts
and a handjob in the back seat.

On the 8th night of Xmas
My true love gave to me:
8 maids for milking
7 times of cuming
6 couples playing
5 anal plugs
4 leather cuffs
3 holes for filling
2 bouncy breasts
and a handjob in the back seat.

On the 9th night of Xmas
My true love gave to me:
9 strippers dancing
8 maids for milking
7 times of cuming
6 couples playing
5 anal plugs
4 leather cuffs
3 holes for filling
2 bouncy breasts
and a handjob in the back seat.

On the 10th night of Xmas
My true love gave to me:
10 butts for whipping
9 strippers dancing
8 maids for milking
7 times of cuming
6 couples playing
5 anal plugs
4 leather cuffs
3 holes for filling
2 bouncy breasts
and a handjob in the back seat.

On the 11th night of Xmas
My true love gave to me:
11 subs I'm keeping
10 butts for whipping
9 strippers dancing
8 maids for milking
7 times of cuming
6 couples playing
5 anal plugs
4 leather cuffs
3 holes for filling
2 bouncy breasts
and a handjob in the back seat.

On the 12th night of Xmas
My true love gave to me:
12 hours sleeping
11 subs I'm keeping
10 butts for whipping
9 strippers dancing
8 maids for milking
7 times of cuming
6 couples playing
5 anal plugs
4 leather cuffs
3 holes for filling
2 bouncy breasts
and a handjob in the back seat.

Personally I think I made out like a bandit!
<html><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/k8x14cLGh5o"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/k8x14cLGh5o" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object></html>

An 8 year old telling the truth. I am not sure O'Reilly can handle that.
But then he lives in a different world then the rest of us.

Stolen from: [[dr_x_online|http://dr-x-online.livejournal.com/9378.html]] as it was just to good to pass up.
Now, I'm not claiming to be an expert, but a collaboration of people have come up with these mistakes that sometimes happen in bed...

!40 Mistakes Men Make While Having Sex With Women
(Some men really need to read this)

''1. Not kissing first.''
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

''2. Blowing too hard in her ear.''
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

''3. Not shaving.''
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

''4. Squeezing her breast.''
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

''5. Biting her nipples.''
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

''6. Twiddling her nipples.''
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

''7. Ignoring the other parts of her body.''
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

''8. Getting the hand trapped.''
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

''9. Leaving her a little present.''
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

''10. Attacking the clitoris.''
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

''11. Stopping for a break.''
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

''12. Undressing her awkwardly.''
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

''13. Giving her a wedgie during foreplay.''
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

''14. Being obsessed with the vagina.''
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

''15. Massaging too roughly.''
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

''16. Undressing prematurely.''
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

''17. Taking your pants off first.''
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.

''18. Going too fast.''
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

''19. Going too hard.''
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

''20. Coming too soon.''
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

''21. Not coming soon enough.''
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

''22. Asking if she has come.''
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.

''23. Performing oral sex too gently.''
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

''24. Nudging her head down.''
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

''25. Not warning her before you climax.''
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

''26. Moving around during fellatio.''
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

''27. Taking etiquette advice from porn movies.''
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

''28. Making her ride on top for ages.''
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

''29. Attempting anal sex and pretending it was an accident.''
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

''30. Taking pictures.''
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

''31. Not being imaginative enough.''
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

''32. Slapping your stomach against hers.''
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

''33. Arranging her in stupid poses.''
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

''34. Looking for her prostate.''
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

''35. Giving love bites.''
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

''36. Barking instructions.''
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

''37. Talking dirty.''
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know

''38. Not caring whether she comes.''
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

''39. Squashing her.''
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

''40. Thanking her.''
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

!40 mistakes women make while having sex with men:
(some women really need to read this)

''1. Failing to wave the red flag.''
Dude, seriously. If you're on your period we still love you. We will still cuddle you. But warn us before we start having sex with you. Don't make it a "Special Surprise."

''2. TEETH.''
This goes for the obvious parts: Please don't bite us THERE. You don't like it when we chew on your bits, do you? This also goes for several other places. Sometimes aggressive biting can be sexy. Nibbling can be sexy. Hard Biting sometimes causes yelling, and screaming... and running...

''3. Men Don't Wear Bras!''
Don't laugh at us if we don't understand the bizarre and inconsistent ways in which yours fastens. If you want to be undressed gracefully, throw us a freakin' bone there.

''4. Don't Forget the Fellas...''
We have balls. They live in a happy little sack, but frequently feel like they weren't invited to the party. Play with them. Touch them, for God's sake. And... oh... could you lick them from time to time? Would it KILL you?

''5. ...But Don't Hurt The Fellas''
Of course, we say "touch them" but notice we did NOT say, "Use them for a punching bag." It's a happy little sack. Be gentle with it.

''6. God Gave You Hands!''
It's wonderful that you have decided to use your mouth on Mr. Happy. However, you can shake his hand first, and even more importantly, keep a firm hand on him while your mouth does those wonderful things you know how to do. Deep throating is awesome, but you can accomplish more or less the same thing with a firm hand working in tandem with your hot mouth.

''7. Go Ahead And Be A Little Trashy.''
We'll still respect you later. Honest. But sometimes it can be somewhat trying to always have to draw out the shy violet. Take a chance and let that inner sex kitten loose one of these nights. Strut around naked. Tell us something you want us to do to you. Say something dirty.

''8. Take Control!''
Don't make us always have to be the seducer. Bring it up once in a while. Yeah, yeah. I know. "You always bring it up first." So you're not in the mood all the time. Here's a hint: Tell us, "Hey, I wanna have sex with you on Friday night. I'll wear my sexy nightie and I promise that I'll bring it up and seduce you." Give yourself time to work up to it.

''9. Blow me.''
Ok, Blow me but don't BLOW me. Hot breathing in the ear? Sexy. Blowing like you're trying to get out of that other kind of blow job by blowing my mind through my ear? NOT SEXY.

''10. And while we're at it... BLOW ME.''
Please. Don't make us ask. We're not at our best when we're trying to figure out how to ask, "can I put my peepee in your mouth?"

''11. We're Not Psychic Friends:''
Speak up. If we're doing something too hard, or too soft, or not enough, or too much... say so. Don't lay there while we're going to town making out your laundry list and waiting for us to be done... ESPECIALLY if we're trying to make you come. Don't be too shy to say, HARDER, or FASTER, or Oooh, take it slow, or MORE!

''12. My Manhood Is Not Threatened By Your Hand.''
If you want to help out? Do. Seriously, it's hot. It's like getting porn while you're fucking.

''13. Not sure? Ask for directions...''
Is your jaw getting tired? Are we not getting where we're going? ASK FOR DIRECTIONS. We'll probably tell you what we need to get there.

''14. I know it's CALLED a "Blow Job" but...''
Suction. That's the ticket. Ok, don't try to suck a bowling ball through a garden hose, but suck on it. Mmm. Yeah.

''15. You're Not Going To Break It.''
All those feathery light touches? Crank it up a notch.

''16. Fuck Me Back!''
Don't lay there and go "oh yea. oh yea." Reach up with your hips. Wrap your legs around me. Grind into me. Squeeze with those magic muscles. Make some noise. Suggest a position change. Participate, ok?

''17. It Is Not A Puppy!''
So please don't call it "cute", "Adorable", "Sweet", or god forbid "Little."

''18. Bathe With Water, Not Perfume...''
Here's a hint: We like how girls actually smell. You don't have to be doused in floral scent, you don't have to be one big "CucumberMelon", I shouldn't be able to smell your perfume on the sheets three days later.

''19.... But Please Bathe.''
Wash that thing out from time to time. We're not going to eat at the Y if it's a funk factory.

''20. Do. Not. Laugh. At. It.''
Or me. Even if I do something astronomically stupid. And I probably will.

''21. The Screaming Was Great But I'm Not A Roller Coaster.''
"Can we go again?" The answer is NOT RIGHT NOW. And don't try to prove that you're hot stuff by trying to make the next ride happen immediately.

''22. Love is war, but let's leave the chemical weapons out of it!''
If we're down there, please hold back on that fart. Or warn us. Or something.

''23. Offer A Rain Check.''
If we're feeling frisky but you're really not into it and aren't interested in getting in the mood... offer a rain check. Don't just beg off, reschedule!

''24. YYYESS! ~ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz ...''
Oh, GOD. OH YES. (sigh)
And yes, I will be having a nap now, thanks for askingZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz
(So don't try to talk my ear off about what your mom said or your day at work right at this moment.)

''25. Speaking of your mom...''
Talking about relatives is not sexy. Don't mention your relatives or mine immediately before or after sex.

''26. Coin Operated Boy!''
Look, you don't like it when we treat you like you're only good "for one thing." We don't like being treated that way, either.

''27. Don't Worry About Your Toybox.''
Don't be afraid to ask if you want us to use a toy on you as well. It will not offend us, and it lets us have a little more of that 'oboyfreeporn' feeling.

When you come, let us know. Don't be subtle.

''29. This Isn't The Mall, and Sex Isn't Currency''
Don't hold our favorite positions as a bargaining chip. If we have to do your favorite positions for a week so we get 1position, 1 night of our fave, it's just going to piss us off.

''30. Boring Schedule vs Wacky Surprise''
Scheduled sex is sometimes sexy, because one has time to whet one's appetite. Spontaneous sex is sometimes sexy, for obvious reasons. Getting both, however, is the ultimate. The scheduled sessions gives us something to look forward to, and slipping a spontaneous session before the scheduled makes us think that you just couldn't wait..

''31. Sharing The Blooper Reel''
Everyone makes mistakes. If things don't really go according to plan...don't go broadcasting the story to all of your girlfriends. We REALLY hate that.

''32. Nine Inch Nails''
Scratching is nice, but don't gouge skin so we bleed. Nothing is more disconcerting than seeing your own blood dribble down your chest.

''33. What All Of Us Are Thinking''
HA. Thought we'd tell you, didn't you?

''34. Goal Oriented''
Contrary to popular belief, we like foreplay, too! Don't grab it, pull on it and expect to stick it in.

''35. Sex + Guilt = NO FUN FOR ANYONE''
If you like sex, don't feel guilty about it. By this same token, if you guilt someone into having sex, it will be lousy sex.

''36. We're Allowed A Veto''
If you want to be treated with respect when you say "Not Tonight" then give us that same respect when we're not in the mood ourselves. It does happen.

''37. No, the Game Is NOT More Important Than You.''
But it is important to us. No matter whether The Game is a sporting event, a computer game, or a Role Playing Game. We promise, when we're through we'll come pay attention to you. In the mean time, you're blocking the screen...

''38. De Plane! De Plane!''
If you have a fantasy you'd like us to live out, don't be surprised when we request the same thing of you. No, it does not mean that we want to have sex with the girl who cleans the next door neighbor's house. But we would like you to wear the french maid uniform...

''39. Siren Call!!!''
We like it when you make a lot of noise, but please refrain from screaming RIGHT in our ear?

''40. For The Last Time,''
No, you do NOT look fat.

Definately enlightened me to a couple things...
Can we make this manditory reading in Health Class?
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?" 

The guy said, "No."

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook and farted whenever she wanted.

The end
Near as I can make you if you are 9.5cm or less she charges $50 more. If you are 19.5+cm long she charges $150 less. So now the only question is what is her base rate?
An idea for politics.

Make a new group that is a peer to the House & Senate, but rather then making it a state based group make it represent the nation. Give it 200 seats, and then make the voting for it be by party. Each party gets a number of seats based upon the percentage of votes they received. The party gets to decide who gets the seat. This way if Joe didn't get the Senate seat, they can tap him to be on the other group. Why waste the best talent the party has?

How to get your party on the ballot? Collect 75k signatures nation wide. Doesn't matter if they all come from one state or city, or if it is a little from every part of the country. Oh, and make each party do it each time. This way they show that the people still want to support them, as well as stopping folks from writing rules that favor the parties already in existence.

It is a way small parties can actually get a chance to play with the big boys. Not to mention a chance for folks to vote for a minor party and not think that their vote is wasted. I think it is a good way for us to get out of this 2 party photo finish election system.
!A wet, wet girl
I don't think it could get any wetter.

If you dress like this women will start staring at you the second you walk in the room.
They will also be laughing, but it is better then when they ignored you, right?
I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.
I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.
If you would do this for me no one would ever know.
I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.
I am very desperate and I need your help.
You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.
I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so..
Do you have a piece of gum?
I find that the kind of Christians that always try to convert people to attend THIER church seem to be more scared of the agnostic then they are of athiest, those of other religions or other Christians. This mostly seems to be due to agnostics actually listening to them and then poking holes in what they said. They can't dismiss it as "They are brain washed by belief in false gods" or whatever. Nope, it is mearly that agnostics are looking for proof, something more then "It says so in the Bible". Gee, which version? What, there is only one Bible? Then why are there Bible book stores that contain 100+ versions of the Bible? Oh, those are false works? Really? So when was your version of the Bible written? Oh, that was rather recent. Are you sure that you have a true interpretation? And on and on and on....

Most agnostics have studied religion, often several different flavors, and know that for every good thing someone can claim for thier religion there are 2 or more bad things that they all atttempt to gloss over or dismiss. Like [[slavery|http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus%2021:7;&version=51;]], or [[eating various animals|http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Lev%2011:7;%20Is%2065:4;&version=65;]]. And if that Christian can pick and choose which parts of the Bible to follow, why can't other people? And what if someone chooses to follow a path that is 95% the same as that Christian's, but it comes from some other religious text, why is that wrong?

I have a million questions in search of a single answer, but in reality I know that I will only find it within myself.
[img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/alesha-almostporn3.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/alesha-almostporn9.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/alesha-almostporn1.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/alesha-almostporn2.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/alesha-almostporn5.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/alesha-almostporn6.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/alesha-almostporn4.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/alesha-almostporn7.jpg]]
|! | !Amount |
|Midori|1/2 oz|
|Pineapple juice|1/2 oz|
|Cream|1 tsp|

#Pour the Midori and pineapple juice into a shot glass. 
#Top off with the cream 
#Serve and enjoy.

About equal to wine in alcohol content.
At one time I was offered a role in an Adult movie. I was offered the role of ''Pizza Guy'', mostly due to my working as a pizza delivery guy at the time. Thing is that it was an all girl movie, so all I was going to get to do was show up at the door, deliver the pizza, get to watch the girls in the background going to town, and then spend the rest of the movie falling off stuff as I tried to peek in the windows to see some hot girl-on-girl action.

I turned the role (and $50) down.

Later I saw the finished product. I was glad I was not in it. It really was porn. No artistic quality to it at all. The story was worse then normal, and all the women they had in it looked like trailer park rejects who took thier pay in the drugs they took during the filming. Not one of them looked like they even liked the sex they were having. 

''Lesson to be learned here:'' If none of the people in a video look like they are enjoying the sex, odds are that no one else will either.
[img[http://www.omsex.com/peta/nakedpeta011.jpg][http://www.omsex.com/peta/]] [img[http://www.omsex.com/peta/nakedpeta010.jpg][http://www.omsex.com/peta/]] [img[http://www.omsex.com/peta/nakedpeta008.jpg][http://www.omsex.com/peta/]] [img[http://www.omsex.com/peta/nakedpeta007.jpg][http://www.omsex.com/peta/]] [img[http://www.omsex.com/peta/nakedpeta009.jpg][http://www.omsex.com/peta/]] [img[http://www.omsex.com/peta/nakedpeta012.jpg][http://www.omsex.com/peta/]] 
!Almost makes me understand Furries
These ladies are protesting that people eat animals, when they should be eating people instead (Just not in quite the same way).
And while I believe in 3 simple rules (No animals, no children, no dead things), I always have to ask myself 'Is it OK that I get turned on by some sexy girl dressed up as an animal?'. 

I just walked into the living room and saw what it is I've been wanting for a long time: A naked woman down on her hands and knees, cleaning the floor. OK she was cleaning up the coffee she split...but I knew I wanted it.
The bad part is she is going home on Sunday.
''How did it all start? ''
One night I was sitting at an outside table at a local [[coffee house|http://www.cwecartel.com/]].

A car with 2 girls in it parked across the street in the 45 degree parking. I saw a long bare leg come out of the passenger side. She barely had room to get her door open, so I saw that she was going to have to face me to get out. Doing some quick mental math I realized  there was no way she could avoid flashing me if she had on a short skirt. I thought to myself "this is one of those moments you need a camera". 

Just as she got out a truck drove between us. When it got out of the way I saw she was wearing a short skirt. I thought to myself "That was almost porn".

The next day I started coming up with ideas that fit into the AlmostPorn concept.
"Honey, would you like a dinner roll?"
"No, thanks."
"How about an After Dinner Roll?"
"I thought you'd never ask!"

In the long tradition of things reserved for after dinner; drinks, cigars, and mints; AlmostPorn is proud to bring you ''After Dinner Rolls''. Something to share with the ones you love, or even the  hottie you brought home from work.

Non-fattening, stress relieving, and good for your heart. They are so good you should limit them to adults only, but don't be surprised if you catch the kids sneaking one behind your back every now and then. 

Yes indeed, nothing is quite as good as an after dinner roll.
In an effort to be a more interactive site we have installed a blog at <html><a href="http://www.almostporn.net/blog/wordpress/">almostporn.net/blog/wordpress/</a></html>. 
Come over and say hello, tell us what you like/dislike about the site, or even just bitch about life.
Ladies are you tired of your man going out with the boys and then coming home too tired and hungry to do anything with you? Is he not given you the oral satisfaction that he did back when you first started dating? Then what you need is ''~AlmostPorn Panty Spray''.

''~AlmostPorn Panty Sprays'' come in many unique flavors. Our newest flavor is Beer & BBQ. That's right, we have combined 3 of every real man's favorite flavors into one great product for you to guild your lilly with.

Other avalible flavors:
* Brie and Chardonnay: For those with a more dignified pallet and enough manners to remove the panties before dining.
* Coffee: This will get your man up in the morning like nothing else will. Also perks them up when they claim to be too tired.
* Hot Apple Pie: Your mom never served her pie like this, but the MILF next door sure did! Add some ice cream with it for an added bounus.
* Cherry Pie: Need we say more?
* White Castle Hamburgers: When you are in the mood for a quicky after a late night at the bar. It will have you screaming "It's what you crave!".
* Sweet & Sour Pork: Maybe not the best flavor but they will be hungry for more in an hour.
* Mayo with a hint of pickle: For those days you just don't feel that fresh.
* Chocolate: Smells so good you will want to eat it yourself.
* Fresh Baked Bread: Have you ever heard of anyone turning down fresh baked bread?
* Hawian Pizza: Offer them a piece, then watch as they eat the whole thing.

Is there any special flavor you would like to see us produce? Please contact us and let us know.
That is where you are.
No really, it is.
!Just in time for Xmas!
This space saving chair is sure to be a hit with women with crowded kitchens.
Imagine being able to make a fresh glass of juice at anytime for those you love.
|''Version:''|1.0.2 (6-Mar-2006)|
Hijacks core backupPath function, replacing the datetime naming system with a rotating set of backups (1 through 10 and then back to 1), whose number is limited by the user. Default number of backups is 10, but can be change by modifying the line ''backupFolder = "10"'' to what ever number you want.

* Possible to insert an option into the AdvancedOptions Tiddler? That'd make editing the number of backups that much easier.
!Revision History
* 1.0.2 (6-Mar-2006)
** Wrote code, totally stole SimonBaird's documentation system
* 1.0.1 (3-Mar-2006)
** Wrote code

        var MaxBackups = config.options.txtMaxBackups;
        if(!MaxBackups || MaxBackups == "")
                backupFolder = "10";
if (!config.options.txtCurrentBackup)

getBackupPath = function(localPath)
        var backSlash = true;
        var dirPathPos = localPath.lastIndexOf("\\");
        if(dirPathPos == -1)
                dirPathPos = localPath.lastIndexOf("/");
                backSlash = false;
        var backupFolder = config.options.txtBackupFolder;
        if(!backupFolder || backupFolder == "")
                backupFolder = ".";
        var backupPath = localPath.substr(0,dirPathPos) + (backSlash ? "\\" :
"/") + backupFolder + localPath.substr(dirPathPos);
        backupNum = config.options["txtCurrentBackup"];
        if (backupNum>config.options["txtMaxBackups"]) {
        backupPath = backupPath.substr(0,backupPath.lastIndexOf(".")) + "." +
backupNum + ".html";
        return backupPath;

!Alyson Hannigan - Why you can't always believe pictures
Someone made her just a little more chesty.
And in case you don't remember what she really looks like:

<html><object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" width="400" height="335"><param name="movie" value="http://pics.loadup.ru/scrubber.swf?file=v207m7r70wEeu7p7Y7E7n74wnwvwzwEwtwrw42a7v2n2twv7zwz2YeEez7a7Cw47E7p717v7ux&bufferTime=3&autoStart=false" /><embed src="http://pics.loadup.ru/scrubber.swf?file=v207m7r70wEeu7p7Y7E7n74wnwvwzwEwtwrw42a7v2n2twv7zwz2YeEez7a7Cw47E7p717v7ux&bufferTime=3&autoStart=false" quality="high" width="400" height="335" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object></html>
!Amazing Ass 2
Do I really need to say more?
<html><object width="470" height="390"><param name="movie" value="http://www.str8up.com/js/player.swf?t=253.619&f=sexy_girl_anabelle.flv&u=7737&a=false&i=4089"></param><embed src="http://www.str8up.com/js/player.swf?t=253.619&f=sexy_girl_anabelle.flv&u=7737&a=false&i=4089" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="470" height="390"></embed></object><br></html>
!Anabelle does a sexy Strip Tease
Watch as Annabelle slowly takes off each piece of clothing and eats grapes in a very sexy manner.
You have to picture the following being sung in a kind of suburban/Disney approved rap style.
Hello my name is Andi
I look as sweet as candy
But I don't play with little boys
Just sexy chicks with lots of toys

<html><img src="images/Andi.jpg" width="300" height="330" alt="Andi" align="right"></html>Ya wanna make me moan and scream
cause I’m your wet saphoric dream
a true... cunt munchin' slut
who likes to get freaky with a dildo up my butt

I want to spend the night with you
But you have ta tell me what to do
Make me... crawl across the floor
and tell you... I’m your dirty whore.
Tie me... face down to the bed
so you can relax as I give you head.

I make your juices drip and drop
with my tongue... goin' non-stop.
Your fingers tuggin’ on my hair
as ya make me lick you everywhere
Ya know I love your musky taste
as you grind yourself ‘cross my face

Then out comes your strap-on toy
thicker 'n' longer.. then any boy
First you make me lick it
before ya start ta stick it
in every... hole I got
n’ make me... cum quite a lot

And when I’m all-weak in the knees
You tell me it’s just the start for me
Tie me... spread eagle to the door
So you can fuck me a little more

Feel you lubin’ up my ass
So you can fuck it hard and fast
As I feel you spread my cheeks 
I know I will feel this for a week
Shovin’... four fingers in 
Cause that’s how you wanna begin

Later as I’m lying on the floor
My ass to tired to do any more
You say “Later if your lucky 
I just might... let you fuck me”
Then you walk right out the door
Abandoning this sluttish whore

Bitch!...I think I love you
[img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/anekee5.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/anekee7.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/anekee6.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/anekee9.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/anekee8.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/anekee3.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/anekee4.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/anekee1.jpg]] 
!Anekee Van Der Velden
Nice to look at and she is not store bought.
After many years of careful questioning, consideration and observation I have at last come to understand why the typical male fantasy is a sexual encounter with 2 bisexual females.

He is hoping to pick up some pointers, and maybe even learn what women really want in bed. I know that every time I get to watch 2 women paying attention to each other I learn a lot. And like most men I know that trying to learn what women want from watching porn is about the same as trying to learn how to fight by watching professional wrestling.

At this point I am still just a student, eager to learn from any women out there willing to teach me.

Also see [[Hot Bi-Babes & the Man]]
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At last someone has documented the many many ways that one can not make love.
http://apocalypticbob.livejournal.com/   [img[http://www.livejournal.com/userpic/56470903/5644318]]
And her friends:   [[Bob's Boobs|http://bobs-boobs.livejournal.com]] [img[http://www.livejournal.com/userpic/38034424/8919068]]

She's a great lady, who is just the right amount of naughty. She is even a very proud MILF.
I took quite a few pictures at Archon 2006.
All of the ones you might not want to catch your 10 year old child staring at, but are damn sure you want to see, are behind these pictures.
[img[Girl with Wings|images/Archon06/thumbnails/DSCN3130.jpg][http://almostporn.net/images/Archon06/]] [img[Jamie's lovely tape|images/Archon06/thumbnails/DSCN3036.jpg][http://almostporn.net/images/Archon06/]] [img[Shannon Keith|images/Archon06/thumbnails/DSCN2986.jpg][http://almostporn.net/images/Archon06/]]
68.3% of the US population fits in the range of these measurements

|!Average Male|>|>|
|Height|65.86 - 71.34 inches|68.60 avg|
|Chest|34.71 - 39.99 inches|37.35 avg|
|Waist|29.04 - 35.66 inches|32.35 avg|
|Hip|35.19 - 40.41 inches|37.80 avg|

|!Average Female|>|>|
|Height|61.67 - 66.83 inches|64.25 avg|
|Bust|32.51 - 37.79 inches|35.15 avg|
|Waist|25.26 - 31.04 inches|28.15 avg|
|Hip|35.29 - 40.21 inches|37.75 avg|

So, are you average?
Also see [[Females Compared]]
Take a look at the picture. What do you see?

Do you see dolphins? You don't? Look again.
OK, so now you see them.
Research has show that young children can not see the couple because they do not have prior memories  associated with such a scenario. All they can see is 9 dolphins.

''WARNING'': If it takes you more then 3 seconds to find the dolphins your mind is very corrupt.
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!Azis - Samo za Teb
Azis is a Bulgarian Romani chalga (pop-folk) singer. Rumor has it that he is bisexual, but currently has a husband.
If you liked it also see [[Azis i Desislava - Kazvash che me obichash]] which is so over the top... Wow! Madonna needs to take notes.
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!Azis i Desislava - Kazvash che me obichash (You Say You Love Me)
Azis is a is a Bulgarian Romani chalga (pop-folk) singer. This man knows how to make a video. He is currently married to his husband, Niki Kitaeca. Their marriage is not legally recognized by the laws of Bulgaria. In 2006 he was voted the 2nd most popular living person in Bulgaria. 
If you liked it also see [[Azis - Samo za Teb]], which is a lot less... dramatic.
Backdoor Betty had a face like a Yeti
but her body made ya just not care
when she's on her knees 
you is beggin' please
as she answerin' your prayers 
and all you'd see is her hair
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!Balls Out Jeans
Click to play.
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<br />
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!Sexy thick girl dancing
''Eyes:'' Hazel
''Hair:'' Red dark or light
''Height:'' 5-4 (so what! )
''Weight:'' 130 (muscle weighs more than fat!)
''Shoe Size:'' 7 1/2
''Status:'' Single
''Measurements:'' 36-26-38
''Sign:'' Gemini - Gemini’s are adaptable, versatile and spontaneous. Never a dull moment.
''Ethnicity:'' Armenian/Polish
''Favorite Movie:'' Pulp Fiction
''Favorite position:'' Doggie
''Favorite place to be touched:'' Neck and back
''Best Feature:'' The dimples in my smile. And, my ass seems to be quite popular as well.
''Advice to people:'' Patience - Many people give up their goals before they see results. As with anything in life, results take time.
''Occupation:'' Student and adviser
''Do I have any fetishes:'' Oil and heat. A warm room with oiled down bodies. Touching can be fun and slippery.
''Worst pick up line:'' Is your name Amanda? A Man Da hug and kiss.
''Why do they call me Bambi:'' Short for bambini,which means baby or child. Many of my family friends are Italian. They say that I have a youthful spirit so they have called me that ever since I could remember.
''What traits do you like in a man:'' Goal oriented, execution/action, drive, determination, fit physically and sexually, nice teeth and stability in decision making
''What do you dislike in a man:'' Playerism and games. Life is too short for drama.
''Website:'' http://www.bambi4u.com/
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!Banana Licker
Cloe Love shows how she likes to suck on a banana. She didn't do a lot of licking.
By the way, part 1 wasn't worth posting.
<html><div><object width="425" height="335"><param name="movie" value="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/7FMy74zM4N4z05To3"></param><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/7FMy74zM4N4z05To3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="334" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object><br /><b><a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xu3rb_dodge-banned-commercial">DODGE Banned Commercial</a></b><br /><i>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/DrEuthanasia">DrEuthanasia</a></i></div></html>

Why the hell is this banned? At least show it on late night TV.
Try to stay in the middle of the air. 
Do not go near the edges of it. 
The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. 
It is much more difficult to fly there.
When flying in trees wear jeans.
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!Bathing Beauties Surprise
I am sure they will really enjoy looking through the photos of this vacation. So many fond memories of that "Where's the beef?" commercial. 
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!Who will win?
Animated album covers fight to the death.

Created by [[Ugly Pictures|http://www.uglypictures.us]]
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!Beaver Cam 
What if Mr. Beaver from Narnia had a kids' show that went horribly wrong? This is a parody for Epic Movie. Mr. Beaver walks around Hollywood and sees not so kid-friendly stuff. Something tells me this incident  might have lost Mr. Beaver his chance of getting a show... unless he goes to cable. 
Tune in next week when we show you a hot, wet beaver when Mr. Beaver goes to the nude beach.
! Becca's Bitchin' Box [>img[http://farm1.static.flickr.com/166/351311624_9589415583_m.jpg][http://beccaberry.blogspot.com/]]
The line that sold me on this site:
>I've always relished giving head.
>To distraction.
>I can think of very few things that turn me on faster than licking and sucking my way to the height of excitement.
>It's an art.
>To put it more poetically...
>The cock is my canvas, and I fancy myself Picasso.
All I ask is ''Can I be painted?''

3) Minutes after you are seated a pretty thing walks up to you and ask to serve you.
2) When you tell her to get you a beer she smiles and rushes off to get it for you.
1) The women love it so much.
Says the Bible is the best selling book for last 3 years, then says that we are living in a world that doesn't read the bible. 
All this while putting down the De Vinci Code. 
A little old lady went into the Bank of Alabama one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because,  "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the President's office (the customer is always right!).

The bank President then asked her how much she would like to deposit.  She replied, "$165,000!", and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The President was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"  

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The President then asked, "Bets?  What kind of bets?" 

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the President, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the President, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square."

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident President. 

That night the President got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning them from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the President's office.   She introduced the lawyer to the President and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says The President's balls are square!"  The President agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.

The President complied.  The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the President, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing.  Except that I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I'd have The Bank of Alabama's President's balls in my hand."
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look or him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the R, we missed the R".

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "After all these years..... the word was Celebrate ............"
She said... she wants ta sleep with girls
I thought... that would brighten my world
But what’s... a man ta do
When his girl... wants ta screw
His sister?

Lately... when she wants ta fuck 
I'm the one... out of luck
Given... my hand a soakin'
It's blistered.. from chicken chokin'.

I keep hearing Vanilla Ice doing this in that 'Vanilla Ice' style.
Bisexuality is the sexual orientation which refers to the aesthetic, romantic, or sexual desire for individuals of either gender or of either sex.
!Some Famous ~Bi-Sexuals
Josephine Baker, k.d. lang, Janis Joplin, David Bowie, Claudia Christian, Lou Reed, Ani ~DiFranco, Brett Anderson, Dave Navarro, Marlene Dietrich, Greta Garbo, James Dean, Eleanor Roosevelt, Lawrence Olivier, Errol Flynn, Cary Grant, Mick Jagger, Madonna, Michael Stipe, Kurt Cobain, Anne Heche, Saint Augustine, Joan Baez, Tallulah Bankhead, Leonard Berstein, Margaret Mead, James I, Shakespeare, Marie Antoinette, Sandra Bernhard, Oscar Wilde, Marlon Brando, Laurence Olivier, Kate Millett, Francis Bacon, Edward II, Henry III, Dorothy Thompson, Janis Ian, Gore Vidal, Elton John, Virginia Woolf, Drew Barrymore, Angelina Jolie, Bif Naked, Christinia Agularia, Joan Jett.

For a much langer list go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_bisexual_people
Some of you are going to say that some of these folks are homosexuals not bisexuals. A typical one would be Elton John. He has been married to a woman, multiple women happily report that he has had sex with them, some of them telling that he spent time with two or of them at the same time. I think that kind of shows he is into women as well as men.
!Big All Around
OK guys, I need some help here. We've chatted online. She sent me the pic and said she'd like to meet for dinner...and I might be desert.
She admited she'd touched up the picture. My question is how much is touched up? WHat is real, what is fake?
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Another [[turn about is fair play|Turn about is fair play]] idea.
Play black jack and then pay to see the girl take off clothes. Kind of like being at a strip joint, but with cards and pictures. Worth every penny you paid for it.

[[Click here to launch BlackJack-Off|http://almostporn.net/games/blackjack.swf]]
Sites we like to read or podcast we listen to.
Setup your blog!
| URL: | http:// <<option txtBlogID>>/blog/wordpress/|
| Username: | <<option txtBlogUserName>> |

| Password: | <<option pasBlogPassWord>> |
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This is the answer to [[Dick in a Box]]
Mid-40ish St. Louis born-and-bred working class intellectual, currently retired. Hellenic Reconstructionist Pagan, follower of Dionysus. 6'0" 290 pounds, bald with a graying red goatee; the horns only show occasionally. Polyamorous, leather-friendly, currently single. Long-time science fiction fan (and faan) and Pagan activist. On and off again local Democratic Party volunteer. Class of 1978, Faith Christian Academy. BA in Math/CS, Taylor University, 1982. Former electrician, former PICK minicomputer programmer, former PC specialist, former Macintosh specialist, former LAN/WAN engineer, former computer instructor, former editor of the Low BS Guide to St. Louis, former traveling retail business owner, former strip club doorman, former Pinkerton, former telecom fraud analyst. Diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, severe recurring depression, and an anxiety disorder. Infernal-American and proud of it. 

I can also say that he throws some great parties.

Many of us, I am sure, have heard about Brazilian wax and have a vague idea of what it is. Some may have even tried it, while some are just thinking about it but are just feeling a little icky about it. Well, whatever you think or feel about Brazilian wax, here is the lowdown about it.

The Brazilian bikini wax has been a raging fad since the 1990s. It allows women to wear those skimpy bikinis that are barely there without fear of having a strand of those curls down there showing.
Why is this so? The Brazilian wax, unlike your regular bikini wax, leaves almost nothing behind. The hair in the pubic area is completely stripped off, except for what is known as a landing strip or a broader vertical strip.

The idea of having a Brazilian wax may titillate some, but for others, it is quite practical. After all, we do get rid of the hair down there once in a while, so we might as well get rid of it completely.
Brazilian waxings are done in a beauty salon or a spa. Of course, to have it done, one must remove the lower garments and lie on a table. There is nothing to worry about, though. Complete privacy is almost always guaranteed – there will be only you and your waxer in the room.

The first thing that your waxer will do is spread baby powder, talcum powder, or oil over the area to be waxed. This prevents the hot wax from sticking to the skin.
Then they will trim your hair down. The hair should be around a quarter of an inch in length for the wax to get a hold on. Afterwards, the waxer will spread the hot wax on the area to be treated with the use of a waxing stick. She will then put a strip of cloth over the wax so the wax will totally stick to the hair.

Once the wax is cool, the waxer will then pull the cloth strips off you in the direction opposite the way your hair grows. Getting it all pulled off can cause great discomfort, even pain, but if your waxer is good, her hands will move quickly so as to minimize the pain of the procedure for you. The procedure usually takes only thirty minutes.

To get the job completely done, the waxer may pull out the remaining hair with a pair of tweezers. Afterwards, she will apply a lotion to soothe the treated area and prevent any swelling from happening.

Speaking of swelling, if ever you go for a Brazilian wax, do not be afraid to ask your waxer what to do if you experience swelling or red bumps, or maybe even in-grown hair. These are the possible side effects of getting a Brazilian wax, and you ought to know what to do if you get them so as to avoid your skin from getting irritated or infected.

Getting a Brazilian wax can get pretty painful, not to mention embarrassing, since you have to strip in front of a complete stranger, but getting it frequently done eventually numbs you to the pain and discomfort. Think of it as just visiting your gynecologist for your regular checkup. 
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. 

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied. 

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." 

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came." 
!Britney & Christina Nude
Yes, it is fake. But you know you wish it wasn't.
These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in and they "discuss" her "rating".

Joe says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty." Bob agrees, and so does Wayne. The bartender, while bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young lady. He checks her out himself and says, "Nah, I'd only give her a 3."

"A 3? How can you give her a 3?" says Wayne. "She's a real pretty girl." The bartender, walking away, says, "Well, I use the Budweiser method for rating women."

The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9.

However, the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and tells the fellows that he'd only give her a 5. "A 5? How can you give her just a 5? She's absolutely gorgeous!"

The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method for rating women. "The Budweiser method?" they puzzle, as the bartender returns to his post behind the bar. They are quite confused.

Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blond, 5'11" goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape. Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the three "judges" at the table determine that this young vixen is, without any doubt, a 10.

However, carrying a case of beer pass them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he could give her, would be a 7.

"A 7? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7? She's gorgeous!" "Well," says the bartender again, "I use the Budweiser method for rating women."

"Budweiser!" says one of the guys, exasperated. "What is this 'Budweiser method' for rating women?"

"Well," says the bartender, "the Budweiser method for rating women is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her."
!Bukkake Sake 
*1 part sake(rice wine) 
*1 part whipped
Now mix and enjoy!

OK, maybe enjoy is the wrong term.
George W. Bush was being briefed on current events while eating breakfast. All was going OK until they got to the update on Iraq.

The man reading the report said, "Sir, last night there was a large terrorist bombing in the green zone. 287 Iraqi civilians are wounded, and 31 confirmed dead."

Bush calmly replied, "They died as heroes for their country."

The man said, "18 US soldiers were wounded, and 3 others killed."

Bush replied, "They knew it was a dangerous job when they signed up. And I am sure that God is honoring them right now."

The man flipped over the page, "We also lost three Brazilians." 

Bush was suddenly overcome with emotion, tears streaming down his face, burying his face in his hands. Everyone sat there, quietly shocked at this outpourring of grief.

After several minute Bush seemed to pull himself together. Looking up from his hands he quietly asked "Just how much is a Brazilian?" 
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!Bush screws the country
Sexy Roleplay was never meant to be like this.
!Busty Clown
I am not sure that she is a clown, but she is busty and that is what they called the picture. If you have any complaints about the name please take them to: http://boobieblog.com
And I have to admit that it is a great body paint job. I wonder if a woman could make a living off doing something like that? Painting clothes on people I mean. I know you can make money for wearing clothes like this. And it would sure save on buying new clothes, as you could always be in the latest style and colors, not to mention they would always fit. 
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!C.I.L.F. (Cartoons I'd Like to Fuck)
Admit it, you have thought about banging some sweet little pixilated putang at some time or another. Don't be ashamed, we all have. It comes in from being babysat by the TV. The only time you should feel ashamed about it is if you bought your cartoon honey a present, or even tried to engage in sex with her.
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!Cameron Diaz And Christina Applegate - Lesbian scene
To ease their roommate (Selma Blair) through a relationship-induced depression, Cameron Diaz and Christina
Applegate take her out on the town. During their attempts to find her "Mr. Right Now", Diaz meets Peter Donahue, played aptly by Thomas Jane. Missing her opportunity with him that night, Cameron Diaz is talked into pursuing him to his brother's wedding. The ensuing road trip packs even more slapstick and locker room humor into an "already-bursting" movie.
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  <br />
  <font><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/440327/cameron_dancing/">Cameron Dancing</a></font>
!Cameron dancing her ass off
Sexy little video of Cameron shaking her ass to the music.

!Can't keep my hands off her
OK, you caught me red handed, but I was only trying to give her a little support, and show her that this is where her bra should hold them up to.
For more like this go to: http://www.boobieblog.com
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!Candi's Sexy Dance
Candi is 22 years old. She likes hot guys and sexy bi girls. She will do anything for a ride in a Mustang or a passing grade. She is studying to be a nurse. Someday she hopes to find the cure for cancer, or at least her favorite pair of underwear, which were last seen at the Alpha Kappa Psi party. 
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!Carmen Returns 2
Now in the shower...Enjoy!
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!Carmen is all wet
Just the way you like 'em. Sexy and wet.
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This has to be the most imaginative way to avoid getting caught I have ever seen.
I'd still dump her for lying to me (A relationship is built on trust), but he at least shows a cool head under pressure.
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!Chris Rock Opens SNL with some election talk
Chris Rock ask 'Is America ready for a black President?'. My question is, why the hell is someone's race, religion or sexual orientation even a factor? The only real question is are they the best person to do the job. Nothing else matters. 
!Gadfly's Online Christian Bondage and Domination Store

In support of the recent Southern Baptist edict that women should ''"submit to their husbands"'', we have acquired an inventory of beginning B&D supplies for the Baptist couple eager to explore the righteous ways of wife domination:
# ''Starter kit:'' leather masks with zippers and cat 'o nine tails. The masks are clearly emblazoned with Christian Fish symbols on the forehead area.
# ''Nipple Clamps of the Holy Trinity:'' Three brass nipple clamps held together with golden chains of appropriate length, allowing the masterful husband many options in attaching the third "Holy Spirit" clamp.
# ''Mary Magdalene's Leather Pants:'' This "cheekless" design allows full access to spanking surfaces when the wife is in her proper penitent, kneeling position.
# ''Wrath of God:'' a 12-foot bullwhip of black cowhide on a Communion chalice handle for putting the fear of God into wives who have strayed (e.g. thinking for themselves or having an opinion with no regard for the damage this causes the family).
# ''The Rack of St. Stephen:'' Sturdy construction with heavy, fur-lined wrist and ankle restraints. Can be spun upside down for the St. Paul variant.
# ''The Archangel:'' Large punishment phallus of sufficient diameter and length to make any wayward wife admit her heretical ways and beg forgiveness.
# ''The Judas Wand:'' A handsome vibrator that works well for five minutes then shuts down automatically, leaving the wife more dependent than ever on her Master.
# ''Riding Crop of the Pharacies:'' Teach your wife the ways of the Lord with this sturdy handcrafted riding crop.
# ''Anointment:'' a thick, non-toxic balm scented with myrrh and frankincense. Perfect for easing the pain of heavily welted skin or allowing the Master easier penetration when teaching a lesson regarding the ways of Sodom.
Borrowed from: [[KagedKitten|http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-HMFesyQ6eqGFB6OnNwHWP9NigO0-?cq=1]]
Get one for your car....Or maybe you wish to share the love of Christ. 
Imagine the next time that car with the [[Fish Symbol|Fish Symbol on Cars Explained]] parks to close to you at the store (I love climbing in through the passanger door don't you?) you can help share the love by placing one of these on the back of their car. Ya know everyone will smile when they see it.

[img[Homo for Christ|http://almostporn.net/HomoForChrist.jpg]]
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[[Christian vs. Christ-follower pt2]] :: [[Christian vs. Christ-follower pt3]] :: [[Christian vs. Christ-follower pt4]]
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[[Christian vs. Christ-follower pt1]] :: [[Christian vs. Christ-follower pt3]] :: [[Christian vs. Christ-follower pt4]]
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[[Christian vs. Christ-follower pt1]] :: [[Christian vs. Christ-follower pt2]] :: [[Christian vs. Christ-follower pt4]]
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[[Christian vs. Christ-follower pt1]] :: [[Christian vs. Christ-follower pt2]] :: [[Christian vs. Christ-follower pt3]]
Original at: http://www.signsforfaith.com/value.asp

!!!When looking for a new church sign, many churches have the same questions:
"Should we spend the money on a new church sign?"
"Isn't our sign good enough the way it is?"
"Nobody really pays attention to a sign anyway, right?" 
Many churches understand the intrinsic need for a new church sign, but don't realize the true value it provides them.

''A church sign is an investment'' in the future growth of the church. A church sign does not merely sit out front of a church to look pretty... it has the all important job of greeting new visitors... inspiring the passing public... and creating a great first impression of the church to all who go by. 

!A Signs for Faith sign has an amazing return on investment... 
A truly effective sign brings in new members who then contribute to the growth and financial well-being of the church through regular monetary contributions. In a recent study done by the Barna Research Group the average per capita amount given to churches in 2001 was $769. If your [[Signs for Faith|http://www.signsforfaith.com/value.asp]] church sign only brings in one family per month, here is the potential return on your investment from the new sign. 
[img[Contrabutions from One New Family per Month|http://www.signsforfaith.com/images/value-graph1.gif]]

Assuming the sign brings in only one family a month and each family contributes $15.38 per week, the total amount the church receives by the end of the year is $5168.

After 10 years of service, the sign will bring in 120 new families and over $466,000 in contributions to the church.

So get a church sign and ring in the cash... seems that is all that you are to the church.  [Pan_theFrog]
!Most common thing looked for on Google
What did you think it was going to be Rocky the Squirrel?
Two lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the man goes out to chop some wood.

When he gets back in, he says, "Wow, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he heads back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Dang! My hands are really cold!"

She says again, "Slide them between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he wanders out to chop more wood for the night. When he returns, he says, "Honey, my hands are like ice!"

She looks at him and says, "Don't your ears ever get cold?"
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http://conflation.org     Feb 15-17, 2008
<<reminder month:2 date:15 year:2008 title:"Conflation starts">>
This years special guest is Sarah and Matthew  Atherton (Feedback from ''Who wants to be a Super Hero'')
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These men work hard, play hard, and go the distance! Too Hot for TV.

This guy is annoyed at how Mormons bother people at their homes by trying to convert them, so he decides it's time for a little payback.

If the video dosent show at first, click on the refresh button (up there ^ ^ ^).
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We could use more people like this in the world.
And the police need to have a word with the old man with the rake.
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!Crazy Tattoo
Maybe getting a tat on your back is not the best idea. Or at least bring a friend who will watch your back... pun intended. 
[>img[images/members/Minx-sm.jpg]] Cunning Minx is all that and then some. She intelligent, sexy and witty. She is also a bit of an exhibitionist. 

She first came to our attention from her [[Polyamory Weekly]] podcast, and then we got to meet her at [[Conflation]]. 
Let's just say a good time was had by all. 

Read a little about her here: http://cunningminx.livejournal.com

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!Curse Of The Large Breasted Woman
She has something she wants to get off her chest...and we have something we want to put on her breast; Us.
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So much for thinking that the DMV is interested in making sure the person on the license is right.
<html><table cellpadding="3"> <tbody><tr><td colspan="2"> <font size="+2">My Dating Status Button says:</font> <br>
<img src="button-psia.jpg"><br />

<font size="+2">Polyamorous, Straight, Involved/Available</font> </td></tr> <tr><td bgcolor="cyan"><font color="black"> <strong>Polyamorous </strong></font></td><td bgcolor="cyan"><font color="black"> Interested in multiple serious relationships. </font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="blue"><font color="white"> <strong>Straight </strong></font></td><td bgcolor="blue"><font color="white"> Interested only in the opposite gender. </font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="grey"><font color="white"> <strong>Involved/Available </strong></font></td><td bgcolor="grey"><font color="white"> Currently in a relationship, and potentially interested in more. </font></td></tr></tbody></table> <a href="http://www.phoenixgamestore.com/statusbuttons.htm">Click here to find your own dating status button</a>  <br></html>
This place actually sells these buttons as well. $2 each plus $1.50 flat shipping fee. Save on the shipping cost and order more then one button. After all, ya got friends, right?

To find out a little more about my dating status [[click here|Polyamory]]
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!David Copperfield - Voyeur
From ''Tornado of Fire!''. The song is ''Sailin `on'' by Moby
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Rodney Carrington's tribute to his penis
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!Destination Unknown - Alex Gaudino (Feat. Crystal Waters)
The kid is in marching band at school, and all I can say is that they do not wear these short little skirts. That is a good thing as it is a high school. Now once he hits collage...I am going to push for the short skirts.
Semi-autobiographical comic about Jennie Breeden's life.
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!Dick in a Box
And here I spent all that time and money, when all she really wanted was the box...
Wait isn't this a fast food joint? 

Also see [[Box in a Box]]
[<img[http://almostporn.net/images/silly/Dickey-Doo.jpg]]Do you find yourself embarrassed by an enlarged, swollen penis? Do you suffer sudden discomfort from your penis as it swells, straining to burst free of your pants? What you need is Dickey-Doo! Dickey-Doo is a lotion you rub over the swollen area until you gain relief. Dickey-Doo has no harmful side effects, and has been shown to lower the chances of getting prostate cancer. 

Dickey-Doo has also been credited with helping users love life, as the user is less driven by the need of quick relief, spends more time engaged in foreplay, and in the act of intercourse. This often results in partners who are happier, and more eager to engage in long and passionate sessions.

Long term use of Dickey-Doo has even been shown to decrease incidents of premature ejaculation in users who suffer from premature ejaculation.

Dickey-Doo is available over the counter, but first ask your doctor if Dickey-Doo is right for you.

Also try our other fine [[AlmostPorn products|Products]].
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Actually this service would do me a lot of good...on both sides of it.
But damn, what if there is someone with my name that is a total jackass?
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!Dildo Song
It is the dildo version of the slinky song!
This classic video is one of the first viral videos ever to hit the net. Sit back and enjoy.
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!Diner gets too sexy for old ladies
Personally I think I spend a lot of time at a place that hired these ladies to clean the windows.
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!Dinosaur Threesome
Check out all the hot girl on girl on dinosaur action... Wait, did I just say dinosaur?
In a recent survey 10% of American males dislike Bush so much they will not even have sex with a woman.
Another 75% would like to watch Hillary Clinton eat Bush.
The remaining 15% think Saddam Hussein was behind 9/11.

And this is Jenna Bush
!How dig is average?
Different surveys conclude that different sizes are normal. Why? Because they're surveys. No group has the time or the money to measure every erect penis on Earth (but I do know some women who are trying). Recent Lifestyles Condom Company conducted a survey in 2001, which measured the erect length and girth of 300 college age men in Cancun, Mexico amid Spring Break.

!!!Here's what they concluded:
*The average length of an erect penis is about 5.9 inches.
*The average girth of an erect penis is about 5 inches.

Alfred Kinsey, of the famed Kinsey Institute, conducted the first report on average penis size in the 1940s, which claimed that the average erect penis was 6.2 to 6.4 inches in length. The flaw with this survey was that the study focused only on Caucasian men and let the men measure themselves (and my guess is that some were super-sizing ). And although the difference is only about a mere half an inch in difference, it means a whole lot to many men out there. 
[img[http://almostporn.net/images/DragonCon06/thumbnails/DragonCon06%20(43).jpg][http://almostporn.net/images/DragonCon06/]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/DragonCon06/thumbnails/DragonCon06%20(26).jpg][http://almostporn.net/images/DragonCon06/]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/DragonCon06/thumbnails/DragonCon06%20(74).jpg][http://almostporn.net/images/DragonCon06/]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/DragonCon06/thumbnails/DragonCon06%20(2).jpg][http://almostporn.net/images/DragonCon06/]]
Just a collection of pictures I took at ~DragonCon 2006.
Mostly of sexy girls in nice outfits.
If you have never attended I recommend it.
The eye candy is great, even if they had to pass a rule that the naughty bits needed to be covered.
Oh, well. I've always preferred that there be something left for me to imagine.
Besides, electrical tape makes a great clothing accessory.
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Football (That's 'soccer' to you Americans that can't figure it out) players exchange shirts at the end of a match, so why not tennis players. I think we should encourage this idea of comradeship & good sportsmanship to be applied to all sports. The crowd loves it, and so do I. 
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So why don't they show this ad here in the US?
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!Embarrassing Sunburn
Try not to let this happen to you.
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!EnterCourse.TV: Sex Tips Episode 002 "Better Blowjobs"
All girls can go dowtown, but the ones who do it right will own the place. Hey this is Justine with another sex tip. This time its all about going downtown on your man. Guys, don't worry, I haven't forgot about you ,but its only fair to give the ladies some advice too. Now, there's a lot that can be said about oral sex. But I'm going to try to give you some quick tips that will have him cumming in no time.

I know all girls have their own opinions about going down on their man. I know some of you would rather sit through a root canal than give a blowjob. However, I'm here to tell you that if done right, it can be just as enjoyable for both of you.

The first step, as always, is to talk to him. Just because all guys seem the same, doesn't mean they all like the same kind of blowjob. Start out by asking what he likes to do to himself when he's "by himself." Ask him what exactly he likes about oral sex in the first place. He just might surprise you. As a general rule of thumb, most guys are very visually oriented. Its all about how you look while you're doing it. I know a ton of girls that don't enjoy giving head because they are embarrassed and think they look stupid or ugly when doing it. This couldn't be more wrong, guys LOVE seeing you in every detail. Don't hide behind your hair or be afraid to look at him. Shoe him at every turn that giving him pleasure is giving you pleasure.

Now, some guys can take a LONG time to cum from oral sex. If you've tried to give your guy a blowjob in the past and your jaw is still recovering a week later, here are two very helpful techniques: 1.) Don't expect to take him all the way with your mouth, switch off with your hands, or slip him inside and ride him for several strokes before jumping back off and taking him in your mouth again. I guarantee the thought of you tasting yourself on his favorite tool will ad to his excitement. And 2.) Get him half way there before you start. Don't expect yourself to take him all the way from 0 to 60 with your mouth alone. If your guy is a challenge to get to the finish line make sure he's good and turned on before you start.

So I'll leave you with a few of my own secret weapons: First, noise. I like to moan as if he were inside me the entire time so he knows what I'm thinking about. Also, try this line "You can do ANYTHING you want with me." That always gets them going. And lastly, ladies, don't be a prude, if your man wants to cum on your face, let him. He'll love you for it.

Ok so that does it for today, I'm Justine Sane, check back next time when its the guy's turn to go downtown.
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!EnterCourse.TV: Sex Tips Episode 006 "Homemade Sex Toys"
Okay for this episode we decided to do something a little different. We're moving it out of the bedroom this week and into the kitchen. This week is all about sex toys you can make at home. We know a lot of our viewers either are too young to purchase sex toys themselves, or are too embarrassed to do so regardless of their age. For that reason, we thought it'd be a good idea to cover some things you can do at home, that will serve the same purpose ;)

!Toy #1: "The Sponge Off"
* 1 Cup 
* 2 (Large) Sponges 
* 1 Bottle Of Lube 
* Some Hot Water

Simply take the two sponges, run them under some hot (not too hot!) water and ring them out thoroughly. Then place them in the cup so they cover both sides of the inside of the cup. Fill the cup up with some lube and go to town.

!Toy #2: "Couch Lovin"
* 1 Couch 
* 1 Plastic Bag (Zip Lock) 
* 1 Bottle Of Lube 
* A Good Imagination

Use scissors and cut the zip lock part of the bag off, then fill it up with some lube. Make sure to squish the bag around in your hands so the entire inside is covered in lube. Then, head over to the couch. Lift up a cushion and place the bag under it. Insert, and enjoy.

!Toy #3: "Popcorn Surprise"
* 1 Bucket Of Popcorn (Empty) 
* 1 Inside Of A Toilet Paper Roll (Or Paper Towel Roll) 
* 1 Latex Glove 
* 1 Bottle Of Lube 
* 1 Pair Of Scissors 
* 1 Good Roll Of Tape 
* 1 Sharpie

Find a place on the bucket that you want to "insert" into. Place the toilet paper roll on the bucket and trace it with the sharpie. Divide that circle into a pie like shape and cut along the lines you just drew. This will create small triangles. Push the roll inside the bucket and tape around the triangles for a good grip. Then place the latex glove inside this cylinder and tape the outside down to secure it. Put some lube inside and you're almost ready to go. For added sensation, fill the bucket with fresh popcorn.

That's it for this episode, as always send all questions to <<email justine at entercourse.tv>> and it just might get answered on the show!
Hell yeah they can. I use mine to do it all the time. Ask [[Cunning Minx]]. She knows all about being a boobie-sexual.
Ok, there is a bit of a lie in this. You can't make a straight girl into a lesbian with just your boobs. The best you can hope for is to make her a bisexual.  Not that there is anything wrong with that.
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Anyone who says going to a aerobics class is a bad thing is a moron.
<html><span><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embed/9FA70678CADB4E38A6ED81660054F9FB" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="405" wmode="transparent"></embed><br/><a href="http://www.livevideo.com/video/embedLink/9FA70678CADB4E38A6ED81660054F9FB/24567/erika-shows-off-her-new-thong-on-webcam.aspx">Erika Shows off her new thong on Webcam</a></span></html>
!Erika's new thong
Erica has a brand new thong. She paid a lot for it, but didn't get a lot for her money.
Stuff that might count as erotic
<<showReminders leadtime:366>>
Recently, a lady asked me if it was true that men think about sex every six seconds. I explained that the statement is "every six seconds on average". I often go far longer then six seconds without thinking about sex, but that on average six seconds seemed right for me. I cannot speak for other men, as I am not them.

I don't think that most of it can truly be called thinking though. It is more like ducking out of the way of something you glimpse coming at your head.

I had to try and explain that I am wired so that if there is a woman walking in front of me my eyes go to her ass, even if she is not anything I am interested in. I can be talking to a woman, blissfully unaware that she is a woman, but then she will move or stretch and suddenly my eyes are drawn to her breast. As I am walking down a hall, glancing down a connecting hall way and seeing a woman bending over has the same effect as on my eyes as a magnet has on steel, I just have to stare. Maybe she will rub her finger over her lips, and suddenly all I can think of is what it would feel like. If a woman bends forward I find myself trying to glace down her shirt. The same if a woman in a skirt crosses her legs.

I cannot stop it, nor is it something that last for more then a second, but for that brief moment in time, it is all that I can think about..

But I have to ask, do women find themselves doing the same?
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!Everything You Never Cared To Know About Porn
*12% of all websites are pornographic.
*25% of all search engines are for porn.
*35% of all downloads are pornographic.
*28,258 people are viewing porn every second.
*$89.00 is spent on internet porn every second.
*266 new porn site are created everyday.
*The US spent $2.84 billion on internet porn in 2006.
*89% of all internet porn is produced in the US.
So can the US finally admit that it's people watch porn?
So can we 
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6 minutes of classic modern dance. How many of these you have done?
Judson Laipply is the dancer. See http://www.evolutionofdance.com for more info including song list.
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man."Who talkin' abouta sex? I 'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."
At one point in my life I spent quite a bit of time in erotic dance clubs. The girl I was dating at the time was trying to decide if she liked women or not, and having them shake it in her face or grind it against her leg seemed like a good way to find out.

After a very nice lap dance in which both ladies seemed to forget that they were in a crowded place, and left one of them shuddering and multiply calling out the name of a deity she claimed to not believe in, my lady asked the dancer what the perfume was that she wore as we had both described it as smelling so good that we just wanted to eat her up. Thinking she was going to name something expensive, we were a little shocked to find out that she made it herself. It seems that a lot of the dancers use vanilla or almond extract mixed with baby oil or 'skin so soft'. It is cheap (Important when a girl might take 5 showers a night), makes their skin soft, last a long time, and hits places in the back of your mind. 
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/216685/fifa_soccer.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/216685/fifa_soccer/">Fifa Soccer</a></font></html>
!FIFA Naked Soccer
Fan girls at the FIFA  World Cup didn't have quite enough uniforms. Likely, the weather was good and they came up with the idea of just painting them onto their bare skin. The painted on shin guards didn't work well, but the rest of the outfit was a big hit with the girls and the rest of the fans.
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!Facebook Stalker
Penn Masala presents The Facebook Skit, a parody of Enrique Iglesias' song Hero. 

Penn Masala is the world's first and premier Hindi a cappella group formed in 1996 at the University of Pennsylvania. Visit their website (http://www.pennmasala.com) for more information.
Faith came to the beach to play a little volleyball. Then someone one said her tits were as big as the volley ball.
As you can see they are not quite as big as a volleyball. Close, though.
Afterwards she showered off.
Go to http://www.bigboobsalert.com/faith-big-naturals.php to see more shots that are not AlmostPorn.


Hundreds and hundreds of times and she never got pregnant. 
Shes on her knees
while I beg please
increasing ratio
smile on her face
she loves the taste
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/551502/female_beauty.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/551502/female_beauty/">FEMALE BEAUTY</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>The most amazing bloopers are here</a></font></html>
!Female Beauty Slideshow
Nice collection of pictures.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/497634/female_g_spot.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/497634/female_g_spot/">Female G-Spot</a></font></html>
!How to Find the Female ~G-Spot
Young hot sexy woman describes the ~G-Spot and how to stimulate it.
Your mission is to find and stimulate it. Now get to work.
Four lawyers in a law firm lived for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city.

It wasn't quite the same without him. Then, a new lawyer joined their law firm. A woman.

One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say “Yes,” but she had them on the spot. Finally, one of them said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early, at 6:30 am.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said this would be okay.

She smiled, and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up at 6:30 on the dot and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse, they congratulated her and happily invited her to play again the following week.

She smiled, and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." The next week, she showed up at 6:30, but she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left- handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week, they all had their game faces on -- but she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up. This week, she played right-handed and narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to hold a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse, she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers at the 19th hole, which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could contain his curiosity any longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then, when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his thingie was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical." Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late.
The following chart is based upon the average data for females found in "[[Are you average?]]"
<html><table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
    <td class="xl27" width="49">&nbsp; </td>
    <td colspan="9" class="xl26" width="351"><div align="center">Females Compared</div></td>
    <td class="xl28">Height</td>
    <td class="xl26">58 </td>
    <td class="xl26">60 </td>
    <td class="xl26">62 </td>
    <td class="xl29">64.25 </td>
    <td class="xl26">66 </td>
    <td class="xl26">68 </td>
    <td class="xl26">70 </td>
    <td class="xl26">72 </td>
    <td class="xl26">74 </td>
    <td class="xl26">Bust </td>
    <td class="xl25">31.73 </td>
    <td class="xl25">32.82 </td>
    <td class="xl25">33.92 </td>
    <td class="xl25">35.15 </td>
    <td class="xl25">36.11 </td>
    <td class="xl25">37.20 </td>
    <td class="xl25">38.30 </td>
    <td class="xl25">39.39 </td>
    <td class="xl25">40.48 </td>
    <td class="xl26">Waist </td>
    <td class="xl25">25.41 </td>
    <td class="xl25">26.29 </td>
    <td class="xl25">27.16 </td>
    <td class="xl25">28.15 </td>
    <td class="xl25">28.92 </td>
    <td class="xl25">29.79 </td>
    <td class="xl25">30.67 </td>
    <td class="xl25">31.55 </td>
    <td class="xl25">32.42 </td>
    <td class="xl26">Hips </td>
    <td class="xl25">34.08 </td>
    <td class="xl25">35.25 </td>
    <td class="xl25">36.43 </td>
    <td class="xl25">37.75 </td>
    <td class="xl25">38.78 </td>
    <td class="xl25">39.95 </td>
    <td class="xl25">41.13 </td>
    <td class="xl25">42.30 </td>
    <td class="xl25">43.48 </td>
    <td class="xl26">Inseam </td>
    <td class="xl25">28.89 </td>
    <td class="xl25">29.88 </td>
    <td class="xl25">30.88 </td>
    <td class="xl24">32.00 </td>
    <td class="xl25">32.87 </td>
    <td class="xl25">33.87 </td>
    <td class="xl25">34.86 </td>
    <td class="xl25">35.86 </td>
    <td class="xl25">36.86 </td>
What this is showing is the measurements of the average American woman (Height 64.25, Bust 35.15 Waist 28.15, Hips 37.75), and what her size would be like at different heights. So find your height and see how you stack up.

!How you rack up
The average natural breast size in America breaks down as follows:
* AA cup: 2%
* A cup: 15%
* B cup: 44%
* C cup: 28%
* D cup: 10%
* DD cup: 1% 
[>img[http://almostporn.net/images/DragonCon06/thumbnails/DragonCon06%20(5).jpg][http://almostporn.net/images/DragonCon06/images/DragonCon06%20(5).jpg]]<<imagebox>>Funny thing is that most of the women I have dated have been C or larger. One wore a 40J (36 band, 50 over her tits). Her biggest wish was to get a reduction, and I fully understood. To give you an idea of what that looks like, [[Leslie Culton|http://almostporn.net/images/DragonCon06/pages/DragonCon06%20(5).html]] is 38DD-26-36 (Click on picture to see a larger version). Guys, let me tell you, if a girl is that big and natural, they do not stand up all perky like. When she laid on her back they normally go to each side. If they are still pointing at the ceiling, they are fake.

Wander over here for a [[bra size calculator|http://bra.and.bras.googlepages.com/bra_size_calculator.html]] 
And no, I still don't understand how they come up with these numbers.
But then, I also don't understand why womens underwear sizes are totally different then their pants size. I mean do you know how confusing it is to order size 18 panties, and then when you get them they look like the pair used in Shallow Hal? I was sitting there going "But I know what size she wears, and this is not it".
[img[Shallow Hal|images/shallow_hal_150.jpg][http://www.moviehabit.com/reviews/sha_kh01.shtml]]
One night, in a sleepy one-horse town, a huge chemical plant suddenly exploded into flames. The alarm went off and departments from miles around raced to the scene. After the fire had been fought for over an hour without managing to gain any ground, the chemical company president told the fire chief: "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I personally will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

At that, the firemen attacked with a renewed gusto ... but two hours later they could not gain any ground. The company president doubled his reward, to $100,000, but it seemed that the fire was just too entrenched and too stubborn and too dangerous.

In the distance, the wail of yet another siren was heard: and soon another fire truck came into sight. The fire chief shook his head, aware it was the little local rinky-dink volunteer fire company, composed entirely of men over 65 years of age. Yet much to his amazement, the newly-arrived fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove right into the heart of the inferno. He watched in terror and disbelief as the old timers quickly hopped off their rig, fighting the fire with an effort that he had never before witnessed.

Less than an hour later, the fire was out and the secret formulas had been saved by this group of volunteers. The chemical company president was so ecstatic he doubled the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers again and again, the chemical company president couldn't help but ask what they planned to do with the reward money.

The driver of the fire engine looked him tight in the eye: "First thing we will do is fix the brakes on this truck."
<html><object width="464" height="392"><param name="movie" value="http://embed.break.com/MzE1NjY4"></param><embed src="http://embed.break.com/MzE1NjY4" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="464" height="392"></embed></object><br><font size=1><a href="http://www.break.com/index/first-date-honest-answers.html">First Date Honest Answers</a> - Watch more <a href="http://www.break.com/">free videos</a></font></html>
!First date with honest answers
At last a video that explains what people mean when out on a first date. 
I mean..what other people mean, not me. Really honey, I meant all those things I said to you. I did first notice your eyes.
At long last I have figured out what the folks with the fish symbol on their car are trying to tell me: "Yeah, I cut you off, but it's OK. God forgives me."

Also see: [[Only on Sunday]] and [[Christian Bumper Sticker]]
<html><object width="400" height="327"><param name="movie" value="http://content3.porkolt.com/miniplayer/player.swf?parameters=http://datas3.porkolt.com/datas/10677"></param><param name="bgcolor" value="#000000" /><embed src="http://content3.porkolt.com/miniplayer/player.swf?parameters=http://datas3.porkolt.com/datas/10677" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="400" height="327"></embed></object></html> 
!Flashdance Beer Commercial 
Never lose sight of your dream.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.metacafe.co.il&playerVars=blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http%3A%2F%2Falmostporn.net"  src="http://www.metacafe.co.il/fplayer/780260/football_boobs.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"> </embed><br /><font size="1"><a href="http://www.metacafe.co.il/watch/780260/football_boobs/">Football Boobs</a></font></html>
!Football Boobs
Everyone has a fantasy, and getting your hands on this set of footballs just might be yours. But there is a part of me that says telling a girl you want to put your face between her pigskins and play motorboat is not going to score you any points, no matter how big of a St. Louis Rams fan she is. On the other hand if her boobs feel like footballs, why the hell are you still there? Go out and find a real woman.
|''Version:''|1.0.8 (2007-04-12)|
|''Author:''|UdoBorkowski (ub [at] abego-software [dot] de)|
|''Licence:''|[[BSD open source license (abego Software)|http://www.abego-software.de/legal/apl-v10.html]]|
|''Copyright:''|&copy; 2005-2007 [[abego Software|http://www.abego-software.de]]|
|''TiddlyWiki:''|1.2.38+, 2.0|
|''Browser:''|Firefox 1.0.4+; Firefox 1.5; InternetExplorer 6.0|

Create customizable lists, tables etc. for your selections of tiddlers. Specify the tiddlers to include and their order through a powerful language.

|>|{{{<<}}}''forEachTiddler'' [''in'' //tiddlyWikiPath//] [''where'' //whereCondition//] [''sortBy'' //sortExpression// [''ascending'' //or// ''descending'']] [''script'' //scriptText//] [//action// [//actionParameters//]]{{{>>}}}|
|//tiddlyWikiPath//|The filepath to the TiddlyWiki the macro should work on. When missing the current TiddlyWiki is used.|
|//whereCondition//|(quoted) JavaScript boolean expression. May refer to the build-in variables {{{tiddler}}} and  {{{context}}}.|
|//sortExpression//|(quoted) JavaScript expression returning "comparable" objects (using '{{{<}}}','{{{>}}}','{{{==}}}'. May refer to the build-in variables {{{tiddler}}} and  {{{context}}}.|
|//scriptText//|(quoted) JavaScript text. Typically defines JavaScript functions that are called by the various JavaScript expressions (whereClause, sortClause, action arguments,...)|
|//action//|The action that should be performed on every selected tiddler, in the given order. By default the actions [[addToList|AddToListAction]] and [[write|WriteAction]] are supported. When no action is specified [[addToList|AddToListAction]]  is used.|
|//actionParameters//|(action specific) parameters the action may refer while processing the tiddlers (see action descriptions for details). <<tiddler [[JavaScript in actionParameters]]>>|
|>|~~Syntax formatting: Keywords in ''bold'', optional parts in [...]. 'or' means that exactly one of the two alternatives must exist.~~|

See details see [[ForEachTiddlerMacro]] and [[ForEachTiddlerExamples]].

!Revision history
* v1.0.8 (2007-04-12)
** Adapted to latest TiddlyWiki 2.2 Beta importTiddlyWiki API (introduced with changeset 2004). TiddlyWiki 2.2 Beta builds prior to changeset 2004 are no longer supported (but TiddlyWiki 2.1 and earlier, of cause)
* v1.0.7 (2007-03-28)
** Also support "pre" formatted TiddlyWikis (introduced with TW 2.2) (when using "in" clause to work on external tiddlers)
* v1.0.6 (2006-09-16)
** Context provides "viewerTiddler", i.e. the tiddler used to view the macro. Most times this is equal to the "inTiddler", but when using the "tiddler" macro both may be different.
** Support "begin", "end" and "none" expressions in "write" action
* v1.0.5 (2006-02-05)
** Pass tiddler containing the macro with wikify, context object also holds reference to tiddler containing the macro ("inTiddler"). Thanks to SimonBaird.
** Support Firefox
** Internal
*** Make "JSLint" conform
*** "Only install once"
* v1.0.4 (2006-01-06)
** Support TiddlyWiki 2.0
* v1.0.3 (2005-12-22)
** Features: 
*** Write output to a file supports multi-byte environments (Thanks to Bram Chen) 
*** Provide API to access the forEachTiddler functionality directly through JavaScript (see getTiddlers and performMacro)
** Enhancements:
*** Improved error messages on InternetExplorer.
* v1.0.2 (2005-12-10)
** Features: 
*** context object also holds reference to store (TiddlyWiki)
** Fixed Bugs: 
*** ForEachTiddler 1.0.1 has broken support on win32 Opera 8.51 (Thanks to BrunoSabin for reporting)
* v1.0.1 (2005-12-08)
** Features: 
*** Access tiddlers stored in separated TiddlyWikis through the "in" option. I.e. you are no longer limited to only work on the "current TiddlyWiki".
*** Write output to an external file using the "toFile" option of the "write" action. With this option you may write your customized tiddler exports.
*** Use the "script" section to define "helper" JavaScript functions etc. to be used in the various JavaScript expressions (whereClause, sortClause, action arguments,...).
*** Access and store context information for the current forEachTiddler invocation (through the build-in "context" object) .
*** Improved script evaluation (for where/sort clause and write scripts).
* v1.0.0 (2005-11-20)
** initial version


//		   ForEachTiddlerPlugin

// Only install once
if (!version.extensions.ForEachTiddlerPlugin) {

if (!window.abego) window.abego = {};

version.extensions.ForEachTiddlerPlugin = {
	major: 1, minor: 0, revision: 8, 
	date: new Date(2007,3,12), 
	source: "http://tiddlywiki.abego-software.de/#ForEachTiddlerPlugin",
	licence: "[[BSD open source license (abego Software)|http://www.abego-software.de/legal/apl-v10.html]]",
	copyright: "Copyright (c) abego Software GmbH, 2005-2007 (www.abego-software.de)"

// For backward compatibility with TW 1.2.x
if (!TiddlyWiki.prototype.forEachTiddler) {
	TiddlyWiki.prototype.forEachTiddler = function(callback) {
		for(var t in this.tiddlers) {

// forEachTiddler Macro

version.extensions.forEachTiddler = {
	major: 1, minor: 0, revision: 8, date: new Date(2007,3,12), provider: "http://tiddlywiki.abego-software.de"};

// ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
// Configurations and constants 
// ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

config.macros.forEachTiddler = {
	 // Standard Properties
	 label: "forEachTiddler",
	 prompt: "Perform actions on a (sorted) selection of tiddlers",

	 // actions
	 actions: {
		 addToList: {},
		 write: {}

// ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
//  The forEachTiddler Macro Handler 
// ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

config.macros.forEachTiddler.getContainingTiddler = function(e) {
	while(e && !hasClass(e,"tiddler"))
		e = e.parentNode;
	var title = e ? e.getAttribute("tiddler") : null; 
	return title ? store.getTiddler(title) : null;

config.macros.forEachTiddler.handler = function(place,macroName,params,wikifier,paramString,tiddler) {
	// config.macros.forEachTiddler.traceMacroCall(place,macroName,params,wikifier,paramString,tiddler);

	if (!tiddler) tiddler = config.macros.forEachTiddler.getContainingTiddler(place);
	// --- Parsing ------------------------------------------

	var i = 0; // index running over the params
	// Parse the "in" clause
	var tiddlyWikiPath = undefined;
	if ((i < params.length) && params[i] == "in") {
		if (i >= params.length) {
			this.handleError(place, "TiddlyWiki path expected behind 'in'.");
		tiddlyWikiPath = this.paramEncode((i < params.length) ? params[i] : "");

	// Parse the where clause
	var whereClause ="true";
	if ((i < params.length) && params[i] == "where") {
		whereClause = this.paramEncode((i < params.length) ? params[i] : "");

	// Parse the sort stuff
	var sortClause = null;
	var sortAscending = true; 
	if ((i < params.length) && params[i] == "sortBy") {
		if (i >= params.length) {
			this.handleError(place, "sortClause missing behind 'sortBy'.");
		sortClause = this.paramEncode(params[i]);

		if ((i < params.length) && (params[i] == "ascending" || params[i] == "descending")) {
			 sortAscending = params[i] == "ascending";

	// Parse the script
	var scriptText = null;
	if ((i < params.length) && params[i] == "script") {
		scriptText = this.paramEncode((i < params.length) ? params[i] : "");

	// Parse the action. 
	// When we are already at the end use the default action
	var actionName = "addToList";
	if (i < params.length) {
	   if (!config.macros.forEachTiddler.actions[params[i]]) {
			this.handleError(place, "Unknown action '"+params[i]+"'.");
		} else {
			actionName = params[i]; 
	// Get the action parameter
	// (the parsing is done inside the individual action implementation.)
	var actionParameter = params.slice(i);

	// --- Processing ------------------------------------------
	try {
				place: place, 
				inTiddler: tiddler,
				whereClause: whereClause, 
				sortClause: sortClause, 
				sortAscending: sortAscending, 
				actionName: actionName, 
				actionParameter: actionParameter, 
				scriptText: scriptText, 
				tiddlyWikiPath: tiddlyWikiPath});

	} catch (e) {
		this.handleError(place, e);

// Returns an object with properties "tiddlers" and "context".
// tiddlers holds the (sorted) tiddlers selected by the parameter,
// context the context of the execution of the macro.
// The action is not yet performed.
// @parameter see performMacro
config.macros.forEachTiddler.getTiddlersAndContext = function(parameter) {

	var context = config.macros.forEachTiddler.createContext(parameter.place, parameter.whereClause, parameter.sortClause, parameter.sortAscending, parameter.actionName, parameter.actionParameter, parameter.scriptText, parameter.tiddlyWikiPath, parameter.inTiddler);

	var tiddlyWiki = parameter.tiddlyWikiPath ? this.loadTiddlyWiki(parameter.tiddlyWikiPath) : store;
	context["tiddlyWiki"] = tiddlyWiki;
	// Get the tiddlers, as defined by the whereClause
	var tiddlers = this.findTiddlers(parameter.whereClause, context, tiddlyWiki);
	context["tiddlers"] = tiddlers;

	// Sort the tiddlers, when sorting is required.
	if (parameter.sortClause) {
		this.sortTiddlers(tiddlers, parameter.sortClause, parameter.sortAscending, context);

	return {tiddlers: tiddlers, context: context};

// Returns the (sorted) tiddlers selected by the parameter.
// The action is not yet performed.
// @parameter see performMacro
config.macros.forEachTiddler.getTiddlers = function(parameter) {
	return this.getTiddlersAndContext(parameter).tiddlers;

// Performs the macros with the given parameter.
// @param parameter holds the parameter of the macro as separate properties.
//				  The following properties are supported:
//						place
//						whereClause
//						sortClause
//						sortAscending
//						actionName
//						actionParameter
//						scriptText
//						tiddlyWikiPath
//					All properties are optional. 
//					For most actions the place property must be defined.
config.macros.forEachTiddler.performMacro = function(parameter) {
	var tiddlersAndContext = this.getTiddlersAndContext(parameter);

	// Perform the action
	var actionName = parameter.actionName ? parameter.actionName : "addToList";
	var action = config.macros.forEachTiddler.actions[actionName];
	if (!action) {
		this.handleError(parameter.place, "Unknown action '"+actionName+"'.");

	var actionHandler = action.handler;
	actionHandler(parameter.place, tiddlersAndContext.tiddlers, parameter.actionParameter, tiddlersAndContext.context);

// ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
//  The actions 
// ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

// Internal.
// --- The addToList Action -----------------------------------------------
config.macros.forEachTiddler.actions.addToList.handler = function(place, tiddlers, parameter, context) {
	// Parse the parameter
	var p = 0;

	// Check for extra parameters
	if (parameter.length > p) {
		config.macros.forEachTiddler.createExtraParameterErrorElement(place, "addToList", parameter, p);

	// Perform the action.
	var list = document.createElement("ul");
	for (var i = 0; i < tiddlers.length; i++) {
		var tiddler = tiddlers[i];
		var listItem = document.createElement("li");
		createTiddlyLink(listItem, tiddler.title, true);

abego.parseNamedParameter = function(name, parameter, i) {
	var beginExpression = null;
	if ((i < parameter.length) && parameter[i] == name) {
		if (i >= parameter.length) {
			throw "Missing text behind '%0'".format([name]);
		return config.macros.forEachTiddler.paramEncode(parameter[i]);
	return null;

// Internal.
// --- The write Action ---------------------------------------------------
config.macros.forEachTiddler.actions.write.handler = function(place, tiddlers, parameter, context) {
	// Parse the parameter
	var p = 0;
	if (p >= parameter.length) {
		this.handleError(place, "Missing expression behind 'write'.");

	var textExpression = config.macros.forEachTiddler.paramEncode(parameter[p]);

	// Parse the "begin" option
	var beginExpression = abego.parseNamedParameter("begin", parameter, p);
	if (beginExpression !== null) 
		p += 2;
	var endExpression = abego.parseNamedParameter("end", parameter, p);
	if (endExpression !== null) 
		p += 2;
	var noneExpression = abego.parseNamedParameter("none", parameter, p);
	if (noneExpression !== null) 
		p += 2;

	// Parse the "toFile" option
	var filename = null;
	var lineSeparator = undefined;
	if ((p < parameter.length) && parameter[p] == "toFile") {
		if (p >= parameter.length) {
			this.handleError(place, "Filename expected behind 'toFile' of 'write' action.");
		filename = config.macros.forEachTiddler.getLocalPath(config.macros.forEachTiddler.paramEncode(parameter[p]));
		if ((p < parameter.length) && parameter[p] == "withLineSeparator") {
			if (p >= parameter.length) {
				this.handleError(place, "Line separator text expected behind 'withLineSeparator' of 'write' action.");
			lineSeparator = config.macros.forEachTiddler.paramEncode(parameter[p]);
	// Check for extra parameters
	if (parameter.length > p) {
		config.macros.forEachTiddler.createExtraParameterErrorElement(place, "write", parameter, p);

	// Perform the action.
	var func = config.macros.forEachTiddler.getEvalTiddlerFunction(textExpression, context);
	var count = tiddlers.length;
	var text = "";
	if (count > 0 && beginExpression)
		text += config.macros.forEachTiddler.getEvalTiddlerFunction(beginExpression, context)(undefined, context, count, undefined);
	for (var i = 0; i < count; i++) {
		var tiddler = tiddlers[i];
		text += func(tiddler, context, count, i);
	if (count > 0 && endExpression)
		text += config.macros.forEachTiddler.getEvalTiddlerFunction(endExpression, context)(undefined, context, count, undefined);

	if (count == 0 && noneExpression) 
		text += config.macros.forEachTiddler.getEvalTiddlerFunction(noneExpression, context)(undefined, context, count, undefined);

	if (filename) {
		if (lineSeparator !== undefined) {
			lineSeparator = lineSeparator.replace(/\\n/mg, "\n").replace(/\\r/mg, "\r");
			text = text.replace(/\n/mg,lineSeparator);
		saveFile(filename, convertUnicodeToUTF8(text));
	} else {
		var wrapper = createTiddlyElement(place, "span");
		wikify(text, wrapper, null/* highlightRegExp */, context.inTiddler);

// ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
//  Helpers
// ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

// Internal.
config.macros.forEachTiddler.createContext = function(placeParam, whereClauseParam, sortClauseParam, sortAscendingParam, actionNameParam, actionParameterParam, scriptText, tiddlyWikiPathParam, inTiddlerParam) {
	return {
		place : placeParam, 
		whereClause : whereClauseParam, 
		sortClause : sortClauseParam, 
		sortAscending : sortAscendingParam, 
		script : scriptText,
		actionName : actionNameParam, 
		actionParameter : actionParameterParam,
		tiddlyWikiPath : tiddlyWikiPathParam,
		inTiddler : inTiddlerParam, // the tiddler containing the <<forEachTiddler ...>> macro call.
		viewerTiddler : config.macros.forEachTiddler.getContainingTiddler(placeParam) // the tiddler showing the forEachTiddler result

// Internal.
// Returns a TiddlyWiki with the tiddlers loaded from the TiddlyWiki of 
// the given path.
config.macros.forEachTiddler.loadTiddlyWiki = function(path, idPrefix) {
	if (!idPrefix) {
		idPrefix = "store";
	var lenPrefix = idPrefix.length;
	// Read the content of the given file
	var content = loadFile(this.getLocalPath(path));
	if(content === null) {
		throw "TiddlyWiki '"+path+"' not found.";
	var tiddlyWiki = new TiddlyWiki();

	// Starting with TW 2.2 there is a helper function to import the tiddlers
	if (tiddlyWiki.importTiddlyWiki) {
		if (!tiddlyWiki.importTiddlyWiki(content))
			throw "File '"+path+"' is not a TiddlyWiki.";
		tiddlyWiki.dirty = false;
		return tiddlyWiki;
	// The legacy code, for TW < 2.2
	// Locate the storeArea div's
	var posOpeningDiv = content.indexOf(startSaveArea);
	var posClosingDiv = content.lastIndexOf(endSaveArea);
	if((posOpeningDiv == -1) || (posClosingDiv == -1)) {
		throw "File '"+path+"' is not a TiddlyWiki.";
	var storageText = content.substr(posOpeningDiv + startSaveArea.length, posClosingDiv);
	// Create a "div" element that contains the storage text
	var myStorageDiv = document.createElement("div");
	myStorageDiv.innerHTML = storageText;
	// Create all tiddlers in a new TiddlyWiki
	// (following code is modified copy of TiddlyWiki.prototype.loadFromDiv)
	var store = myStorageDiv.childNodes;
	for(var t = 0; t < store.length; t++) {
		var e = store[t];
		var title = null;
			title = e.getAttribute("tiddler");
		if(!title && e.id && e.id.substr(0,lenPrefix) == idPrefix)
			title = e.id.substr(lenPrefix);
		if(title && title !== "") {
			var tiddler = tiddlyWiki.createTiddler(title);
	tiddlyWiki.dirty = false;

	return tiddlyWiki;

// Internal.
// Returns a function that has a function body returning the given javaScriptExpression.
// The function has the parameters:
//	 (tiddler, context, count, index)
config.macros.forEachTiddler.getEvalTiddlerFunction = function (javaScriptExpression, context) {
	var script = context["script"];
	var functionText = "var theFunction = function(tiddler, context, count, index) { return "+javaScriptExpression+"}";
	var fullText = (script ? script+";" : "")+functionText+";theFunction;";
	return eval(fullText);

// Internal.
config.macros.forEachTiddler.findTiddlers = function(whereClause, context, tiddlyWiki) {
	var result = [];
	var func = config.macros.forEachTiddler.getEvalTiddlerFunction(whereClause, context);
	tiddlyWiki.forEachTiddler(function(title,tiddler) {
		if (func(tiddler, context, undefined, undefined)) {
	return result;

// Internal.
config.macros.forEachTiddler.createExtraParameterErrorElement = function(place, actionName, parameter, firstUnusedIndex) {
	var message = "Extra parameter behind '"+actionName+"':";
	for (var i = firstUnusedIndex; i < parameter.length; i++) {
		message += " "+parameter[i];
	this.handleError(place, message);

// Internal.
config.macros.forEachTiddler.sortAscending = function(tiddlerA, tiddlerB) {
	var result = 
		(tiddlerA.forEachTiddlerSortValue == tiddlerB.forEachTiddlerSortValue) 
			? 0
			: (tiddlerA.forEachTiddlerSortValue < tiddlerB.forEachTiddlerSortValue)
			   ? -1 
			   : +1; 
	return result;

// Internal.
config.macros.forEachTiddler.sortDescending = function(tiddlerA, tiddlerB) {
	var result = 
		(tiddlerA.forEachTiddlerSortValue == tiddlerB.forEachTiddlerSortValue) 
			? 0
			: (tiddlerA.forEachTiddlerSortValue < tiddlerB.forEachTiddlerSortValue)
			   ? +1 
			   : -1; 
	return result;

// Internal.
config.macros.forEachTiddler.sortTiddlers = function(tiddlers, sortClause, ascending, context) {
	// To avoid evaluating the sortClause whenever two items are compared 
	// we pre-calculate the sortValue for every item in the array and store it in a 
	// temporary property ("forEachTiddlerSortValue") of the tiddlers.
	var func = config.macros.forEachTiddler.getEvalTiddlerFunction(sortClause, context);
	var count = tiddlers.length;
	var i;
	for (i = 0; i < count; i++) {
		var tiddler = tiddlers[i];
		tiddler.forEachTiddlerSortValue = func(tiddler,context, undefined, undefined);

	// Do the sorting
	tiddlers.sort(ascending ? this.sortAscending : this.sortDescending);

	// Delete the temporary property that holds the sortValue.	
	for (i = 0; i < tiddlers.length; i++) {
		delete tiddlers[i].forEachTiddlerSortValue;

// Internal.
config.macros.forEachTiddler.trace = function(message) {

// Internal.
config.macros.forEachTiddler.traceMacroCall = function(place,macroName,params) {
	var message ="<<"+macroName;
	for (var i = 0; i < params.length; i++) {
		message += " "+params[i];
	message += ">>";

// Internal.
// Creates an element that holds an error message
config.macros.forEachTiddler.createErrorElement = function(place, exception) {
	var message = (exception.description) ? exception.description : exception.toString();
	return createTiddlyElement(place,"span",null,"forEachTiddlerError","<<forEachTiddler ...>>: "+message);

// Internal.
// @param place [may be null]
config.macros.forEachTiddler.handleError = function(place, exception) {
	if (place) {
		this.createErrorElement(place, exception);
	} else {
		throw exception;

// Internal.
// Encodes the given string.
// Replaces 
//	 "$))" to ">>"
//	 "$)" to ">"
config.macros.forEachTiddler.paramEncode = function(s) {
	var reGTGT = new RegExp("\\$\\)\\)","mg");
	var reGT = new RegExp("\\$\\)","mg");
	return s.replace(reGTGT, ">>").replace(reGT, ">");

// Internal.
// Returns the given original path (that is a file path, starting with "file:")
// as a path to a local file, in the systems native file format.
// Location information in the originalPath (i.e. the "#" and stuff following)
// is stripped.
config.macros.forEachTiddler.getLocalPath = function(originalPath) {
	// Remove any location part of the URL
	var hashPos = originalPath.indexOf("#");
	if(hashPos != -1)
		originalPath = originalPath.substr(0,hashPos);
	// Convert to a native file format assuming
	// "file:///x:/path/path/path..." - pc local file --> "x:\path\path\path..."
	// "file://///server/share/path/path/path..." - FireFox pc network file --> "\\server\share\path\path\path..."
	// "file:///path/path/path..." - mac/unix local file --> "/path/path/path..."
	// "file://server/share/path/path/path..." - pc network file --> "\\server\share\path\path\path..."
	var localPath;
	if(originalPath.charAt(9) == ":") // pc local file
		localPath = unescape(originalPath.substr(8)).replace(new RegExp("/","g"),"\\");
	else if(originalPath.indexOf("file://///") === 0) // FireFox pc network file
		localPath = "\\\\" + unescape(originalPath.substr(10)).replace(new RegExp("/","g"),"\\");
	else if(originalPath.indexOf("file:///") === 0) // mac/unix local file
		localPath = unescape(originalPath.substr(7));
	else if(originalPath.indexOf("file:/") === 0) // mac/unix local file
		localPath = unescape(originalPath.substr(5));
	else // pc network file
		localPath = "\\\\" + unescape(originalPath.substr(7)).replace(new RegExp("/","g"),"\\");	
	return localPath;

// ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
// Stylesheet Extensions (may be overridden by local StyleSheet)
// ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
	".forEachTiddlerError{color: #ffffff;background-color: #880000;}",

// End of forEachTiddler Macro

// String.startsWith Function
// Returns true if the string starts with the given prefix, false otherwise.
version.extensions["String.startsWith"] = {major: 1, minor: 0, revision: 0, date: new Date(2005,11,20), provider: "http://tiddlywiki.abego-software.de"};
String.prototype.startsWith = function(prefix) {
	var n =  prefix.length;
	return (this.length >= n) && (this.slice(0, n) == prefix);

// String.endsWith Function
// Returns true if the string ends with the given suffix, false otherwise.
version.extensions["String.endsWith"] = {major: 1, minor: 0, revision: 0, date: new Date(2005,11,20), provider: "http://tiddlywiki.abego-software.de"};
String.prototype.endsWith = function(suffix) {
	var n = suffix.length;
	return (this.length >= n) && (this.right(n) == suffix);

// String.contains Function
// Returns true when the string contains the given substring, false otherwise.
version.extensions["String.contains"] = {major: 1, minor: 0, revision: 0, date: new Date(2005,11,20), provider: "http://tiddlywiki.abego-software.de"};
String.prototype.contains = function(substring) {
	return this.indexOf(substring) >= 0;

// Array.indexOf Function
// Returns the index of the first occurance of the given item in the array or 
// -1 when no such item exists.
// @param item [may be null]
version.extensions["Array.indexOf"] = {major: 1, minor: 0, revision: 0, date: new Date(2005,11,20), provider: "http://tiddlywiki.abego-software.de"};
Array.prototype.indexOf = function(item) {
	for (var i = 0; i < this.length; i++) {
		if (this[i] == item) {
			return i;
	return -1;

// Array.contains Function
// Returns true when the array contains the given item, otherwise false. 
// @param item [may be null]
version.extensions["Array.contains"] = {major: 1, minor: 0, revision: 0, date: new Date(2005,11,20), provider: "http://tiddlywiki.abego-software.de"};
Array.prototype.contains = function(item) {
	return (this.indexOf(item) >= 0);

// Array.containsAny Function
// Returns true when the array contains at least one of the elements 
// of the item. Otherwise (or when items contains no elements) false is returned.
version.extensions["Array.containsAny"] = {major: 1, minor: 0, revision: 0, date: new Date(2005,11,20), provider: "http://tiddlywiki.abego-software.de"};
Array.prototype.containsAny = function(items) {
	for(var i = 0; i < items.length; i++) {
		if (this.contains(items[i])) {
			return true;
	return false;

// Array.containsAll Function
// Returns true when the array contains all the items, otherwise false.
// When items is null false is returned (even if the array contains a null).
// @param items [may be null] 
version.extensions["Array.containsAll"] = {major: 1, minor: 0, revision: 0, date: new Date(2005,11,20), provider: "http://tiddlywiki.abego-software.de"};
Array.prototype.containsAll = function(items) {
	for(var i = 0; i < items.length; i++) {
		if (!this.contains(items[i])) {
			return false;
	return true;

} // of "install only once"

// Used Globals (for JSLint) ==============
// ... DOM
/*global 	document */
// ... TiddlyWiki Core
/*global 	convertUnicodeToUTF8, createTiddlyElement, createTiddlyLink, 
			displayMessage, endSaveArea, hasClass, loadFile, saveFile, 
			startSaveArea, store, wikify */

!Licence and Copyright
Copyright (c) abego Software ~GmbH, 2005 ([[www.abego-software.de|http://www.abego-software.de]])

Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without modification,
are permitted provided that the following conditions are met:

Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright notice, this
list of conditions and the following disclaimer.

Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright notice, this
list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the documentation and/or other
materials provided with the distribution.

Neither the name of abego Software nor the names of its contributors may be
used to endorse or promote products derived from this software without specific
prior written permission.

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Last time I looked we had 9719 members. I guess there are a lot of people who like to look at almost porn.
This is a clothing label from a small American company that sells their product in France. Here is the translation of the French part of the label.

Wash with warm water.
Use mild soap.
Dry flat.
Do not use bleach.
Do not dry in the dryer.
Do not iron.
We are sorry that our president is an idiot.
We did not vote for him.

Borrowed from: http://www.theliberalblogger.com/
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. Her nameplate identifies her as Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that Kermit will need to secure the loan with some form of collateral.

Kermit says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, only an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and blurts out, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 and he wants to use *this* as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.

"I mean, what in the world *is* this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(Heh. You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, you are...)
<html><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/LlsNOvLqGs4"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/LlsNOvLqGs4" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object></html>
!Fu-Ko 02 (Japanese huge boobs)
Like a nice set of pillows that you just want to rest your head on after some really great sex.
[[03|Fu-Ko 03 (Japanese huge boobs)]] - [[04|Fu-Ko 04 (Japanese huge boobs)]]
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!Fu-Ko 03 (Japanese huge boobs)
One of the things I really like about this girl, she doesn't say a thing. Just stands there looking cute. But I bet with a little application of a tongue she'd make some nice noises.
[[02|Fu-Ko 02 (Japanese huge boobs)]] - [[04|Fu-Ko 04 (Japanese huge boobs)]]
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!Fu-Ko 04 (Japanese huge boobs)
And at last we find out that she is a P cup. That means that she is 16 inches bigger around the bust then around her chest. Her measurements translate into 49, 25, 36 inches.
A rough translation of what she says "I love having sexy girl's play with my lovely breast. And nothing is funnier to me then watching men walk into objects while they stare at my tits."

[[02|Fu-Ko 02 (Japanese huge boobs)]] - [[03|Fu-Ko 03 (Japanese huge boobs)]]
These people have done the work to prove that they can be trusted to uphold the dignity of AlmostPorn.

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!Funny Conference Call
The girl in the top left corner can not get the video feed working. While she waits for assistance she removes her bra while everyone else watches on.
Remember, just because you can't see them doesn't mean they can't see you.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/615706/future_queen_of_spain_suprise.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/615706/future_queen_of_spain_suprise/">Future Queen Of Spain - Suprise</a></font></html>
!Future Queen Of Spain panty flash
Guess it shows that even a Princess can have a bad day.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/414240/valentines_day_romancing_the_bride_fuzzy_handcuffs.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/414240/valentines_day_romancing_the_bride_fuzzy_handcuffs/">Valentines Day - Romancing The Bride - Fuzzy HandCuffs - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
!Romancing The Bride - Fuzzy Hand Cuffs
Straight-laced Laura Prepon (Donna on Thats70s Show) gets smashed the night before her wedding and wakes up with more than she bargained for -- specifically, a hot tamale in her bed, Matt Cedeno (Brandon Walker on Days of our Lives) who claims they're hitched! Was it true love that led her to tie the knot, or just some extra potent Mayan moonshine? 
Sometimes they will be games to play online, sometimes things to play off line.
Either way it is just our way of helping you live up to your claim to be a ''//playa'//''
<html><span><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embed/8FC1C073ACAD458DA9D92E35F683AD0D" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="405" wmode="transparent"></embed><br/><a href="http://www.livevideo.com/video/embedLink/8FC1C073ACAD458DA9D92E35F683AD0D/29266/get-naked.aspx">Get Naked</a></span></html>
Got to see your body naked!
<html><embed allowScriptAccess="never" allowFullScreen="true"  src="http://grouper.com/mtg/mtgPlayer.swf?v=1.7" width="400" height="325" quality="high" scale="noScale" FlashVars="ap=0&mu=0&rf=-1&vfver=8&extid=-1&extsite=-1&id=1042477&ml=o%3d7%26fk%3dCamWithHer%26fx%3d" wmode="window" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/shockwave/download/index.cgi?P1_Prod_Version=ShockwaveFlash" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></html>
!Gieda & Femme in the Bath
Rub-a-dub-dub! Two hot chicks in a tub! Make sure you keep it clean girls. 
Oops, I dropped the soap... again.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/541420/girl_with_2_pussies.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/541420/girl_with_2_pussies/">Girl With 2 Pussies!</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>The best video clips are here</a></font></html>
!Girl With 2 Pussies!
Hot girl born with 2 pussies! Amazing! You have to see this to believe it! Most men love it as they can chose to play with one or both of them at the same time, just like she likes to do.
Watch more at gagfilms.com
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!Give him wood this Valentine
I love it when a woman gives me wood! What about you?
[img[http://www.secretsoncam.com/image_female69/image-1.jpg][http://www.secretsoncam.com/women69.html]] [img[http://www.secretsoncam.com/image_female69/image-4.jpg][http://www.secretsoncam.com/women69.html]] 
[img[http://www.secretsoncam.com/image_female69/image-6.jpg][http://www.secretsoncam.com/women69.html]] [img[http://www.secretsoncam.com/image_female69/image-5.jpg][http://www.secretsoncam.com/women69.html]]
!Personal Details
Height: 5’8”
Bust: 36D
Waist: 24
Hips: 36
Dress: 4
Shoe: 9.5
Hair: Blond
Eyes: Hazel
Location: New York, NY
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A comedy about life in the corporate offices of God. What if all the problems on earth were not caused by a spiteful deity, or karma, or fate, but just office politics and the Peter Principle?

What? You don't know about the Peter Principle? The Peter Principal says that you will keep getting promoted until you are unable, or just barely able, to do your job. Then, rather then your superior actually admitting they made a mistake, they will keep you in that position till you fuck up so badly they can fire you. If you quit and go somewhere else, you will likely try to get a job much like the one you just left, as you have gotten used to the money. Does that incompetent manager who's been there for 10 years now make more sense to you?

[[God, Inc - Episode 1]] - [[God, Inc - Episode 2]] - [[God, Inc - Episode 3]] - [[God, Inc - Episode 4]]
Oh, and you can learn more about it here: http://www.francisstokes.com/. Seems this is going to go to 6 episodes.
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A comedy about life in the corporate offices of God. What if all the problems on earth were not caused by a spiteful deity, or karma, or fate, but just office politics and the Peter Principle?

[[God, Inc - Episode 1]] - [[God, Inc - Episode 2]] - [[God, Inc - Episode 3]] - [[God, Inc - Episode 4]]
<html><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/8Gx_EYv8JYI"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/8Gx_EYv8JYI" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object></html>

A comedy about life in the corporate offices of God. What if all the problems on earth were not caused by a spiteful deity, or karma, or fate, but just office politics and the Peter Principle?

[[God, Inc - Episode 1]] - [[God, Inc - Episode 2]] - [[God, Inc - Episode 3]] - [[God, Inc - Episode 4]]
<html><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Taf3KI09WFM"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Taf3KI09WFM" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object></html>

A comedy about life in the corporate offices of God. What if all the problems on earth were not caused by a spiteful deity, or karma, or fate, but just office politics and the Peter Principle?

[[God, Inc - Episode 1]] - [[God, Inc - Episode 2]] - [[God, Inc - Episode 3]] - [[God, Inc - Episode 4]]
<html><div><object width="425" height="335"><param name="movie" value="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/1SIihUu6eOyd95Tz5"></param><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/1SIihUu6eOyd95Tz5" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="334" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object><br /><b><a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xu4ab_pub-toyota-corolla-air-conditionne">Pub Toyota Corolla (Air Conditionné)</a></b><br /><i>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/glst81">glst81</a></i></div></html>

Once again, why is this not shown in the US?
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/272783/good_advice.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/272783/good_advice/">Good Advice</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Click here for funny video clips</a></font></html>
!Good Advice for Your Future
Don't take a chance on getting pregnant. Follow her advice to protect your future. All the Promise Keepers will love you for it. Of course if you are really smart you will still use a condom every time. Yes, even if you love them.

!Technical Virgin
<html><iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/fwpqJ_ntRSU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></html>

The PBS network fired Melanie Martinez, former host of The Good Night Show (targeted at preschoolers), for making these mock Public Service Announcements called 'Technical Virgin' which promoted the use of dildos and anal sex as an alternative for women who were thinking about loosing their virginity.
Thousands of parents protested their censorship.
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!Good Greek Salad
Guy shows that he is very lucky...and dumb, as he repeats his error.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows ME, I will send you to the electric chair."
<html><object width="800" height="600"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/UveJo04T5lg"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/UveJo04T5lg" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="800" height="600"></embed></object></html>
!Gravity Plays Favorites
Local ladies, Katherine "Katrina" Sullivan and Michelle Lindsey formerly worked the poles at the St. Louis area Hustler Club together. Now working as ''Gravity Plays Favorites'', they are making a name for themselves nationwide.
Their website:http://www.gravityplaysfavorites.com/
A collection of people's names that I have encountered and thought a little odd.
*Amanda Huginfuch
*Harry Cox
*Shirley Will
*Willie Dewit
*Will Fuch
*Anita Hugg
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!Greek Cheerleaders
Enjoy the Hellenic cheerleaders, Greek Drops, the cheerleaders of the Greek National Basketball team.
Personally I think their outfits are way to big. And who decided to include all those basketball players in this? I only wanted to see the Cheerleaders, and the guys got in the way.
<html><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/flvplayer.swf?autoStart=0&popup=1&scale_it=1&video=http%3a%2f%2fwww.livevideo.com%2fmedia%2fgetflashvideo.ashx%3fcid%3dC34B2E4A024D45E2B6253E6FBD7F22A8%26rby%3d10882-0%26popup%3d1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="405" wmode="transparent"></embed><br/><a target="_new" href="http://www.livevideo.com/video/C34B2E4A024D45E2B6253E6FBD7F22A8/dont+cyber+with+your+sister+by+mistake.aspx">Dont Cyber With Your Sister By Mistake</a></html>
This would be a little embarrassing.
Luckily my sister doesn't have a web cam.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=videoTitle=Somehow Halliburton Can Profit From Zombies |showStats=yes|autoPlay=no|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/760088/somehow_halliburton_can_profit_from_zombies.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/760088/somehow_halliburton_can_profit_from_zombies/">Somehow Halliburton Can Profit From Zombies</a></font></html>
!Halliburton Can Profit From Zombies
OK, as funny as this video is, please keep it in mind next time you see something like "Proof that 9/11 was a hoax" or "Pamela Anderson is a drag queen". Of course if you see "Scarlett Johansson and Angelina Jolie go muff diving", that one is real.
<html><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/V_TR-O9AXCs"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/V_TR-O9AXCs" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object></html>
!Have these breast in large?
No, but she sure has. Poor kid. After making this commercial I understand he had to spend some time in the bathroom....alone.

Words fail me at this point.
All I can guess is that the cat had a little too much catnip.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=no|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/158287/tempting_korean_girl.swf" width="800" height="675" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/158287/tempting_korean_girl/">Tempting Korean Girl</a></font></html>
!Head Bobbing Girl
Watch as she takes it all into her mouth. She even channels Paris Hilton for a second there as she stops to answer the phone.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/334704/heads_or_tales.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/334704/heads_or_tales/">Heads Or Tales?</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Funny videos are here</a></font></html>
!Heads Or Tales? 
A storytelling Scoutmaster is abducted by a collection of bizarre aliens that have evolved with their faces where their genitals should be & vice versa. After wooing the female aliens for 14 months, the Scoutmaster is forced to return home by the disgruntled males of the species... but the Scoutmaster plans to stay! 
Made in Tasmania, Australia by [[Off Planet Films|www.offplanetfilms.com/]]
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!Help Me With My Bra
If a lady ask you to do it, would you? Are would you just stand there slack-jawed staring? Do you offer her your shirt, or your hands? 
She told me it was her hobbit hole. I figured I wasn't going to argue as it sure fit the description:
>"Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort."
I spent many an hour in her hole after the faire day. Then last year they removed the hobbit hole and replaced it with a merchant booth. 
Seems that the roof was not holding up. 
A man and woman had been married for many years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $295,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls." 
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/66347/cat_herding.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/66347/cat_herding/">Cat Herding</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Watch today’s top amazing videos here</a></font></html>
!Herding Cats
You think herding cattle is hard, you should try herding cats.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/413780/hero_love_or.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/413780/hero_love_or/">Hero? Love? Or .. - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
!Hero? Love? Or...
Will she find the one she is looking for?
|Description:|Allows conditional inclusion/exclusion in templates|
|Author:|Simon Baird <simon.baird@gmail.com>|
For use in ViewTemplate and EditTemplate. Example usage:
{{{<div macro="showWhenTagged Task">[[TaskToolbar]]</div>}}}
{{{<div macro="showWhen tiddler.modifier == 'BartSimpson'"><img src="bart.gif"/></div>}}}

Warning: the showWhen and hideWhen macros will blindly eval paramString.
This could be used to execute harmful javascript from a tiddler.

(TODO: Make some effort to sanitize paramString. Perhaps disallow the equals sign?)

window.hideWhenLastTest = false;

window.removeElementWhen = function(test,place) {
  window.hideWhenLastTest = test;
  if (test) {


  hideWhen: { handler: function(place,macroName,params,wikifier,paramString,tiddler) {
    removeElementWhen( eval(paramString), place );

  showWhen: { handler: function(place,macroName,params,wikifier,paramString,tiddler) {
    removeElementWhen( !eval(paramString), place );

  hideWhenTagged: { handler: function (place,macroName,params,wikifier,paramString,tiddler) {
    removeElementWhen( tiddler.tags.containsAll(params), place );

  showWhenTagged: { handler: function (place,macroName,params,wikifier,paramString,tiddler) {
    removeElementWhen( !tiddler.tags.containsAll(params), place );

  hideWhenTaggedAny: { handler: function (place,macroName,params,wikifier,paramString,tiddler) {
    removeElementWhen( tiddler.tags.containsAny(params), place );

  showWhenTaggedAny: { handler: function (place,macroName,params,wikifier,paramString,tiddler) {
    removeElementWhen( !tiddler.tags.containsAny(params), place );

  hideWhenTaggedAll: { handler: function (place,macroName,params,wikifier,paramString,tiddler) {
    removeElementWhen( tiddler.tags.containsAll(params), place );

  showWhenTaggedAll: { handler: function (place,macroName,params,wikifier,paramString,tiddler) {
    removeElementWhen( !tiddler.tags.containsAll(params), place );

  hideWhenExists: { handler: function(place,macroName,params,wikifier,paramString,tiddler) {
    removeElementWhen( store.tiddlerExists(params[0]) || store.isShadowTiddler(params[0]), place );

  showWhenExists: { handler: function(place,macroName,params,wikifier,paramString,tiddler) {
    removeElementWhen( !(store.tiddlerExists(params[0]) || store.isShadowTiddler(params[0])), place );

  hideWhenTitleIs: { handler: function(place,macroName,params,wikifier,paramString,tiddler) {
    removeElementWhen( tiddler.title == params[0], place );

  showWhenTitleIs: { handler: function(place,macroName,params,wikifier,paramString,tiddler) {
    removeElementWhen( tiddler.title != params[0], place );

  'else': { handler: function(place,macroName,params,wikifier,paramString,tiddler) {
    removeElementWhen( !window.hideWhenLastTest, place );


<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/500777/hold_your_own_boobs.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/500777/hold_your_own_boobs/">Hold Your Own Boobs</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Awesome video clips here</a></font></html>
!Hold Your Own Boobs
Funny sketch with Sarah Michelle Gellar and Will Ferrell promoting a new magazine devoted to holding boobs.
Now if only someone could conceive of the notion to hold some of the White House boobs accountable...

<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/595776/sweet_home.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/595776/sweet_home/">Sweet Home</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Funny blooper videos are here</a></font></html>
!Horny, I'm home!
Warning, this almost never happens. Normally everyone else just wants to join in.
Another insight into why men like to watch Girl on Girl action.
It is porn men can watch and not see anything that might offend them, or even more importantly not see anything that might make them feel like less of a man. There is no moment when he has to compare himself to the other guy.
Then there is the whole 'taboo' thing. We like to be shocked.
That he can fantasize about be able to join in...that is just a bonus.

Also see [[Answers to the great question]]
<html><span><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embed/EDCA3F1161D6473AB54BFDD7947B77D8" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="405" wmode="transparent"></embed><br/><a href="http://www.livevideo.com/video/embedLink/EDCA3F1161D6473AB54BFDD7947B77D8/29412/Hot+Chicks+for+Bald+Guys.aspx">Hot Chicks for Bald Guys</a></span></html>
No pubic hairs were harmed in the making of this video.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/616845/hot_love.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/616845/hot_love/">Hot Love</a></font></html>
!Hot Love
At one point I saw a demonstration of how to use fire in the bedroom. It was not like this. 
I have also had a friend get hot wax pored all over his head due to a candle getting knocked over during some energetic love making.
Lesson to be learned here; Keep the candles away from the bed except when using them for play.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/69639/wet_and_hot.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/69639/wet_and_hot/">Wet And Hot - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
!Hot and Wet Girl
Something nice to do on a hot afternoon; get a hot girl very, very wet.
<html><embed flashVars="playerVars=videoTitle=Hound Dogs - I Like Girls|showStats=no|autoPlay=no|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/83661/hound_dogs_i_like_girls.swf" width="800" height="675" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/83661/hound_dogs_i_like_girls/">Hound Dogs - I Like Girls</a></font></html>
!Hound Dogs - I Like Girls
Just shows that whatever you like is what you like. Even if it is a GILF.
Or a Furry. Some folks like them. No, really they do.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/549376/house_maid.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/549376/house_maid/">House Maid</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Watch the top videos of the week here</a></font></html>
!House Maid
I think one of these is in my future.
<<toggleSideBar '' '' hide>><<renameButton '>' >> 
<<jump j '' top>> 
<<saveChanges>><<renameButton s 'Save TiddlyWiki'>> 
<<newTiddler>><<renameButton n>> 
|Created by|SaqImtiaz|
Provides a hovering menu on the edge of the screen for commonly used commands, that scrolls with the page.

Observe the hovering menu on the right edge of the screen.

Copy the contents of this tiddler to your TW, tag with systemConfig, save and reload your TW.
To customize your HoverMenu, edit the HoverMenu shadow tiddler.

To customize whether the menu sticks to the right or left edge of the screen, and its start position, edit the HoverMenu configuration settings part of the code below. It's well documented, so don't be scared!

The menu has an id of hoverMenu, in case you want to style the buttons in it using css.

Since the default HoverMenu contains buttons for toggling the side bar and jumping to the top of the screen and to open tiddlers, the ToggleSideBarMacro, JumpMacro and the JumpToTopMacro are included in this tiddler, so you dont need to install them separately. Having them installed separately as well could lead to complications.

If you dont intend to use these three macros at all, feel free to remove those sections of code in this tiddler.

!To Do:
* rework code to allow multiple hovering menus in different positions, horizontal etc.
* incorporate code for keyboard shortcuts that correspond to the buttons in the hovermenu

*03-08-06, ver 1.1.2: compatibility fix with SelectThemePlugin
*03-08-06,  ver 1.11: fixed error with button tooltips
*27-07-06, ver 1.1 : added JumpMacro to hoverMenu


start HoverMenu plugin code

HoverMenu configuration settings
               align: 'right',    //align menu to right or left side of screen, possible values are 'right' and 'left'               
               x: 1,              // horizontal distance of menu from side of screen, increase to your liking.
               y: 158            //vertical distance of menu from top of screen at start, increase or decrease to your liking

//continue HoverMenu plugin code
               if (!document.getElementById("hoverMenu"))
               var theMenu = createTiddlyElement(document.getElementById("contentWrapper"), "div","hoverMenu");
               var menuContent = store.getTiddlerText("HoverMenu");

	       var Xloc = this.settings.x;
	       Yloc =this.settings.y;
	       var ns = (navigator.appName.indexOf("Netscape") != -1);
	       function SetMenu(id)
		        var GetElements=document.getElementById?document.getElementById(id):document.all?document.all[id]:document.layers[id];
		        GetElements.sP=function(x,y){this.style[config.hoverMenu.settings.align]=x +"px";this.style.top=y +"px";};
		        GetElements.x = Xloc;
		        GetElements.y = findScrollY();
		        GetElements.y += Yloc;
		        return GetElements;
		        var pY =  findScrollY();
                        ftlObj.y += (pY + Yloc - ftlObj.y)/15;
		        ftlObj.sP(ftlObj.x, ftlObj.y);
		        setTimeout("LoCate_XY()", 10);
               ftlObj = SetMenu("hoverMenu");

window.old_lewcid_hovermenu_restart = restart;
restart = function()

"#hoverMenu .imgLink, #hoverMenu .imgLink:hover {border:none; padding:0px; float:right; margin-bottom:2px; margin-top:0px;}\n"+
"#hoverMenu  .button, #hoverMenu  .tiddlyLink {border:none; font-weight:bold; background:#18f; color:#FFF; padding:0 5px; float:right; margin-bottom:4px;}\n"+
"#hoverMenu .button:hover, #hoverMenu .tiddlyLink:hover {font-weight:bold; border:none; color:#fff; background:#000; padding:0 5px; float:right; margin-bottom:4px;}\n"+
"#hoverMenu .button {width:100%; text-align:center}"+
"#hoverMenu { position:absolute; width:7px;}\n"+

config.macros.renameButton.handler = function(place,macroName,params,wikifier,paramString,tiddler)

               if (place.lastChild.tagName!="BR")
                      place.lastChild.firstChild.data = params[0];
                      if (params[1]) {place.lastChild.title = params[1];}

config.shadowTiddlers["HoverMenu"]="<<top>>\n<<toggleSideBar>><<renameButton '>' >>\n<<jump j '' top>>\n<<saveChanges>><<renameButton s 'Save TiddlyWiki'>>\n<<newTiddler>><<renameButton n>>\n";
//end HoverMenu plugin code

//Start ToggleSideBarMacro code

         styleHide :  "#sidebar { display: none;}\n"+"#contentWrapper #displayArea { margin-right: 1em;}\n"+"",
         styleShow : " ",
         arrow1: "«",
         arrow2: "»"

config.macros.toggleSideBar.handler=function (place,macroName,params,wikifier,paramString,tiddler)
          var tooltip= params[1]||'toggle sidebar';
          var mode = (params[2] && params[2]=="hide")? "hide":"show";
          var arrow = (mode == "hide")? this.settings.arrow1:this.settings.arrow2;
          var label= (params[0]&&params[0]!='.')?params[0]+" "+arrow:arrow;
          var theBtn = createTiddlyButton(place,label,tooltip,this.onToggleSideBar,"button HideSideBarButton");
          if (mode == "hide")

config.macros.toggleSideBar.onToggleSideBar = function(){
          var sidebar = document.getElementById("sidebar");
          var settings = config.macros.toggleSideBar.settings;
          if (sidebar.getAttribute("toggle")=='hide')
              this.firstChild.data= (this.firstChild.data).replace(settings.arrow1,settings.arrow2);
               this.firstChild.data= (this.firstChild.data).replace(settings.arrow2,settings.arrow1);

     return false;

setStylesheet(".HideSideBarButton .button {font-weight:bold; padding: 0 5px;}\n","ToggleSideBarButtonStyles");
//end ToggleSideBarMacro code

//start JumpToTopMacro code
               createTiddlyButton(place,"^","jump to top",this.onclick);

config.commands.top =
               text:" ^ ",
               tooltip:"jump to top"

config.commands.top.handler = function(event,src,title)
//end JumpToStartMacro code

//start JumpMacro code
config.macros.jump= {};
config.macros.jump.handler = function (place,macroName,params,wikifier,paramString,tiddler)
        var label = (params[0] && params[0]!=".")? params[0]: 'jump';
        var tooltip = (params[1] && params[1]!=".")? params[1]: 'jump to an open tiddler';
        var top = (params[2] && params[2]=='top') ? true: false;        

        var btn =createTiddlyButton(place,label,tooltip,this.onclick);
        if (top==true)

config.macros.jump.onclick = function(e)
        if (!e) var e = window.event;
        var theTarget = resolveTarget(e);
        var top = theTarget.getAttribute("top");
	var popup = Popup.create(this);
                                {createTiddlyButton(createTiddlyElement(popup,"li"),'Top ↑','Top of TW',config.macros.jump.top);
		story.forEachTiddler(function(title,element) {
	e.cancelBubble = true;
	if (e.stopPropagation) e.stopPropagation();
	return false;

config.macros.jump.top = function()
//end JumpMacro code

//utility functions
Popup.show = function(unused,slowly)
	var curr = Popup.stack[Popup.stack.length-1];
	var rootLeft = findPosX(curr.root);
	var rootTop = findPosY(curr.root);
	var rootHeight = curr.root.offsetHeight;
	var popupLeft = rootLeft;
	var popupTop = rootTop + rootHeight;
	var popupWidth = curr.popup.offsetWidth;
	var winWidth = findWindowWidth();
        if (isChild(curr.root,'hoverMenu'))
              var x = config.hoverMenu.settings.x;
              var x = 0;
	if(popupLeft + popupWidth+x > winWidth)
		popupLeft = winWidth - popupWidth -x;
        if (isChild(curr.root,'hoverMenu'))
  	        {curr.popup.style.right = x + "px";}
                curr.popup.style.left = popupLeft + "px";
	curr.popup.style.top = popupTop + "px";
	curr.popup.style.display = "block";
		anim.startAnimating(new Scroller(curr.popup,slowly));

window.isChild = function(e,parentId) {
        while (e != null) {
                var parent = document.getElementById(parentId);
                if (parent == e) return true;
                e = e.parentNode;
        return false;
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/145182/how_do_i_look_honey.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/145182/how_do_i_look_honey/">How Do I Look, Honey? - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>

How do I look, honey? What is this, some kind of trick question? Nobody told me there was going to be a test.
Three contractors are bidding to resurface the Congressional Parking Lot -- one from Florida, another from Tennessee and the third, New Jersey. They go with a House official to examine the parking lot.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to do the work."

"Done!" replies the House official...
You get on with your partner. There is anxious anticipation as you start. You start slowly, climbing your way to the top.

There are smiles exchanged, and giggles, maybe even caressing or hand holding. The excitement builds and builds. It nears the top. The expressions on faces become wondrous and excited.

Then as it hits the pinnacle, things move very fast. There's a quick motion, the heart races with complete excitement; faces are all in total pleasure. Arms are flailing, heads are bouncing, and there is some noticeable screaming going on.

The rest of the ride is up and down, twisting and turning, lots of bumping, sometimes in the light, sometimes in the dark. Sometimes there's a surprise, and sometimes it becomes all too familiar but always, always at the end, there's a big smile on the face. Hair is all messed up, and everyone is talking about how great it is, and some of them say, "I wanna go again!"
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=no|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/548735/how_to_apply_massage_oil.swf" width="800" height="675" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/548735/how_to_apply_massage_oil/">How To Apply Massage Oil</a></font></html>
!How To Apply Massage Oil
Kate applies massage oil to her sexy body, but I understand that she is seeking help with rubbing down her backside.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/392701/how_to_fold_your_bra_by_popular_demand.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/392701/how_to_fold_your_bra_by_popular_demand/">How To Fold Your BRA - By Popular Demand - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>

Ask you you shall be told.
Also here is a little something to help you [[get that bra off|How to remove a bra]]
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/398623/how_to_fold_panties_final_episode.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/398623/how_to_fold_panties_final_episode/">How To Fold Panties - Final Episode! - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>

I was always wondering who they do that.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/392722/how_to_give_yourself_a_pedicure_with_sexy_feet_demonstrating.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/392722/how_to_give_yourself_a_pedicure_with_sexy_feet_demonstrating/">How To Give Yourself A Pedicure With SEXY Feet Demonstrating   - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>

My lady often has to spread a towel so she doesn't get everything wet, but I don't think that is what she went.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/505975/how_to_not_expose_your_vagina.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/505975/how_to_not_expose_your_vagina/">How To Not Expose Your Vagina</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>The funniest movie is here. Find it</a></font></html>
!How To Not Expose Your Vagina
A very good clip especially for ladies (By which I mean Brittney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton). At long last a class that teaches them how to avoid exposing their private part while getting out of the car. Still will not stop them from exposing their vaginas as they leave the house, or while sunbathing, but it is a start.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/412867/how_to_shower_men_women.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/412867/how_to_shower_men_women/">How To Shower - Men & Women - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
!How To Shower - Men vs Women
I think someone was following me and my lover around. That's a lot like the way we do it as well.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/388085/walking_upstairs_in_high_heels.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/388085/walking_upstairs_in_high_heels/">Walking Upstairs In High Heels - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>

I'll have to watch this a lot of times before I can try it myself. I mean I would want to mess up or anything.
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I  tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.   The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. 

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" 

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep". 

"Now give me back my dog."
<html><div><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embed/C9D20BDCD79B40D9B5CA702A4004E04C" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="369" wmode="transparent"></embed><br/><a href="http://www.livevideo.com/video/embedLink/C9D20BDCD79B40D9B5CA702A4004E04C/74179/now-cliff-wants-a-threesome-02-16-07.aspx">Now Cliff wants a Threesome - 02/16/07</a></div></html>
!How not to have a threesome
Now that Cliff has sobered up he'd like to continue the threesome they were all ready for last night. Only problem is that Cliff is clueless. 
See [[the night before here|http://www.livevideo.com/video/27BC63B4AAF04B3AA39CEC5B8440A049/vannuys-menage-a-trois-02-15-07.aspx?lastvcid=72658]]
<html><embed flashVars="playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/388075/how_to_fold_a_t_shirt_in_seconds_sexy_model_takes_hers_off_to.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/388075/how_to_fold_a_t_shirt_in_seconds_sexy_model_takes_hers_off_to/">How To Fold A T-shirt In Seconds - Sexy Model Takes Hers Off To  - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
!How to Fold A Shirt
I normally don't fold clothes I just took off, but I could watch her take her shirt off all day long. Makes me wonder how she folds her [[bra...|How To Fold A Bra]] (She answered my question) 
<html><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://embed.break.com/MjAwODcw"></param><embed src="http://embed.break.com/MjAwODcw" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="350" ></embed></object></html>
Start by taking your current lover to Glamor Shots.
Once you break up, scan the pictures into your computer.
Now, by following these easy steps you too can make bad pictures of your exs doing stuff you only wish they had done.
<html><div><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embed/E8315C6370BB4ABAB944B98E9C51CBAA" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="369" wmode="transparent"></embed><br/><a href="http://www.livevideo.com/video/embedLink/E8315C6370BB4ABAB944B98E9C51CBAA/135536/how-to-buy-lingerie.aspx">How to buy Lingerie</a></div></html>
!How to buy Lingerie 
Watch as a lovely lady helps a confused young man shop for lingerie by modeling it for him. I guess he liked what he saw as he bought it.
The Body Shot is performed as follows:
*Rub lime on partner’s body. What ever part they are willing to let you use.
*Pour salt over the same spot.
*Place lime between partner’s lips.^^*^^
*Drink ½ shot.
*Lick the salt up.
*Take other ½ shot.
*Remove lime from between partner's lips with your own lips.
^^*^^Lime juice can be a bit to much for some body parts. This can lead to the end of what could have been a great night. Use lime responsibly.
The following picture is of a variant, and not a bad one I might add.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/535138/legal_sex.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/535138/legal_sex/">Legal Sex</a></font></html>
!How to have safe sex
This is not quite what I was expecting.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/571553/how_to_pick_up_women.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/571553/how_to_pick_up_women/">HOW TO PICK-UP WOMEN</a></font></html>
!How to pick-up women
Watch this video and learn how you can make a women so distracted she will not know what she is doing. Very, very funny.
<html><embed flashVars="playerVars=videoTitle=Bra Removal|showStats=yes|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/302053/bra_removal.swf" width="400" height="345" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/302053/bra_removal/">Bra Removal - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>

Damn! Where was this when I was 12?
And here is something to show you [[what to do once it is off|How To Fold A Bra]]
Instructions I had to give a young girl recently:         
#Put the hard thing in your mouth        
#Suck on it until...         
#You get liquid in your mouth
#Repeat until you can't get any more liquid out         

Now she knows how to use a straw.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/395292/take_infrared_pictures_with_your_digital_camera.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/395292/take_infrared_pictures_with_your_digital_camera/">Take Infrared Pictures With Your Digital Camera - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>

Remember DO NOT take pictures of people wearing clothes with this. It would let you see through some of them, and we wouldn't want that now would we?
But what happens when I take pictures of naked people with it?
<html><div><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embed/8F01B4A8FDE44A92BBA7131824067BFE" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="369" wmode="transparent"></embed><br/><a href="http://www.livevideo.com/video/embedLink/8F01B4A8FDE44A92BBA7131824067BFE/11562/how-to-tell-your-parent-what-you-r-gay.aspx">HOW TO TELL YOUR PARENT WHAT YOU'R GAY</a></div></html>
!How to tell your parents that you are gay
Lets see; Hangs out with hot guys. Loves show tunes. Room covered with pictures of men. You know, I think he might be a homosexual.
You know you want to put it on the back of your car.
I think it speaks for it's self. 
<html><a href="http://www.hrcsnapshot.org/"><img src="http://www.hrcsnapshot.org/images/hrc_logo.gif" alt="Human Rights Campaign - Coming Out Project" border="0"></a></html>I am not a lesbian! Just because I don't want to lick your dick doesn't make me a lesbian. Nor does my love of eating pussy.
If I sleep with 1000 women, but never get the slightest bit turned on by a man, that does not make me a lesbian.
The fact that no man has ever interested me enough that I failed to notice the next woman that came into sight doesn't make me a lesbian.
Even the fact that women's breast have been known to make me walk into walls doesn't make me a lesbian.
Even that the right woman wispering sweet nothings in my ear can turn me into a quivering pile of mush does not indicate that I am a lesbian.
I am damn fucking proud of my sexual orientation and will never claim to be any other. No, not even for a chance to fuck Angelina Jolie while Brad watches and runs the video camera. 

[[I think you should feel the same way.|http://www.hrcsnapshot.org/]]

I came home and found you in bed with a stranger, your bodies heaving and your hair damp with sweat. I could hear you gasping and moaning as you came and came again.

I watched for seconds that felt like hours and had to stop myself as I was overcome with emotion. You looked so beautiful.

You slowly came back to this world, your eyes opened and you looked over that other body and took in the situation. Slowly you raised your hand towards me, "Lover, I want you to meet the girl I dated in college".

I knew it was going to be a great night.
[>img[Art Deco era statue alongside street, Miami Beach, Florida|http://haulover.org/images/blithe.jpg]] 
During a recent online discussion with someone who runs a site that features nude pictures I was amused that they were very much against the idea of a under 18yo male being able to see the contents of their site. The reason I say this is that this same kid can walk into most any museum in the world and see pictures and statues of nude people, and that is OK. But if the kid sees them on the internet then folks call it porn and it is bad.

For example this statue in Miami, FL has been sitting next to the beach where anyone can see it since the 1930s.

Is this life size statue not a more graphic of an example of a nude female then a picture on the internet? Do they have this area marked "Adults Only"? Of course not, for this is art. If a kid is staring at it then he is just studying art. But let the same kid be caught checking out a Playboy, and it is all over.

I don't understand society.

By the way, did you notice that God had no problems with Adam and Eve walking around nude? (Genesis 2:25 & 3:11)  But suggest that we let folks walk around nude to a Christian and they get all up in arms.

Following the lead of all those famous people who thank God for things that they do (Like win an Oscar or a football game), I'd like to thank God for that the great round of sex I had last night.

Not often I get to spend that much time fucking. And I know that with out him there giving me that support I would have never made it past the second orgasm.
I think it speaks for itself.
[img[Pleasure Lance|http://almostporn.net/images/silly/lance.jpg]]

This started because of a meme that was to tell me which Ren Faire character I was best suited to potray. I don't think they got it quite right, but I had fun coming up with a picture that I felt fit me better.
!If condoms had sponsors...
then the outside would look like this, but the condom would make your dick look like you were racing in NASCAR. I can see the Viagra condom coming down the turnpike already. And remember, rubbing is racing. 
Wonder if I could get sponsorship money for featuring them in an 'adult' movie?
Information about this site.
|Author|Eric Shulman|
|Description|Insert Javascript executable code directly into your tiddler content.|
''Call directly into TW core utility routines, define new functions, calculate values, add dynamically-generated TiddlyWiki-formatted output'' into tiddler content, or perform any other programmatic actions each time the tiddler is rendered.
>see [[InlineJavascriptPluginInfo]]
2010.12.15 1.9.6 allow (but ignore) type="..." syntax
|please see [[InlineJavascriptPluginInfo]] for additional revision details|
2005.11.08 1.0.0 initial release
version.extensions.InlineJavascriptPlugin= {major: 1, minor: 9, revision: 6, date: new Date(2010,12,15)};

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The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful insurance firm. So, a volunteer visited the CEO in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that, even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through our organization?"

The CEO thought for a minute and said, "First, did your research also show you that my youngest sister has a rare and fatal blood disorder, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbled, "Uh -- no, I didn't know that."

"Second," continued the CEO, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken charity rep began to stammer an apology, but was interrupted again. "Third, did your research also show you that my elder sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another with learning disabilities requiring an army of private tutors?"

The humiliated charity rep, completely beaten, said, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the CEO finished, "So. Since I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
''International Mutual Simultaneous Oral Sex Day'' is celebrated through out the world on June 9. The main purpose of the day is to help enable people to enjoy each others company a little more.

This event is celebrated by groups consisting two people engaging in oral sex upon each other simultaneously. Some people take part in many groups over the course of the day, while others stay in the same group all day long, celebrating the event over and over again.

International Mutual Simultaneous Oral Sex Day was first conceived of by Pan_theFrog in June 2005 as a supplement to [[Valentines Day|http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine%27s_Day]] and [[Steak & BJ Day|http://www.answers.com/topic/steak-and-blowjob-day]]. It was seen as a day that could be truly enjoy reguardless of sexual orientation or gender. The first celebration was a small affair, enjoyed by only a couple of thousand participants worldwide. Many people came  even though they were not aware of what they were celebrating.

<<reminder date:9 month:6 title:"International Mutual Oral Sex Day">>
<html><img src="http://www.almostporn.net/images/imosd.gif" width=392 height=72 alt="International Mutual Simultaneous Oral Sex Day"></html>

Only <<reminder month:3 date:3 title:"till International Threesome Observance Day">>
This holiday was actually started on March 3, 2003 (03/03/03) to commemorate all the people who have convinced their lover to have a third person join-in. [[They even have book!|http://www.threesomebook.com/]]

If it falls on a Friday, you should make it into a three-day weekend.

Also check out [[International Mutual Simultaneous Oral Sex Day]] which is celebrated on June 9.
Cindy and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they hadn't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Cindy said, "It's okay. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"

Sally replied, "It's just great, ever since we got into S & M."

Cindy is aghast. "Really Sally! I never would have guessed that you would go for that sort of thing."

"Oh, sure," says Sally. "He snores while I masturbate."
Last night I spent with a group of my friends (4 women & 3 guy). The women took turns being the center of attention. While everyone was naked there was no penetration, and no one did more then a lite grazing touch in passing of anyone's genitalia. All the women had orgasms, several had multiple.

My question is 'Does this count as sex'?

Answer I came up with later: [[Outercourse]]
Today I was getting coffee and one of my coworkers was complaining to another woman that she thinks her husband is cheating on her and that they seem to have lost that whole being in love feeling. She then looked at me and said "Not like you and your girlfriend". 

See, I have been with my SO (Significant Other) for almost 10 years. When people first meet us they think we just started dating as we have NRE (New Relationship Energy). We are always walking along, holding hands, kissing, and touching each other, plus they tell me I smile when she walks in the room. I think it is very obvious that we enjoy each other's company.

Now here is one thing that sets us off from other couples: We are [[Polyamorous|What is Polyamory?]]. In the 10 years we have been together I have flirted constantly with other women, and even been intimate with 15-20 women. Several of them I still consider girlfriends (How many people do you date for more then 6 months?). The important part is that my SO has known about, and approved, every single one of them before the fact. She has had several boyfriends/friends with benefits during our time together as well, and I have know of all of them. Heck, we have a third person in our relationship right now who lives with us. He also has a couple of people that he is dating with our approval.

I think that one of the things that has helped us keep NRE is that we are allowed to date others. It keeps us from wondering if the grass is greener over on the other side of the fence.
Recently about 500,000 people in my area were without electric for up to a week due to bad weather. For many of them this is the second time in 6 months.

The following was inspired by one of my co-workers who attributes every good thing in her life to God (If it is bad she blames the Democrats).
>If you are the type that thanks God for everything in your life, then the reason you are without electric is that this is all part of God's plan for you. God controls the weather, and knows when each sparrow falls, so he obviously knew that this little power outage was going to effect you. So quite calling Ameren and bitching. If you must bitch to someone, get on your knees. Stay there until He delivers instructions on what you should do.
>(PS. If you tell me that Satan did it, then you are telling me that Satan is stronger then God. Wow! Is God going to be pissed at you.)
>If you are not the type that thanks God for everything: I am sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?

This billboard is sure to get some looks.
Many of the nursery rhymes we learned as children have adult origins, making fun of some public figure or discussing the latest scandal. Many of these have lost their shock or joke factor, as few know whom or what they refer to.

In an effort to keep this tradition alive I have attempted to modernize at least one of these. So now I bring you a modern day version of:
!Jack and Jill
Jack asked Jill
was she on the pill
for he wanted no son or daughter.
His tongue went to town
'fore jimmy cap rolled down
and Jill glowed for a long while after.
<html><embed flashVars="playerVars=autoPlay=no" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/2297124/webcam_striptease_jaime_hammer_hot_girl.swf" width="600" height="338" wmode="transparent" allowFullScreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" name="Metacafe_2297124" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><div style="font-size:12px;"><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/2297124/webcam_striptease_jaime_hammer_hot_girl/">Webcam Striptease Jaime Hammer Hot Girl</a> - <a href="http://www.metacafe.com/">The most amazing home videos are here</a></div></html>
!Jamie Hammer in Webcam Video 1
A hot girl stripping. It is the reason we love the internet.
Doesn't Jane have just the cutest little pussy? Every time I see it I just want to give it a kiss.
<html><div><object width="800" height="600"><param name="movie" value="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/xqf00&related=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/xqf00&related=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="800" height="600" allowFullScreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always"></embed></object><br /><b><a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xqf00_jen-hilton-p2-black-nightie_fun">Jen Hilton p2 Black Nightie</a></b><br /><i>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/JenH">JenH</a></i></div></html>
!Jen Hilton in a Black Nightie pt2
A pretty girl in not a lot of clothes. I am good with that!

<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/567657/jennifer_walcott.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/567657/jennifer_walcott/">Jennifer Walcott</a></font></html>
!Jennifer Walcott video collection
There’s one thing Humanity really needs - more videos like this one. Actually better then a video would to be have a person posing like this on every street corner in the world, 24/7. Help get the world use to the idea that a nude body is a good thing.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/536650/jessica_delfino_clits_of_my_tits.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/536650/jessica_delfino_clits_of_my_tits/">Jessica Delfino: Clits Of My Tits</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Awesome video clips here</a></font></html>
!Jessica Delfino - Clits Of My Tits
Jessica Delfino's nipples are the clits of her tits, and she sings about them.
At last you can be sexy and still let everyone know that you are a good Christen girl.
One look at your Jesus Fish and any man will know that this pussy is saved for Jesus. 
Exclusively available only from AlmostPorn.net

[img[images/Jesus-Thong-1.jpg]] [img[images/Jesus-Thong-2.jpg]] [img[images/Jesus-Thong-3.jpg]] [img[images/Jesus-Thong-4.jpg]] 

But I am not so sure that letting the world know that there is something fishy in your pants in the best idea in the world.
Funny stories and such.

<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/567474/boob_academy_all_girls_school.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/567474/boob_academy_all_girls_school/">Boob Academy/ All Girls School</a></font></html>
Juggie Academy - All Girls School
Where can I get a pin that says, "I support dumbass girls with nice racks"? Because I'll wear it.
A guy walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi just as it's passing by. He hops into the taxi, and the cabby says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabby: "Frank. Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right, all the time. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank each and every single time."

Passenger: "Yeah, but there are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabby: "Not over Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was just one amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabby: "Oh, there's more. He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabby: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake. Never."

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabby: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, his shoes highly polished -- like mirrors, they were. Frank was the Perfect Man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabby: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabby: "I married his fucking widow."
!Just turned 18
18 candles and a special wish. She wants to unwrap her present and then let you unwrap her.
[<img[http://almostporn.net/just_laura.gif][Just_Laura]] Just_Laura is a nice sweet innocent girl with big tits I met one night up in Urbana, IL where she is attending collage. She was nice enough to pose for a couple of pictures. 
She has a blog over at: http://just-laura.livejournal.com/ where she is active on several different communities like "My Bitchy Pony", "~Big_Breasts", "submissiveblog". Her interest include good sex, swallowing, my little pony, pretty girls, swallowing and voyeurism. 
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!Keely Hazell
One of the top ten sexiest models currently working.
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!Keeping It Real Goes Wrong
Watch as Brenda 'Keeps it real' and goes from eating popcorn in her own home, to eating a tossed salad in a prison slammer.
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!Kermit the Frog - Hurt (NIN cover)
Kermit has been through so much; the drama of Ms Piggy, forced to live a life always in the public eye, knowing that the smallest slip that shows the sorrow in his soul might end his career, fear that some one might catch him and Elmo doing hits backstage. This is why he can reach down into the darkness that is his existence to pull off great performances like this.

More here: http://www.sadkermit.com
!Kids ask the cutest things
Mommy, why do 80% of Fox 'news' watchers think that Iraq had anything to do with September 11?
Because they are fucking stupid, honey.
KittyKeith is an honorary member. We made her one because we liked how she looked as Jessica Rabbit, plus how she handled herself (No, not in that way, you dirty minded person).
[img[Shannon Keith|images/members/KittyKeith.jpg]] We'll see how she behaves in the future to decide if we want to make her a full member.
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!Kobi Tia - Packing it in tight
Kobi Tia is going to demonstrate how to get big things into tight little spaces.
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!Kyra Gets Down With Her Bad Self
Kyra doing her best to prove she is a zoo animal.
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I listed this as [[Education]] as I like how it gives a rough idea of what it takes to be a professional photographer.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/284426/lady_in_green_shows_it_at_the_green.swf" width="800" height="674" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/284426/lady_in_green_shows_it_at_the_green/">Lady In Green Shows It At The Green</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Watch the top videos of the week here</a></font></html>
!Lady In Green Shows It At The Green
If this is what they showed on the golf channel, I'd understand why men watch it. 
Today I want to teach you to understand one of the most misunderstood things in the English language, and most likely you can blame your parents for your ignorance.

When should you say "Shithead and I" and when should you say "me and Crapbrains"? Don't know do you?

It is actually very simple. Any time you would say "I" if it was only you then you would say "Shithead and I". If you would say "me" then you should be saying "me and Crapbrains".
Joe and I went to a party the other day and met up with this hot chick named Katrina who lived in the apartment upstairs. She invited Joe and me up to her place.

Joe and I really enjoyed the view as she walked up the stairs with her mini-skirt pulled up. At the landing she bent over till her head was touching the floor, pulled off her thong, put one leg up on top the rail and then threw the thong back between her legs at Joe and me.

Soon as she walked in the door she yelled "Tonya, we have guest!". Joe and I started drooling when her sexy roommate walked in to the living room wearing nothing but a strap-on and then proceeded to grab Katrina by the hair, bend her over the couch and give her a good fucking. Afterwards she asked Joe and me if we wanted to lick off the 10" tool that she had just fucked Katrina's cunt with. Joe and I eagerly accepted.

Later Joe and I were amazed to see Katrina get a whole 18" kielbasa into her mouth. Seeing our appreciation of her talent she asked Joe and me if we wanted to be next.

That chick made Joe and me get her off twice with our tongues before she would let us cum in her mouth. She couldn't handle all of it and some dripped off her chin and on to her breast but Tonya was right there eagerly licking it off of her.

Joe and I fucked every orifice those women had and then came back for seconds. Afterwards they let Joe and me take pictures as they licked all the cum out of each other. It took a long time as Joe and I had worn condoms for everything but their mouths but they kept licking just to make sure they had got it all.

I want to come back tomorrow. Who gives a fuck about what Joe wants to do. 
!WARNING! @@color(#900):This page is rated Mature.@@ 
If you are ''under the age of 18'' then I have to ask you to go away. ''This page is rated Mature.'' Not that I really have anything in here that is more naughty then listening to the Howard Stern Show, watching South Park, or passing off Disney movies as being historically accurate.[>img[images/MatureRating.jpg]]
''Question to ask yourself:'' When a TV program is rated "Adult", why is the plot normally something your average 10 year old could have written? Of course a lot of the stuff coming out of Hollywood could have been written by a 10 year old, but only if they saw the original in re-runs. 
Anyway, before I can let you go any further I have to ask if you are of legal age to view and participate in mature materials (I'd ask if you were mentally mature enough, but then 75% of the planet couldn't get in). 
If the answer is no, then may I suggest that you go elsewhere? Two suggestions are offered below. 
[[Somewhere educational|http://www.scarleteen.com/]]  or  [[Somewhere that will make you feel naughty|http://www.cbn.com]] 
There, I fulfilled my legal obligation.
Now shut up all you whiners.
A 20-something couple having fun and sharing what they know. And themselves.

Did I mention they really seem to like anal?
What's on the menu? Do they have take out? Is this place in Nevada? Do they have free ~WiFi? Will they accept ~WoW gold?
I wonder if [[she is here|Something good to eat]]?
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Because sometimes you just feel like this.
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!Lingerie Show
About fricken time they used some models that don't look like they need someone to force feed them a sandwich. 
Just a listing of things I think one should go and check out.
| !Site | !URL | !Description |
|Live Plasma |http://www.liveplasma.com/ |Learn about new music and movies in a visual format. It is like.. Wow! |
|Book Slut |http://www.bookslut.com/ |A nice place to learn about books and authors |

The ones below are things I wrote about and included a link.
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Ralphy says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Ralphy replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

Little Ralphy returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies Ralphy.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

Little Ralphy goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Ralphy says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Ralphy, that's a mouthful."
Little Ralphy says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Little Ralphy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one , a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Ralphy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Ralphy answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.

!I LOVE Little Ralphy , don't you?
!Lord of the Rings WOW style
I think I've run with this group. Bunch of fricken noobs.
<html><div><object width="425" height="335"><param name="movie" value="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/1zPhtmdnFhhgZ5TBq"></param><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/1zPhtmdnFhhgZ5TBq" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="334" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object><br /><b><a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xu4ec_pub-hamster-mercedes-excellent">pub hamster mercedes Excellent !!!</a></b><br /><i>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/jo_lafouine">jo_lafouine</a></i></div></html>

That is not the hamster I have in my car.
So your looking for something to make your lover stop complaining about tasting your love juice? 
First, refrain from eating strong foods and vitamins (multivitamins, curries, garlic, asparagus, broccoli, and cut back on the red meats)
Second, drink the following at least 3 days in a row before your next encounter.
!!!Love Juice Smoothie
|! | !Amount | !Carbohydrates Grams | !Fat Grams | !Calories |
|Honey  | 2 tablespoons | 32 | 0 | 60 |
|Vanilla Extract | 1/2 teaspoon | .15 | 0 | 5 |
|Banana | 1 medium | 26.7 | .6 | 105 |
|Pineapple | 1 cup diced | 19.2 | .6 | 78 |
|Ginger, fresh | 1/2 teaspoon | .7 | .05 | 3 |
|Mango | 1 cup diced  | 28 | .4 | 108 |
|Cucumber | 1 medium to large | 8.8 | .4 | 39 |
|!Totals |!| !115.55 | !2.05 | !398 |
Blend all ingredients in a blender until smooth and then drink immediately. 
Another variation is to cut all the fruits and vegetables into cubes and then drip the honey over the top and eat like a fruit salad. Leave the vanilla extract out. Maybe use it to make [[Exotic Dancer Perfume]].
Repeat daily for best results. 
//not recommended for diabetics//
And ladies, this will work you you as well.

Make it a part of your balanced breakfast and maybe your lover will start to eat better as well.
!Love Land Park in South Korea
This is a a theme park in South Korea, very popular for tourists and honeymooners. They have a hotel on site and they serve aphrodisiac dinners. 
[img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexpark1.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexpark2.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexpark3.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexpark4.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexpark5.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexpark6.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexpark7.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexpark8.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexpark9.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexpark10.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexpark11.jpg]]
07 July 2006
Annalee Newitz
Magazine issue 2559

Who says monogamy is the only way to go? New Scientist visits a group of people with a very different take on relationships 

"I was dating Gordon when I met Heather and Jim. Then I started dating Jim too, and Heather started dating Gordon right before he and I broke up," says Noemi. Confused? Tonight I'm having dinner with a group whose unusual lifestyle warrants such introductions. They are a "polyamorous" family - one whose members are openly committed to several lovers at the same time.

Their household, in a quiet neighborhood on the outskirts of San Francisco, looks like any other. A little boy in pajamas answers the door when I knock, smiling around a large strawberry stuck in his mouth. His mother Heather, an artist with oval glasses and pink hair, is cooking in the kitchen with her boyfriend Gordon, a computer-network engineer with an understated manner. The dining room is pleasant, airy and smells of roasting chicken. Heather's husband Jim, along with house mates Noemi and Alicia, are bustling about the table, opening wine, putting out place settings and making sure Heather and Jim's son (the strawberry eater) brushes his teeth before going to bed. Noemi, a park ranger who is pregnant with Jim's second child, offers me some bread and cheese.

The group's network of relationships is fairly typical in polyamorous circles, where it's not unusual to hear somebody introduce a "husband's girlfriend" or "my wife and her boyfriends". Noemi does her best to explain the history of the family, but it sounds like a logic puzzle. "If you really want to understand all of our relationships, it might be easier if we drew you a chart," says Heather (see Diagram). "I'm not dating any of them," says Alicia, a librarian. "My boyfriend is poly, so I guess I'm poly by association."

"I feel like I'm monogamous because I've been sleeping with only one person for about five years," says Noemi. Everybody starts laughing, and finally she admits, "OK, well I did sleep with some other people too."

It is hard to estimate how many polyamorists exist - there is no box for them on any national census - but the number of online resources, articles and books on the topic has exploded since the early 1990s, when the term polyamory ("poly" for short) was coined in internet newsgroups. The Ethical Slut, a 1997 book by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt that some call the "bible of poly", has sold more than 50,000 copies and is about to go into its second edition. Recently the concept of multiple lovers has become the subject of public debate in the US, where conflicts over gay marriage have led some conservatives to claim that homosexual weddings will lead to marriages of more than two people: if you can have two mothers, they say, why not two mothers and a father?

For psychologists and evolutionary biologists, polyamory is a rare opportunity to see, out in the open, what happens when people stop suppressing their desire for multiple partners and embrace non-monogamy. Proponents say the poly brand of open but committed relationships may be a way around infidelity because it turns an age-old problem into a solution: polyamorists are released from the burdens of traditional marriage vows, yet they seem to keep their long-term relationships intact. What makes poly enticing is the possibility of reconciling long-term stability and romantic variety.

!!No swinging, please
And why shouldn't we consider it? When most people think of non-exclusive marriages, they think of polygamy, an ancient but still widespread practice that involves one person, usually male, acquiring multiple spouses in a harem-like arrangement. Or swinging, in which couples have casual flings on the side. Polyamory is different. It encompasses a dizzying variety of arrangements - anything from couples with long-term lovers on the side to larger groups with overlapping relationships. If anything characterizes poly, says Elaine Cook, a psychiatrist who has a private practice in Marin county, California, it is a lack of rigid structure.

What evidence there is shows that poly couples stay together as long as monogamous ones - and, apparently, for good reasons. In a study published last December in the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality (vol 8), Cook analyzed the relationships of seven couples who had been married for more than 10 years, and who had had additional partners for at least seven of those years. She found that most of the couples reported "love" or "connection" as important reasons for staying together. This contrasts with monogamous couples, Cook notes, who often list external factors such as religion or family as major reasons for remaining committed.

That is telling. Cook speculates that polyamorists perceive themselves as having more choices, and therefore they only stay in marriages and relationships that make them happy. "They have other relationships that they are perhaps equally excited about being in, but they want to maintain this [marriage] relationship because it continues to satisfy them," she says.

For some, poly may be more realistic than monogamy. Having multiple partners frees people from the process of trying to find "the one" who is perfect for them in every way. In April, psychologist Rachel Robbins at the Mission Mental Health clinic in San Francisco conducted a survey of 250 polyamorous women. The number 1 reason they gave for being poly was "to experience different activities and explore different parts of themselves with different people". Instead of asking one person to meet all their needs, polyamorists are content with several people who each meet a few.

Noemi's house mates would drink to that. "I have a lot of interests and passions in my life, and I can't fulfill them all in my relationship," says Alicia. "It was good to have my partner go off and date other people, because then I could pursue my outside interests too - and I didn't feel scrutinized for wanting to do that." Noemi agrees: "It makes me sad that so many people isolate themselves," she says. "It's good to have multiple people who love you, and it's good to have freedom and downtime too."

All well and good, but what about the demands of juggling so many commitments at once? Surely it saps their time and energy. In a break during dinner, I ask how the family manages multiple relationships, particularly as most of them live under the same roof.

"We all have our own bedrooms, which is key," Noemi says. "And our bedrooms aren't next to each other, so we have privacy," says Heather. "Also, we have a nominal schedule where Jim sleeps with Noemi and me on an every-other-night basis, and I'm with Gordon on the weekends."

"My nights without Jim are great," Noemi says with a laugh. "I get to hog the covers, and nobody snores."

Critics call poly self-indulgent and morally reprehensible. Yet it is hardly a sexual free-for-all. The freedom has limits - and managing emotions like jealousy becomes a central issue. "These are designer relationships," Cook says. "Every group decides for itself what's open and what isn't."

Take Emma and Nate, a young married couple living in California's Silicon Valley who describe themselves as "stable and well-settled". They met in college 11 years ago and have always had a polyamorous relationship. Emma has had a boyfriend for the past seven years, while Nate prefers to have short-term romances with friends. Some aspects of their relationship, however, are not open. "We don't do sleepovers with other people," Emma says.

"I like waking up next to her in the morning," Nate says. "The only exception is if I'm out of town, in which case I don't mind if she's having a sleepover." Another rule they have established is letting each other know in advance about dates with other people. "If either of us gets serious about someone else, we bring them home to meet the spouse," says Nate. "In fact, that's what we're doing tomorrow - we're having lunch with my new girlfriend and her husband."

!!Your cheating heart
Polyamorists come to it at different points in their lives and for different reasons. Emma says she had open relationships in high school, and many people I spoke with described discovering poly in their late teens or early twenties. Most, like Jim, tried monogamy. "My first marriage was supposed to be monogamous, and I was," he recalls. "But she slept around in a cheating way. That killed the relationship."

So is poly more sustainable than monogamy? "Infidelity in monogamous relationships is estimated at 60 to 70 per cent, so it seems that attraction to more than one person is normal. The question is how we deal with that," says Meg Barker, a professor of psychology at London South Bank University who presented her research into poly at the 2005 meeting of The British Psychological Society. "The evidence is overwhelming that monogamy isn't natural," says evolutionary biologist David Barash of the University of Washington, Seattle. "Lots of people believe that once they find 'the one', they'll never want anyone else. Then they're blindsided by their own
inclinations to desire other attractive individuals. So it's useful to know that this behavior is natural."

But as a mating strategy, poly may not be any better than monogamy; a person's reproductive success may diminish if there is less pressure to be exclusive. "Jealousy is probably fitness enhancing," Barash says. A more jealous male is likely to stick closer to his mate and prevent her from getting impregnated by other males. "A good look at human biology does not support polyamory any more than it supports monogamy," he says. Biologist Joan Roughgarden, at Stanford University in Palo Alto, California, goes further. "Polyamory won't last. The likelihood of being able to successfully raise children in that context is very limited. My guess is that it's not an
evolutionary advance, but a liability."

"You can't optimize one kind of relationship to fit everyone. People can make sense of their worlds in many ways if monogamy is not the default?

To others, however, biology is not the point. "In middle-class urban cultures, people aren't marrying for survival any more," says psychologist Dossie Easton, co-author of The Ethical Slut. "They can get divorced, and the kids won't starve. This means we're having marriages and relationships for very different reasons than our ancestors did. We're doing it for emotional gratification." Easton sees poly as a break from the "survival strategy" traditions that created both polygamy and monogamy. "Polyamory is a cultural outgrowth of serial monogamy, or having multiple partners without necessity," she says. "Once you're released from necessity, you can start
doing all kinds of original thinking."

Barker concurs. "It's assumed that jealousy is a natural response," she says, "but some polyamorous people say they hardly feel it at all. I think this gives us insight into how people can make sense of their worlds in many ways if monogamy isn't the default." She has found that when people leave traditional monogamy behind, they often rethink "givens" such as how to divide up the housework, money and childcare. Children of poly couples, for instance, tend to be raised by a small community instead of two parents.

Back in San Francisco, Heather's family is clearing the table. As she replaces our plates with bowls of fruit compote, she says poly is a way of keeping her long-term partnerships alive. "When you think about it, what happened is that Jim and I didn't get divorced when we got new partners. We're still together and yet have more love from other people."

"Polyamory is not for everybody," says Jim. "But it creates a range of options, which is important because you can't optimise one kind of relationship to fit everyone."

"The important thing is that we trust each other," says Noemi, rubbing her pregnant belly with a smile. Although poly is still well out of the mainstream, it has become an attractive alternative to monogamy for some. Whether it is good for society remains an open question. For now, there's a more pressing issue - is it good for you?

!!Poly primer
In a study of polyamorous communities online, psychologist Meg Barker found that they had invented new terms to describe the emotions and logistics of non-monogamy.

''Ethical slut'' - someone who sleeps with several people but is honest and open about it; the foundation of polyamory

''Frubbly'' - the opposite of romantic jealousy; the happiness a person feels when his or her partner is happy with another partner (known as compersion in the US)

''Metamour'' - a poly partner's other lover

''NRE'' - new relationship energy, the zingy feeling of euphoria when you fall in love with a new person

''Primary'' - a polyamorist's main partner. Other less intimate partners may be termed secondary or tertiary. Those who have several equally intimate relationships say they engage in non-hierarchical polyamory 

Love, actually

Dossie Easton is a psychotherapist and, along with Catherine Liszt, wrote The Ethical Slut in 1997. The book discusses polyamory - being openly committed to more than one sexual relationship at a time. Here she describes what polyamory means to her.

!!What is polyamory, and where did it come from?
The idea has been around for a while. I decided to be non-monogamous in 1969. Back then people called it free love, open relationships or even transmarital sex. The word polyamory was invented by psychologist Deborah Anapol to refer to group marriage. Now it means people who have a variety of different kinds of relationships. It is everyone who is living outside the notion that you can only have one true love.

!!Why choose this lifestyle?
There is a whole range of reasons, but the highest is finding community. Poly community becomes an extended family that shares intimacy, sex, housing and child-rearing. I see non-monogamy as creating places where people can nurture relationships because they don't have to leave home, children or partner to explore themselves. They don't have to tear up their world every time they try something new.

!!How come everyone isn't poly?
We have huge social strictures against unbridled sexuality, so non-monogamy is threatening and frightening. In my practice, I see a lot of people who feel strongly drawn to poly, but they think something is wrong with them that they're commitment-phobic or have problems with intimacy. I think desire draws us along a path of self-discovery, and through that we find intimate connections with other people. 
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Walk around in that stupid ass suit. Rollin' in a chopped trailer with 22" rims. Gettin' some crack ho with no brains to bring in some money.
The sad part is that their are people that think this would be the dream life. 
[img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/lowriders1.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/lowriders2.jpg]]
!Lowrider pants to a new lower level
Can they really get much lower? I don't really know but I am willing to find out...
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/549881/lucy_becker_fhm.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/549881/lucy_becker_fhm/">Lucy Becker FHM</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>For more funny movies, click here</a></font></html>
!Lucy Becker's FHM Photoshoot
Lucy Becker's June 2005 calendar girl shoot for FHM.
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!Lucy Becker's Star Wars Photo Shoot
Lucy's photo shoot as Princess Leia and Margaret Thatcher for Maxim in 2004. Carrie Fischer has got nothing on this gal...other then Carrie's are real. Then again Lucy has got nothing on... except a smile.
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!MILF - Dirty Skanks
A little ditty from Australia's Dirty Skanks, entitled ''MILF''. It is a nice little song about something we all love.
Their debut album “Voluptuosity” is covered in chunky mud fuelled with hormones and alcohol, built from brutally thick funk rock riffs, and iced with a feel good pop rock energy! While listening to the album inspired by the old school Jayne Mansfield and Bridget Bardot built bodies, the tracks will remind you of how dirty Rock was intended to be.
Get more info over at http://www.myspace.com/dirtyskanks
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!MILF and the Milkman
Watch as the MILF lures the innocent milkman into her sinister web of seduction.
It's from Monty Python's Flying Circus "And Now For Something Completely Different" movie.
I’m a MILF-man and a MILF-man knows,
The finest sex comes from mature hos!
I hate when I have to use a word I don't like just to make the rhyme.
That is what MILF stands for.... ya right.
For more info see: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=milf
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Mama knows what she wants...A big hard throbbing machine vibrating between her legs all night long. 
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!Magda Gomez - Fashion TV Photo Shoot
Sexy Brazilian Magda Gomez posing for her 2006 'For Men' calendar. 
See the end result by clicking on the picture.
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Use this to impress your date, then have them help you sample it. Should make for an entertaining date.
*100cc of sweetened condensed milk 
*2.5 tablespoons of instant coffee
*200cc of wiskey
*150cc of hot water
Only one small change to the directions: Use the hot water to get all of the condensed milk out of the container.
In our ever on going quest to make things easier on you, the customer, we have decided to cut out some of the outdated and cumbersom steps in our ordering process. Below is a comparison of our new & old systems.

!Old Method:
   1. Customer places order
   2. We ship order to customer
   3. Customer is dissatisfide with product and returns it for thier money back
   4. We send customer a bill for Shipping & Handling 

!New Method (patent pending):
   1. We send customer a bill for Shipping & Handling

We strongly believe that not only will these changes make things eaisier on you, the customer, but also will allow us to cut down on overhead, driving our profits through the roof. And unlike other companies that have had a reduction in the amount of shipping that they do, we are not laying anyone off. We are transitioning all of our shipping staff into claims processors.
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!Manix Condoms
I'm not exactly sure how portraying their product as the thing that will ultimately destroy our planet is going to sell more condoms
Manuel Del Usario is one of the Del Usario Brothers out at [[The Greater St. Louis Renaissance Faire]]. Lots of folks know him as "the guy in tights". He does this silly little dance in front of the ''Gallerie de' Imagination''. 

His brothers are Finale, Amigo, and Jesus Cristi. They claim to be Basque and are quite silly.
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!Mar C Dance
Damn, I wonder if she can do that all night long? But then how many dollar bills would I have to spend for a lap dance that last that long?
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/422245/mardi_gras_babes.swf" width="800" height="640" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/422245/mardi_gras_babes/">Mardi Gras Babes</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>The funniest movie is here. Find it</a></font></html>
!Mardi Gras Babes
Mardi Gras babes just got to show what they have to offer. That's why I bought stock in a bead store. I even get a 50% discount!
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/468118/mardi_gras_extravaganza_fierita_funny_reporter_proper.swf" width="800" height="640" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/468118/mardi_gras_extravaganza_fierita_funny_reporter_proper/">Mardi Gras Extravaganza Fierita Funny Reporter PROPER</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>The best home videos are here</a></font></html>
!Mardi Gras Extravaganza
Fierita enters New Orleans French Quarter to celebrate sexy Mardi Gras, with a lot of boob flashing, booze and craziness going on, this is a perfect destination for the World's Funniest Reporter , Fierita.
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!Marina Sirtis - The Wicked Lady
I used to spend a lot of time picturing her topless while watching Star Trek...and now I can.
I've been waiting for this almost as long as I've been wating for a new Starcraft game to come out, and now I get them both in the same week!
Here is everything that you wanted to know about marketing:

You see a gorgeous girl at a party; you go up to her and say "I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Direct Marketing.

One of your friends goes up to her, points at you and says "He's fantastic in bed"
That's Advertising.

You go up to her and get her number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed"
That's Telemarketing.

You straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Public Relations.

She walks up to you and says "I hear you're fantastic in bed"
That's Brand Recognition.

If she laughs at you then you need better marketing.
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!Mason v Princess Superstar - Exceeder (Perfect)
From the dance label Ultra Records, which brings some of the greatest electronic DJ's, acts and producers in the world, they now bring you one of the most pulse-raising videos around. This video is sexy – plain and simple. You’ve got deliciously sultry girls in skin-tight work-out clothes and hot, shirtless guys, stretching, flexing, and performing quite scandalous ball and gymnastic routines. It’s sure to make you want to drop everything and head to the gym. Set in the background is the booty-shaking beat of Mason v Princess Superstar’s “Exceeder (Perfect).” Must we say more? Watch this video and get your blood boiling. Ultra Records' primary emphasis is electronic music, widely ranging from progressive trance to house to commercial cross-over to downtempo music. 
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After a hard day at work a woman wants nothing more then to go home and have someone hold her feet up. 
The other thing they like is to have someone massage her feet.
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Lets see; done naked, often two on one, lots of lube. What is there not to like about this?
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My experience is that they work best of both of you are naked.
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!Masturbation Gesture Failed
He shots. He scores. And a lot of women are going to really like this video.
<html><span><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embed/32D58D7913D5481ABF9B88A482A53F36" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="405" wmode="transparent"></embed><br/><a href="http://www.livevideo.com/video/embedLink/32D58D7913D5481ABF9B88A482A53F36/28782/horny-car-gear-.aspx">Horny Car GEAR!</a></span></html>
She was bound to get tired eventually, not to mention very disappointed. 
<html><div><object width="520" height="406"><param name="movie" value="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/1Ow9JfFyFxY2gbXLe"></param><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/1Ow9JfFyFxY2gbXLe" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="520" height="406" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object><br /><b><a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1p43o_mcdonalds-drive-thru-rap">McDonalds drive thru Rap</a></b><br /><i>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/damthebadluk2">damthebadluk2</a></i></div></html>
!McDonald's drive thru Rap
Can you picture everyone ordering like this? They'd never get it right. They mess up my order half the time I go to McDonald's and all I say is "I want a large #3 with Coke".
<html><div><object width="425" height="335"><param name="movie" value="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/5iML4H5PnLEhU5Ttb"></param><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/5iML4H5PnLEhU5Ttb" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="334" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object><br /><b><a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xu405_allerauboulotlelundi">aller_au_boulot_le_lundi</a></b><br /><i>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/mickeykiller77">mickeykiller77</a></i></div></html>
We've all heard about people having guts or balls.  But do you really know the difference between them?  In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
*''GUTS'' - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:  "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
*''BALLS'' - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.  Medically Speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Members of the super exclusive AlmostPorn club have open invitations to all video shoots and after parties.

They get to help shape AlmostPorn by contributing stories, media and articles.
They also gain access to the secret parts of AlmostPorn by visiting [[this page|members69.htm]].

Met a little blond 
with no panties on
She'd suck for days, and fuck for a week
Six men couldn't satisfy her at her peak
She'd swalow them down and be beggin' for more
And she did it all for free as she ain't no whore

She likes her men both black and white
and she likes a girl three times every night
'cause eatin' a muffin is her true delight
for it makes her into an erotic sight

!Michelle Trachtenberg - Why you can't always believe pictures
This is a perfect example of what can be done by someone with a little time and a bit of skill.
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!Microsoft Surface Parody
Some day your computer will be a big ass table....
Ok, so personally I want one of these big ass table computers, or at least the big touch screen. I think the actual computer part should be the size of a cell phone. I should be able to hook-up wirelessly to the table. If one person is using it then they get the whole surface, if two computers are hooked in then each gets half so they can transfer files from one to the other just by dragging it over, or they can combine to share the main surface. Picture video games where you get to bring your customized character to the local bar and match up against other players who brought their characters on their computer. 
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/180774/mikeys_computer.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/180774/mikeys_computer/">Mikey's Computer - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>

So sad. So true.
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!Milking it for all it is worth
This is a pretty funny video of a contestant with huge boobs being made fun of on the ''Friend or Foe'' game show. The host is pretty good looking herself, as well as witty.
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!Bonnie Delight at the Miss Exotic World Pageant
My friend Bonnie's performance at the Miss Exotic World pageant a couple of years ago! See and read more at http://bonniedelight.livejournal.com/ or view her videos at: http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=MissBonnieDelight
<html><embed flashVars="playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/388743/miss_colita_del_verano.swf" width="800" height="674" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/388743/miss_colita_del_verano/">Miss Colita Del Verano - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
!Miss Butt of the Summer
It must be a very tough job to be a judge on ''Miss Butt of the Summer'' contest, but I think I am up to the task.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=no|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/602767/winner_of_miss_poledance_australia_2006.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/602767/winner_of_miss_poledance_australia_2006/">Winner Of Miss Poledance Australia 2006</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>More bloopers are a click away</a></font></html>
!Miss Poledance Australia 2006
Just picture those strong legs wrapped around you.
And doesn't she kind of remind you of Alyson Hannigan (Willow in Buffy the Vampire Slayer)?
Seattle writer/professional dominatrix's personal musings, rants and life-trivia...
!More Boobs in Public
Less Boobs in Public Office.
It is damn hard to argue with what these ladies are saying.
!Motivational Poster for men
It is Wednesday, and I already have in 42 hours for the week and it looks like I'll have to work Saturday as well. I come home each night with barely enough strength to open a beer. And yet I look forward to heading back in to work each day...at least I do ever since they hired her to come around and see if we need anything to eat or drink. Sometimes she even gives us shoulder rubs.
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MrOgre is the man to call when you need a lock changed, or maybe a little help when the key to the cuffs has gone missing.

<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/575738/my_best_assets.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/575738/my_best_assets/">My Best "assets"</a> </font></html>
!My Best "assets" - Real World Audition
Summery: I have tits. Guys like tits. I will be a great addition to the show. 

If you have to mention them, then it seems that is the only "asset" you have to bring to the show.
Say the following with a fake upperclass British accent, ala My Fair Lady

I'm so proud of my sweet little girl
For she is the best fuck in the world
With her legs spread oh so wide
She is quite a marvelous ride
You wonder how this I know?
All the girls tell me so
An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea to the governor for clemency had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through his front door, his wife started in on him: "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on and on and on...

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went to the liquor cabinet, poured himself a stiff shot of scotch, and headed off for a long, hot soak in the bathtub.

He was pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that the governor had relented and granted her husband's client his stay of execution. She finally realized what a day he must have had and proceeded upstairs to give him the good news.

She opened the bathroom door and was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over, naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she announced.

He whirled around and screamed, "OH, FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!?"
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/455285/naked_girl_take_shower_at_car_park.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/455285/naked_girl_take_shower_at_car_park/">Naked Girl Take Shower At Car Park</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Amazing videos are here</a></font></html>

!Naked Girl Take Shower At Car Park
Tell me again why we can't have ads like this in the US? Say after 10pm or so. Then again, why is it that Womens magazines normally have more skin shoing in the ads then in a Mens magazine, but you don't hear the women saying it is degrading to women. 
pleasuring, hypocrisies, ironies
Because it’s not just the emperor who wears no clothes
!![[Crystal Haidl's blog|http://nakedsexpolitics.blogspot.com/]]
> We're all naked 24/7 - some of us are just more candid about it. Catch a bit of my more intimate ponderings here. Sex and politics go together like sex and chocolate - enticing to the taste, and often decadent. I welcome your opinions on that and all else. (This blog is in Alpha-- budding like the bra-cup size...PHOTOS and Blog Index coming soon-- when someone can show me how...)
>Do you believe that forks are evolved from spoons?
>Forks are male in shape. Spoons are feminine. Embryonically,ladies came first, and that's why hetero gentlemen enjoy spooning their prongs :) PS: two spoons can cup and scoop each other and forks can jointly swell their saddles, too. 
She is the person who invented [[International Threesome Observance Day]]. 
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=no|blogName=AlmostPorn|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/682498/natalia_oreiro.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/682498/natalia_oreiro/">Natalia Oreiro</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>The funniest movie is here. Find it</a></font></html>
!Natalia Oreiro
Natalia Marisa Oreiro Iglesias Poggio Bourié (born May 19, 1977 in Montevideo, Uruguay) is a popular Latin Grammy-nominated Uruguayan singer and actress that developed most of her career in Argentina. In one of her roles she does this lovely striptease.
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists.
One was a Yuppie from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a hick redneck from Alabama.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
>Slowly across the desert sand
>Trekked the dusty caravan.
>Men on camels, two by two
>Destination - Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
>Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
>Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
>They was three, we was two,
>So I bucked one and Timbuktu. 
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/313482/chocolate_ad.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/313482/chocolate_ad/">Chocolate Ad</a></html>
!Naughty Chocolate Ad
Why didn't my next door neighbor look like this when I was that age? No, instead I had 50 year old, 350 lbs. of Mrs. Wilson on one side and some white trash woman who never wore a bra next to me on the other. White trash woman's breast hung down to her belt and looked like socks with a handful of pennies at the end of them. Now that I have described them I think I am going to have nightmares about them again. Thanks for setting my therapy back 10 years.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=videoTitle=Ikea Commercial|showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/637382/ikea_commercial.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/637382/ikea_commercial/">Ikea Commercial</a></font></html>
!Naughty Ikea Commercial
Some times you furniture just can't handle your life style.
So NeoPets has out a game that teaches kids that slimmer is prettier. Even says so in the instructions. http://www.neopets.com/games/letea/game1.phtml

"le tea: Slimmer and Prettier
Grab the le tea drinks and avoid the other bottled drinks!
Each girl can catch the le tea bottles while standing upright. To avoid the other bottled drinks, click on the girl to make her dodge. Clicking on her again will bring the girl back to the normal standing position. Catch 3 bottles of le tea in a row to earn bonus points. The game will end when you miss 6 le tea bottles. Catch the le tea bottles and become slimmer and prettier!" 
Of course "Le Tea" is some Japanese diet drink, but damn it, do we need kids to learn to be unhappy with thier bodies, not to mention being told to think that only skinny girls can be pretty? 
Hell, next they should just make the "Bulimia is fun" game. Eat all the food on your plate but make sure you get to the toilet to puke before anyone sees you gain weight. I am sure some hospital will pay to be advertised. 
<html><embed flashVars="playerVars=videoTitle=Booty Shaking|showStats=yes|autoPlay=no|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/285020/booty_shaking.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/285020/booty_shaking/">Booty Shaking - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
!Nerdy Girl Dancing
Something about a girl in glasses... She is a librarian in her normal day-to-day life, I bet.
I almost feel sorry for the security guard. Forced to look but knows he can't touch.
!New Chart to Teach Adults the Alphabet
I promise they will study it for hours.
Also works well for teenagers.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=no|blogName=AlmostPorn|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/669518/new_sexy_heroine.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/669518/new_sexy_heroine/">New Sexy Heroine</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Click here for another funny movie. </a></font></html>
!New Sexy Super Heroine
A new kind of American Hero. A new kind of Super Power.
Warning to all villains and thugs there is a new girl in town: ''Supertits''. 
"Wonder Woman ain't shit". "Supergirl can kiss my ass". "Harley Quinn, give me a call".
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!Newton's Law of Motion - Learn it and Live it
#Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it.
#The relationship between an object's mass (m), its acceleration (a), and the applied force (F) is F = ma. Acceleration and force are vectors; in this law the direction of the force vector is the same as the direction of the acceleration vector.
#For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
What this all means is that when you fuck up it can really, really hurt. And some times that is funny. Well, at least to other people. Your hurtin' and will not be able to laugh at this till you see the video of it.
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Always ask the sales lady to check your fit.
!Nice Tits
Not  clue of who she is, but I like what I see.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/634817/nice_cow.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/634817/nice_cow/">Nice Cow</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>The funniest home videos are here</a></font></html>
!Nice udders on this one
A classic joke made into a video.
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!Nicole in cut up shorts
Super-sexy Nicole has sent in another great video tribute to the Opie and Anthony show by painting up her chest and butt with Opie, Anthony, and Jim Norton's names...as if you'd even be paying attention to that.
<html><embed flashVars="playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/280403/budlight_beer_funny.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/280403/budlight_beer_funny/">Budlight Beer Funny - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
!No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service
Now that is using your head to get what you want.
!Not happy with your kid?
Then just bring them on down to ''Kid Sex Change'', and we will get you a child with the gender you dreamed of.
I am really hoping that this is just a bad choice of signs, but if not it should go over big in Asia.
What part of ''Not Mine'' don't you get? 
Means I found it laying on the side of the information super highway. 
Is it yours?

Actually I guess I need to explain that sometimes the part that is not mine is what I want to comment about. Such as [[Church sign value]]. 
!Now this is a thong
No denying that this is one nice little thong. And what it ain't covering is really nice, too.
<html><embed flashVars="playerVars=videoTitle=Nudity|showStats=no|autoPlay=no|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/348206/nudity.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/348206/nudity/">Nudity - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
!Nudist On Jerry Springer
OK, there are parts of what she babbles about that make sense, parts that come across as insanity. Can you tell which is which? 
Also, face it. I am doubting that she is at her finest moment when this was filmed. It can be a bit hard to come up with smart conversation when sitting in front of an audience.
If youd like to see more [[Part 2 is here|Nudist On Jerry Springer 2]].
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=no|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/97063/jerry_springer_no_clothes.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/97063/jerry_springer_no_clothes/">Jerry Springer - No Clothes</a></font></html>
!Nudist On Jerry Springer 2
Yea! She got her nudist friends to join her!
And here is [[Part 1|Nudist On Jerry Springer]]
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/426172/nuns_against_porn.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/426172/nuns_against_porn/">Nuns Against Porn</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Funny bloopers R us</a></font></html>
!Nuns Against Porn
They are sick of receiving all those hot titillating spam messages full of descriptions of naughty, perverted, sex acts. And now they want to do something about it with you.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/440389/one_night_stand.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/440389/one_night_stand/">One Night Stand</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>The funniest movie is here. Find it</a></font></html>
!One Night Stand
It seemed like such a good idea the night before, but sometimes people come with baggage.
Remember this the next time your out at the bar.
I was cut off by a SUV owned by a Bush supporting', cell phone yakin', Jesus fish.
When I tapped my horn to alert him I was there he flipped me the finger (Look Ma, both hands off the wheel!) and drifted momentarily into another lane pissing off even more folks.

Now I have always assumed that Bush supporters were all "mine, mine, mine" types, and that only idiots yak on the cell phone while driving fast in heavy side street traffic, but I thought that the Jesus fish meant he was a christian. Don't christians have this whole turn the other cheek, charity, do unto others, good will towards others thing to live by? Guess that only counts on Sunday for this guy.

Follow up with this in: [[Fish Symbol on Cars Explained]]
It started an hour after I got to work. Just an e-mail from her telling me what she wanted from me when I got home from work. While I was in a meeting she sent a text message describing in detail what she was going to do with it. 15 minutes before I left it was a phone call, her voice pleading with me to hurry home. Needless to say I didn't waste any time getting to the apartment.

She ran to me as soon as I walked into the room, dropping to her knees and eagerly grabbing it. She struggled to get it uncovered and exposed, refusing my offers to help. Oh, how I enjoyed looking down and seeing her eyes light up once she had it bare. She ran her tongue gently from the base to the tip, and then back down, repeating her actions until her tongue knew every part of it. Coming back to the top she teased herself and me by flicking that red tongue over the tip again and again, all the while looking up at me.  

All to soon she couldn’t resist the temptation and had to try and fit it all in her mouth, her lips straining as she forced them around it’s girth. Once she had the thickest part in she forced more and more of it deep into her mouth till the tip was filling the back of her throat. I could tell by her eyes that she was disappointed she could not manage the last several inches, but her tongue was moving quickly, licking all she could reach. She plunged it in and out of her mouth, sometimes very quickly, others slowly. Occasionally she would pull it all the way out so that she could lick the parts she couldn’t reach otherwise, staring up into my eyes, knowing I love to watch her do it. 

Her excitement started to get to me I realized as I heard myself making encouraging noise to her.  All to soon it was over and she leaned back with her mouth open wide to show me what it had left inside, her tongue darting out to lick up the juices running down her chin. What the tongue missed was quickly scooped up with her fingers, leading to her sucking each one of them clean. I grabbed her hand pulling her up to me, into a passionate kiss, tasting the last of the juice. After a minute or two we broke and I whispered gently in her ear, “I am bringing a Bomb Pop home every night.”

+++[Read more]
Yes, sex is all in the mind. 
At one point I thought about ending this with him thinking "I love my daughter, and am going to bring her a Bomb Pop home every night", but I thought it might scar some of you for life. I would have not had the kiss in there. Some others would have wanted the kiss left in. They are now re-reading it with the different ending. Sick puppies.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/532399/original_cast_what_am_i_supposed_to_do.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/532399/original_cast_what_am_i_supposed_to_do/">ORIGINAL CAST - What Am I Supposed To Do?</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>The top video clips of the week are here</a></font></html>
!Original Cast - What Am I Supposed To Do?
For more info on ORIGINAL CAST please visit www.originalcast.co.uk
I found a new word that I like: Outercourse.
This word means sex with out penetration (or at least that is what I got out of it).
This works fine for me as it gives me a way to describe non-penetration sex.

(Why I found this word is explained in [[Is it Sex?]])
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[>img[images/hottub-June14-2006-sm.jpg]]One day, after spending many long hard hours doing research on the latest trends in porn, several of us were sitting naked in the hot tub getting to know this really nice little 15-year-old mixed pedigreed Scotch-Irish mix (How do we know that she was a 15-year-old Scotch-Irish mix? Simple: Pan had bought these 2 seven-year-olds from this sleazy little Asian lady who ran a live sex site from Thailand. After about 2 months, when the ship containing them finally landed in New Orleans, Pan had to go down and sign for them to make them legally his, so he has documentation of when he first got his hands on them. (The guy he was picking them up from told Pan that he had really had to work hard to keep the crew from getting their hands on those sweet young things. Can you just picture what a crew of nasty sailors on a two-month sea voyage would do to a couple of seven-year-olds?) When he decided to move from Atlanta about 2 years later he didn't have room to house both of them, but since he really wanted to keep both of them he came up with an ingenious plan. He poured half of one bottle, the Scotch, into an empty Super Big Gulp cup, and then filled the remaining area of the first bottle with the contents of second bottle, the Irish whiskey. And rather then throw away the remaining contents in the second bottle he poured it into the Super Big Gulp cup to keep the rest company. Then he got into the moving truck, placed the Super Big Gulp cup between his thighs so he would have something to drink and set off on to the road. Don't worry folks; it was OK, as he was not driving. Pan has been living here for 6 years now, plus the 2 years in Atlanta added to fact that they were 7 years old when he got them makes her now a mixed pedigreed Scotch-Irish 15-years old. See? Very simple.) who was going down so smooth and easy it was kind of scary...

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Pan tells me that he really admires my penis. He had noticed how the ladies stare at the bulge it makes in whatever I wear. At first I was a little shocked. I mean here was my buddy, whom I thought had never had a gay thought in his head, checking out my penis. Of course at the same time, like most males, it is a source of pride for me, and having someone admire it was stroking my ego. Then I realized what the whole issue was really about; Pan's penis is never out in the open except when he is using it. He was actually in awe of the fact that he could see my penis all the time. Me having it just hanging out there all the time was just screaming to him that I was a sexual creature on the prowl. He was green with envy (no pun intended).

[>img[pic of Pan the Frog|http://almostporn.net/images/pan-med.png]] So as we sipped on our drinks we came up with a plan to help him with his little problem (no pun intended). First we had to prevent his penis from popping back in to his body. After a bit of thought we came up with using a cock ring. And since we thought that might not add enough girth to prevent it from going back in we were also going to also add a stainless steel washer. To get the washer around the testicles and penis I planned on taking 2 washers and cutting them in half a little off center. I would then overlap the 2 bigger halves so that they made a single circle, drill a hole on each side, put a rivet through one of them so that it would now swing opened and shut. To keep it shut I would use a nut and bolt on the other hole (Some how that sounds dirty).

I went to our shop room, got out a sheet of stainless steel and cut out 2 washers, did all the steps I listed above to them and have to say that it looked pretty good for something done by a guy three sheets to the wind. Now we hit our first snag; what to use for a cock ring. I don't seem to have any spare ones just lying around, and asking the neighbors if I could borrow one of theirs might be seen as being rude, not to mention nosy. After some thought and a couple more sips Pan spotted just the thing: Cable ties! I had a big bag of bright orange ones I normally use to keep annoying people tied up until the police show up just laying around. Sure, we would have to cut it off later, but then this was just the demo to prove that our idea worked. Heck, with us not having rounded the edges on the washer or even removed the couple of steel curls sticking up, cutting the cable tie off might just be the least of Pan's worries.

Brenda volunteered to put the washer on him and get the tie snuggly in place so we were all set to get going. We laid Pan on the couch and everything went smoothly. In no time Pan was kicking back on the couch, proudly looking down at his penis and enjoying the fact that Brenda was staring at it as well. We kicked back for a while then it all went to hell. Pan got up to answer nature's call.

Now, have you ever noticed how a frog gets from point A to point B? They jump. Pan leaped off the couch, just like a million times before, and everything was going just fine. Then he landed. Now, a frog lands on his front legs first, they bend and give him a little shock absorber action. That part went just fine. Then the back half hit. Oh! The noise that frog made when his testicles slammed onto the floor.

We decided that nature made frogs the way they are for a reason. 
[>img[pic of Pan_theFrog|images/pan-med.png]] Pan is a frog. Women love him for his tounge and great legs. Men like to hang around with him.

Check out the [[Pan's Penis]] story for a little more insight on him.

If you are female and wish to be in one of our videos or photoshoots, please contact Pan at <<email pan_thefrog at almostporn dot net>>.

+++[Click to see everything submitted by Pan_theFrog]
 '((index == 0) ? "" : ", ")+"[["+tiddler.title+"]]"'
!Parody of ''Riders on the Storm'' by ''The Doors''
Panties on the floor
Panties on the floor
Off her hips they were torn
On to the floor they’re thrown
She was begging on the phone
For a ride on my bone
Panties on the floor

There’s her panties on the floor
And she’s coming once more
All day we’re gonna play
Please her in every way
Can’t wait to get inside
This woman is quite a ride
Panties on the floor, yeah

Girl ya gotta blow your man
Girl ya gotta blow your man
Your hair is in his hand
Hear his gasped demand
In your mouth he’ll spend
as you suck him till the end
Girl ya gotta blow your man


Panties on the floor
Panties on the floor
Off her hips they were torn
On the floor they were thrown
She'd been begging on the phone
For a ride on my bone
Panties on the floor

Panties on the floor
Panties on the floor
Panties on the floor
Panties on the floor
Panties on the floor

<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/493252/one_of_the_best_lesbian_scenes_ever.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/493252/one_of_the_best_lesbian_scenes_ever/">One Of The Best Lesbian Scenes Ever!!!! </a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Click here for more free videos</a></font></html>
!Part 1 Of The Best Lesbian Scene Ever
Part 1. That means this is the foreplay to the lesbian stuff. 
Wait, you are a guy. Go here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foreplay to learn what foreplay is.
[>img[images/hottub-June14-2006-sm.jpg]]Went to a party last night. It is so nice have folks around that don't freak over skin. Once the hottub opened I don't think it was ever empty. Now if I could have just gotten to be taken home by someone...

Spent part of the day working on my idea for a portable bondage kit. Will let me turn any nornal bed in to a way to restrain someone in a spread eagle. Hopefully I will have it ready before the end of the week as I know just the folks to test it out.
PasswordOptionPlugin extends the core Options with a non encrypted password type.

*How a style can be specified for a specific option in StyleSheet

Test Password: <<option pasPassword myPasOptionInput >>
[img[http://almostporn.net/images/JodieMarshJustMyLuckPremier3.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/JodieMarshJustMyLuckPremier1.jpg]]
This is the perfect shirt to wear on a hot day.
And on those days it is cold you can cover up with this [[sweater|Perfect size sweater]]
Now I just need the perfect size skirt. The rest of the world calls it a belt.
More women need to wear this style of sweater.
And then on days when it is hot they can wear [[this|Perfect size shirt]].
Now I just need the perfect size skirt. The rest of the world calls it a belt.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/575051/photographer.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/575051/photographer/">Photographer</a></font></html>
Sometimes you need to notice what is going on around you.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/400249/photoshop_x_ray_trick_see_through_clothes.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/400249/photoshop_x_ray_trick_see_through_clothes/">Photoshop X-ray Trick - See Through Clothes - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>

I think I might find some uses for this.
Especially if I combine it with [[this.|How to Photoshop Your Ex's Head On To A Sexy Body]]
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/616177/pick_up_lines.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/616177/pick_up_lines/">Pick Up Lines</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>More amazing videos are a click away</a></font></html>
!Pick Up Lines
I told you he likes brunettes.
Performance beats style any day of the week.
They might be mine, they might belong to others.
If I like them I post 'em.

Also check out [[Videos]]
The following is a history of my sex life in chronological order:
#[img[http://almostporn.net/images/1handedporn.gif]] We got the new Playboy in I see
#[img[http://almostporn.net/images/teensex.gif]] Back in the days when any place would do
#[img[http://almostporn.net/images/missionary.gif]] Her parents left for the weekend
#[img[http://almostporn.net/images/bj-stick.gif]] Oh yeah, do that thing you do with your tongue
#[img[http://almostporn.net/images/licker.gif]] How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair? Shave it
#[img[http://almostporn.net/images/doggy-porn.gif]] Grab a handful of hair and ride it all night
And here is one more I thought you might get a kick out of seeing. Kind of like those pictures of Britney Spears without her panties. [img[http://almostporn.net/images/skirtpeek.gif]]

More available [[here|http://www.petting-zoo.org/Hardcore.html]]
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!Pink - Dear Mr President - Live
Wonder if Bush has ever heard it, or is this more stuff that he can't handle.
!STUN GUN (Only a guy would do this!)
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a  100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were  supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your  assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... 

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.  Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the  button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get  the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.  AWESOME!!! 

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,  thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries right?!! 

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.  I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some  assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses  perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst  would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"  long,  less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master", reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ''HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!'' 

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over  and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap  yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. 

''SON OF A B...'' that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.  My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there???  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock. 

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid".

 Regards, Jim
A wealthy old lady decides to spend the summer by going on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
!Moral of this story 
Don't mess with old farts... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
<html><object classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" codebase="http://fpdownload.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=7,0,0,0" width="400" height="345" align="middle"><param name="movie" value="http://www.videojug.com/film/player?id=64bf3ee9-e97a-0c51-1b8f-ff0008c92d62" /><embed src="http://www.videojug.com/film/player?id=64bf3ee9-e97a-0c51-1b8f-ff0008c92d62" quality="high" width="400" height="345" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer"></embed></object><br /><a href="http://www.videojug.com">VideoJug</a>: <a href="http://www.videojug.com/film/pole-dancing-for-beginners-the-wrap-around-move">Pole Dancing For Beginners: The Wrap-Around Move</a></html>
!Pole Dancing For Beginners: The Wrap Around Move
Elaine Gosling from [[Poleminx|www.poleminx.co.uk/]] shows us how to do pole dance and perfect the wrap-around move. This move is suitable for those new to pole dancing.
!!Step 1: You will need
* A free-standing pole
* Comfortable clothes with bare arms and legs
* A pair of sexy high heels or trainers

!!Step 2: Fit the pole
* Before you begin pole dancing make sure your pole is securely fitted according to the manufacturer's instructions.
* Give yourself lots of space and ensure that there is nothing obstructing your movement.

!!Step 3: Don't use lotions
* Never pole dance wearing oils or lotions as these make the pole slippery and hazardous.
* You may need to wipe down the pole too before you start to remove any grease and give you maximum grip.

!!Step 4: Stretch 
* Always warm up and cool down properly when you are pole dancing; and check that you are fit and healthy enough to start this physically demanding exercise.

!!Step 5: Grab the pole
* Start at the back of the pole, with your inside foot close to the base. Use your strong hand (this will be your right hand if you are right handed, or your left if you are left handed) to grab the pole at about head height. Allow your arm to straighten, so your weight is hanging away from the pole.

!!Step 6: Step around
* Keeping your outside leg straight, swing it out to the side and step all the way around the pole, pivoting on your inside foot at the same time. Allow your knee to bend slightly as you turn.

!!Step 7: Hook with your leg
* Place your outside foot down just behind the other foot. Transfer your weight to the back foot and hook your inside leg around the front of the pole, getting a good grip right behind the knee.

!!Step 8: Arch your body
* To finish off, arch your body backwards, lowering your hand to allow for a deeper arch.

!!Step 9: Straighten up
* Straighten back up and swing your leg down from the pole, ready to step into the next move.

Recently someone described thier poly relationship, and then asked if they were folowing normal poly practices.
!!Here is my answer:
I think that if you ask 5 polys how to be poly you will get a dozen answers as each will tell you how they do it (Or will just as soon as they find that hot bi babe), and then they have a friend... I think there are as many ways to be Poly as there are to be Christian. Someday we might be able to group different Poly styles much like we currently do Christians (So your Baptist? No, Southern Baptist, but my husband is Born Again), but first we have to establish some guide lines as to what ''IS'' the basis of each type of Poly and how is X type different from Z type? Till then I think we are all just guessing and experimenting... but damn, it's fun.

Also, I feel that as long as everyone involved is happy and aware of the entire situation, I don't think that it matters one bit how others feel about your situation. And like Treesong said, I can't judge your relationship based off of you telling me about it any more then I can accurately picture your house based off you saying "My house is blue with white shutters". There are just to many small things that are very important that will get overlooked.

Now, having stated that...

I am currently in an open V (MFM) with 2 members having been together almost 10 years, always an open relationship, and the third has been in the relationship about 18 months. We all have people we see outside of our V, some couples, some singles. Some we see individually, some we see as a group. We are happy and healthy. Each member has to give permission before we are allowed to have (safe) sex with someone for the first time, and any member can ask another to stop seeing someone, but must give a reason. 

Hopefully that answers some of your questions,
Romantic open poly MFM V seeks another female to add to the mix. She is alpha in almost all regards, the two males are not. Think you could get along with the three of them?  
We prefer friendship before progression to the next stage (Meaning we are not likely to say "Nice boots. Wanna fuck?"). 
Cleaning fetish a plus (Adds a whole new meaning to "I love it when your dirty")

For a little more info on our relationship read [[Poly Practices]]

If interested contact: <<email panthefrog at almostporn dot net>>
<tr><td><img src="90.jpg"><br />
''V or 90'' = 1 person with 2 lovers
</td><td><img src="Triad.jpg"><br />
''Triad'' = 3 lovers all sharing each other
</td><td><img src="Spokes.jpg"><br />
''# Spokes'' = 1 person with many lovers (replace # with number of lovers)
</td><td><img src="Table.jpg"><br />
''290 or Table'' = 2 people who count each other as lovers & who each have an additional lover 
<tr><td><img src="Square.jpg"><br />
''490 or Square'' = 4 people who share lovers. Typically 4 straight people.
</td><td><img src="SlashBox.jpg">
''Slash box'' = 4 people in a relationship with 2 of them counting all 3 of the others as lovers. Typically 2 bi and 2 straight.
</td><td><img src="XBox.jpg"><br />
''XBox'' = 4 people all counting each other as lovers. 4 bi or 4 gay.

Of course this is just some of the simple relationships. I can't even begin to draw a picture where there is a V with each of the people having other lovers, some of whom are involved with more then one person on the V. Maybe if I get into 3d modeling...

Poly: Short for polyamorous.

Polyamory: The non-possessive, honest, responsible ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously. Based on the conscious choice of how many partners one wishes to be involved with, rather than accepting social norms that dictate monogamy as the only acceptable form of love.

Non-Monogamy: In general, this is simply another way of saying "polyamorous". It is sometimes felt to have a slightly different meaning, since the word "amour", meaning "love", is not present in the root word. This is sometimes felt to mean that the person using this term may have more casual relationships.

Dyad: A relationship consisting of two primary partners.

Triad: The most basic and common form of multipartner relationship, consisting of three adult primary partners.

Primary Relationship: A committed, long term, live in relationship which may or may not include marriage and/or shared economy.

Secondary Relationship: An intimate relationship in which the partners usually do not live together, and do not consider their relationship a first priority.

Tertiary Relationship: A friendly but casual sexual relationship of an occasional or temporary nature.

Group Marriage: a marriage in which three or more adult partners are married to each other. A group marriage may be open, closed or inclusive.

Polyfidelity: A group - of any size - in which all partners are primary to all other partners and sexual fidelity is to the group. More primary partners can be added only with the entire group's consent.

Polygyny: (poly=many; gyno=woman) Polygamy in which one man has two or more wives at the same time.

Polyandry: (poly=many; andro=man) Polygamy in which one woman has two or more husbands at the same time.

Swinging: Recreational sex for couples. An arrangement in which two primary partners agree to have casual sex with other couples or singles, under certain circumstances and with certain agreements, as long as there is no serious emotional involvement.
(Borrowed from [[Mistress Matisse]])
Polyamory Weekly
!!Tales from the front of responsible non-monogamy from a pansexual, kink-friendly point of view.[>img[images/members/Minx-sm.jpg]]
...because it's not all about the sex.
Podcast by [[Cunning Minx]]: 
''Show Notes:'' http://polyweekly.livejournal.com/
''MP3s:'' http://polyweekly.libsyn.org/  (also available on [[iTunes|http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=74071760]])
''Eros-Zine Interview:'' http://www.eros-zine.com/articles/2006-03-07/cunningminx/

She is also the inventor of the term ''Boobysexual''.
Polyamory (Multiple Loves) is to Polygyny (one man having more than one wife), or Polyandry (one woman having more than one husband) as 'Flower is to Rose'. Both are limited forms of Polyamory. The folks in  HBO's ''Big Love'' are practicing Polygyny. They would never consent to letting the women have additional lovers. Not even their sister-wives.

Polyamory doesn't limit one person to just one person having multiple lovers/spouses. Each person in a Polyamorous relationship is allowed to have as many lovers/spouses as they can handle. There is even an interesting term for when someone tries to take on too many lovers/spouses at one time; [[PolySaturation|http://www.smoocherie.com/polysaturation.htm]]. 

Polyamory is not swinging. IMHO, swinging seem to be more about sex, whereas polyamory is more centered on relationships. Not that you can not have people who are both Polyamorous & Swingers.  An example would be a Poly person, couple or group who occasionally add the hottie they met at the bar to the mix. The hottie might only be in their life for a day or so, hence no one would think it was a 'relationship'. It is just sex, not that there is anything wrong with that as long as everyone is aware and happy with the situation.

I guess this is a good point to try and say that you can be polyamorous ''AND'' be a single person or couple. Polyamory is a description of a lifestyle or relational choice and philosophy, rather than a person's actual relationship status at a given moment.
[[Kiltman]] had just started at his new job, working at a porno shop when his boss came out to tell him that he has to leave for a while, and ask "Can you handle it?" Kiltman was somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.

So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a hot MILF Soccer Mom comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a sexy dark skinned woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blond woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!" 
Please do your best during this week to make sure everyone around you knows where to get the best Pornography.
<<reminder month:10 day:31 offsetdayofweek:-0 title:"Be sure to point out the good porn to others during this week" >>
I was asked about what would be my dream job and after a little pondering on it I decided upon the field observations of kinesiology, particularly the biaxial rotation and soft tissue motion during locomotion. I would most likely specialize in the observation of the female Homo sapien sapien. 

I am currently seeking a college that will finance me in my chosen field of study.

*Kinesiology - The scientific study of human movement.
*Biaxial rotation - Rotation on two axes. ~Up-Down, Back & Forth, etc.
*Locomotion - In biology, locomotion is the self-powered, patterned motion of limbs or other anatomical parts by which an individual customarily moves itself from place to place. Also a 1960s hit song, originally performed by Little Eva, and it's accompanying dance.
 There’s no doubt that the breasts are a powerful erogenous zone, and their stimulation can go a long way in helping to bring a woman to orgasm. 

The question is, how can we best pleasure a partner while we’re enjoying the immense turn-on of fondling her boobs? 

In order to get the female perspective on this, I conducted an impromptu poll of 29 well-endowed women to find out what they liked best. Here are the results: 
!!!Preferred Method of Breast Stimulation 
#Rubbing aureole (but not nipple) 24% 
#Massaging the whole breast 21% 
#Licking and sucking the nipple 17% 
#Rubbing nipple 14% 
#Pulling or pinching the nipple gently 10% 
#Pulling or pinching the nipple hard 7% 
#All of the above and more 7%
Not sure where I got it from but it made sense to me.

OK boys, consider this your homework. Start at #1 and work your way down. Make mental notes as to which she like the most. Better yet ask her for vocal feedback.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.metacafe.com&playerVars=blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http%3A%2F%2Falmostporn.net"  src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/888214/paris_extreme_flexibility.swf" width="400" height="345" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"> </embed><br /><font size="1"><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/888214/paris_extreme_flexibility/">Paris - Extreme Flexibility</a> </font></html>
!Pretty Paris - Extreme flexibility
Watch as pretty Paris puts her flexible body through the paces. I understand that you can hire her for an evenings entertainment.

<html><div><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embed/49CA97A985384FE78B4884CE8AAEA0EE&thumb=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="369" wmode="transparent"></embed><br/><a href="http://www.livevideo.com/video/embedLink/49CA97A985384FE78B4884CE8AAEA0EE/412198/paris-amazing-perfect-flexib.aspx">Paris - Amazing Perfect Flexibility Sexy Contortio</a></div></html>
<html><embed flashVars="playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/285173/preaty_women.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/285173/preaty_women/">Preaty Women - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
This is the way to gain a lot of friends quickly.
Currently we are working on creating some great products for you to buy. This is where you can find out about some of the things that are still in Beta Testing until we get done testing them on some naughty little animals (Send e-mail to Pan at almostporn (dot) net to volunteer to be a naughty animal test subject):
I know that I do not live in a world like the one you live in. One of the ways I know this is that on a semi regular basis I get stuck with trying to figure out what pronoun to use for some of the people on the fringe of my social circle.

When someone I know shows up with a new lover or friend who might be a feminine male or a masculine female whose name is androgynous (Pat, Chris, Sandy, Terry, or Bob [In my world Bob is an andi name]), or I didn't catch it, I don't know how to refer to them.

The biggest hassle about this is that I have a bad habit of never remembering peoples names. What happens is I say something like "So where did you meet..." pause as my brain start whirling and trying out options 'him? her? name...what is their name? Umm? Umm? Umm? Quick! Make something up!' "...for the first time?". It means I spend the whole conversation being distracted by having to re-think every thing I say. I think this leads to folks thinking that I am uncomfortable with the situation, where as all I am really trying to do is not be rude.

And I know I am not the only one as there have been times at conventions/parties where the topic of conversation is "So is <insert name>'s friend male or female?" and none of us know. There is actually one person who I have had people tell me is male and then had someone else tell me is female.

Please, be kind and make sure that folks like me get clued in at some point.
<html><embed flashVars="playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/378268/just_for_laughs_prostitute_prank.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/378268/just_for_laughs_prostitute_prank/">Just For Laughs - Prostitute Prank - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>

Now you know what to say if you get in a situation involving a pretty lady, some cash, and a cop. Of course if you are actually doing the deed when the cop comes up to the car, you will have to explain that she is ''"rewarding you"'' for returning her money to her. "That's right officer, I'm not a John. I'm a hero." I am sure he will buy it and let you go free.

Meanwhile some officers have seen this and will now be thinking this might just be the way to get their number of arrest up.
On Feb 8, I started using Quantcast.com to track my websites hits. They do it by having you place a little bit of code in your site that downloads a 1pixel gif each time you page gets visited. Seems like a great way to make an accurate count. They then compare you to all the other sites they have stats on, plus where they think a lot of other site place, and tell you where you rank by the number of US visitors you get. They are trying to be a better version of Alexa.com (Which says I rank 290,423 in the world)

This seems nice and easy, but recently I tried to compare myself with another site. I was ranked around 257,600. The other site (pimpnflyguy.com) was ranked 257,380. His was the next higher one I could find that they were collecting stats on. I am getting 5,000+ unique hits a month from US visitors. Pimpnflyguy is getting 17 per month. He's been getting about that many since Jan 20 at least. I watched over the next couple of days and saw that while I moved around in the stats, he never did.

On Sat, Feb 24, I went to Quantcast.com's blog (http://quantcast.typepad.com/quantcast/2006/12/compare_site_tr.html) and mentioned what I had noticed. A couple of hours later They sent me back an e-mail that says:
>[my name], thanks for the comment on our blog.  You've unearthed an issue we'll need to look into.  I'm going to delete the comment from the blog, but we appreciate the feedback.
>Jim Kelly
>VP Engineering

Currently, I am ranked 263,200+. Pimpnflyguy is still at 257,380, but they stopped posting hits for him. Well, either that or he has had no hits for the last couple of days. It is hard to tell the difference between none and null.

Does this sound a little broken to you? 

Read [[part 2|Quantcast.com is not right pt.2]]
This is a copy of a post I made on the Quantcast.com blog (http://quantcast.typepad.com/quantcast/2006/12/compare_site_tr.html) on March 1, 2007. I am posting it here as they deleted my last post (Which i don't have a copy of), and I'd like to keep a record of what I've posted to them.

>How are you all getting along at doing something about the sites getting very few hits, but still getting decent rankings, like betterworld.net (rank 258,369 w/ under 25 hits a day), pimpnflyguy.com  (rank 257,382 w/ under 4 hits a days since Jan 23)  archimedes-lab.org  (rank 156,874 which has had 1 hit since Jan 24)? 
>I am asking as I see that my ranking changes daily, but these folks just seem to idle along at the rank they might have held in the past.
And so the saga continues... Today I am ranked 246,985 (With a guessimated 400+ hits a day), pimpnflyguy.com  (rank 242,599), betterworld.net  (rank 264,462), archimedes-lab.org  (rank 138,976). 

Now why is this notable? Because when this saga started on Feb 24, 2007 pimpnflyguy.co was ranked 257,380, which was about 300 ranks ahead of me (He was the next highest quantified user I could find). Now here it is a week later, and while I have moved up 10.5k ranks, pimpnflyguy has moved up even more then that, but still has no more then 4 hits a day since Jan 23, 2007. 

archimedes-lab.org has moved up 18k ranks, and still shows 1 hit since Jan 23, 2007 (And I think that was me).  betterworld.net has dropped 6k ranks, but is getting more hits per day then either pimpnflyguy or archimedes-lab. 
Is there any logic in what they are using for stats?
So it continues....
My logs show that I had 17,691 unique visitors in Feb. But today Quantcast.com has me ranked at 246,823. pimpnflyguy.com is at 242,598, betterworld.net is 264,460, archimedes-lab.org is 138,983.

Quantcast shows me getting an estimated 5,050 unique US visitors a month (With about 400 US visitors a day), http://quantcast.com/pimpnflyguy.com shows 5,147 US visitors (With no more then 4 visitors a day), http://quantcast.com/betterworld.net shows 4,677 US visitors (No more then 25 visits a day), http://quantcast.com/archimedes-lab.org has 10,080 US visitors (even though they have had only 1 visitor since Jan 24 and stats for them end on Jan 29). 
<html><embed flashVars="playerVars=videoTitle=Quick Horror Movie|showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/372698/quick_horror_movie.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/372698/quick_horror_movie/">Quick Horror Movie - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>

I am thinking that this is another good example why people should not be allowed fully automatic weapons. A 12 gage is just the thing for stopping a bad guy:
#just by the sound of chambering a shell
#by hitting a nice wide area which has enough power to kill but shouldn't take out the next door neighbors kid while he is in his bedroom (The average person shoots like a Star Wars Stormtrooper)
#the sound of a shotgun going off should scare the hell out of most people causing them to run like hell. It also does a good job of waking up the neighborhood.

I am always amazed at the folks who list in their description things like "I only date Black women" or "I am a White woman married to a Black man". It always makes me think these folks are bigots.

In my way of thinking race only matters to racist. People that are beyond "What color are you" don't see or care about what race someone is. The only thing that matters is the actual person.

Racism is just something that is learned. Take a look at any playground where there are kids under the age of 6 playing. Do you see them separating into groups by race? No. If you ask one of them to describe who they were playing with they will most likely never mention the color of the person's skin.

But then again why do we refer to it as ‘race’. Is there a competition between us? Is someone going to be declared the winner? 
This morning while driving through the fog, aliens abducted me and put a transmitter in my brain so that I could transmit my thoughts to others. They put me back in my car and I went to work.

So far I don't think it worked as I have not noticed others being any smarter nor obeying the thoughts I directed towards them.

Of course it could all have been a dream, but why would an alien dream about putting a transmitter in my head?

More info on this in [[Since my capture]]
Zoo Magazine has a little challenge for you. The following pictures have 11 sets of natural breast, and 11 sets of breast that have been touched up by a surgeon. Please examine carefully and then wander over to [[our blog|http://www.almostporn.net/blog/wordpress/2007/07/07/real-vs-fake/]] and let us know which are better: Real or Fake.
[img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/ZooRealVsFakeA.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/ZooRealVsFakeB.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/ZooRealVsFakeC.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/ZooRealVsFakeD.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/ZooRealVsFakeE.jpg]]
<html><embed allowScriptAccess="never" allowFullScreen="true"  src="http://grouper.com/mtg/mtgPlayer.swf?v=1.7" width="400" height="325" quality="high" scale="noScale" FlashVars="ap=0&mu=0&rf=-1&vfver=8&extid=-1&extsite=-1&id=1877863&ml=fc%3d2%26fx%3d" wmode="window" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/shockwave/download/index.cgi?P1_Prod_Version=ShockwaveFlash" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></html>
!Really Big And Firm
It is the way I like them.
    A farmer named Cooter had a bad, car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Cooter.

    "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'," asked the lawyer?

    Cooter responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the.........."

    "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you Not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!"?

    Cooter said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

    The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question, yes or no."

    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Cooter`s answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Cooter thanked the Judge and proceeded,

    "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown Into the other."

    "I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her moans."

    "Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

    "Now, what the hell would you say?"
I think it is that straight folks don't like the idea of all the good divorce lawyers being to busy to help them get a divorce when they are ready for one. Plus the law of supply and demand says that the more demand there is the higher the cost, and divorce already is too expensive.

And how can you have a smaller government when you need more windows at the Marriage Department in City Hall, and then we will need to have more Divorce Courts? Don't you people realize that our tax dollars go to pay for that stuff? That money could have gone for education (OK, more likely to go for something else, but it could have...), so do it for the children.

And there is the other problem. Married people pay lower taxes, so same sex marriage will lower the amount of taxes collected...and it is not fair that gays suddenly get some kind of lower taxes when the tax system for straights stays the same.

And damn it, when my little girl wants to get married she does not need even more competition for the services a good wedding must have. Allowing same sex marriage would drive up the demand, driving up the prices, making it too expensive for my little girl to get everything she wants. And that is not right!


OK, it is scary how easy it is to get my brain into that pretzel logic mindspace. I haven't even been drinking or doing any cold medicine.

And this started as a comment on someone else post about same sex marriage...but I liked my answer. Wish I had time to explore the stupid answers I could come up with even more, but time for work now.
1) (On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush! 

2) 1/20/09: End of an Error 

3) That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway 

4) Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First 

5) If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran 

6) Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber. 

7) You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time 

8) If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President 

9) Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant 

10) Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet? 

11) George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight 

14) America : One Nation, Under Surveillance 

15) They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It 

16) Which God Do You Kill For? 

17) Cheney/Satan '08 

18) Jail to the Chief! 

19) W ho Would Jesus Torture? 

20) No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade? 

21) Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap 

22) Like Jesus Would Own a Gun and Vote Republican 

23) Bad president! No Banana. 

24) We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language 

25) We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them 

26) Buck Fush! 

27) Rich Man's War, Poor Man's Blood 

28) Is It Vietnam Yet? 

29) Bush Doesn't Care About White People Either 

30) Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket? 

31) You Elected Him. You Deserve Him. 

32) Frodo Failed. Bush Has the Ring. 

33) Impeach Cheney First! 

34) Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too! 

35) When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46 . . . 

36) The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century 
Nice things to eat that might help your love life.
From Wikipedia: 
>Religion is a system of social coherence based on a common group of beliefs or attitudes concerning an object, person, unseen being, or system of thought considered to be supernatural, sacred, divine or highest truth, and the moral codes, practices, values, institutions, and rituals associated with such belief or system of thought. It is sometimes used interchangeably with "faith" or "belief system", but is more socially defined than that of personal convictions.

"Religious suffering is, at one and the same time, the expression of real suffering and a protest against real suffering. Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people."
	-- Karl Marx
<<reminder month:12 day:25 title:"Xmas" >>

<<reminder month:3 day:14 title:"Steak & BJ Day" >>

<<reminder month:6 day:30 title:"[[White Hart Renaissance Faire]]" >>
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<<reminder year:2007 month:8 day:16 title:"[[GenCon|http://gencon.com/]]" >>
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<<reminder year:2007 month:8 day:31 title:"[[DragonCon]]" >>
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<<reminder month:9 day:15 title:"[[St Louis Pirate Fest]]" >>
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<<reminder month:9 day:19 title:"Talk like a Pirate Day" >>
<<reminder month:9 day:22 title:"[[St Louis Pirate Fest]]" >>
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<<reminder month:9 day:30 title:"[[St Louis Pirate Fest]]" >>

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!Rocky Horror Show VS Priscilla Queen of the Desert
Drew Carey show - Rocky Horror Picture Show fans VS Priscilla Queen of the Desert fans outside a movie theatre. Musical showdown ensues Time Warp VS Grove Thing. Drew Carey as Brad, Ryan Stiles as Riff Raff (if i'm not mistaken) and a few others whose names escape me right now...
<html><object width="425" height="353"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/nzuQeInagE0"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/nzuQeInagE0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="353"></embed></object></html>
!Rodney Carrington - Show 'em to me
I am not a big country fan, but I think that this song would be a hit no matter what style it is sung in.

Well it seems to me that this whole worlds gone crazy.
There's too much hate and killin' goin' on,
but when I see the bare chest of a woman
my worries and my problems are all gone.
No one thinks of fightin', when they see a topless girl.
Baby, if you would show yours, too, we could save the world.

Show them to me, show them to me.
Unclasp your bras and set those puppy free!
They'd look a whole lot better without that sweater, baby, I'm sure you'll agree.
If you got two fun bags,
show them to me.

I don't care if they don't match, or if ones bigger then the other.
You could show me one, and I'll imagine the other.
Even if your really old, theres nothing wrong,
don't be sad. Your boobs ain't bad, there just a little long.

Show them to me, show them to me.
Lift up your shirt and let the whole world see!
just this row, show your globes and a happy man I'll be.
If you got those chi chi's,
show them to me.

I've met a lot of them, but never one I hated.
Even if you had thirteen kids and you think they look deflated.
Theres no such thing as a bad breast, I believe this much is true.
If your a big fat man I'm a titty fan and I'd love to see yours, toooo!

Show them to me, show them to me,
just like the 'Girls Gone Wild' on TV.
Just lean back and show your rack, and I'll be in ecstasy.
If you got two casabas,
show them to me.
This bubble bath will put you in a romantic mood. All of the ingredients are considered 'aphrodisiacs' – making this a great idea for when you are preparing for a romantic evening.

!!!You will need: [>img[images/sexy/romanticbath.jpg]]
6 drops jasmine oil
3 drops rose oil
3 drops vanilla oil
6 drops ylang-ylang oil
1 quart of distilled water
1 bar of castile soap. (4 oz. Bar)
4 ounces liquid glycerin

1. Mix the water, soap and glycerin together and stir.
2. Now add your essential oils to the mixture. 
3. Place in tub and fill with water and you. 
<html><embed type="application/x-mplayer2" pluginspage="http://www.microsoft.com/Windows/MediaPlayer/" src="http://images2.jokaroo.net/videos/ronaldmc.wmv" volume="50" showcontrols="true" showstatusbar="True" height="340" width="420"></embed></html>
!Ronald McDonald in Drag
I never thought I'd be attracted to Ronald, but damn he looks good in drag.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/633513/sarah_silverman_roasts_paris_hilton.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/633513/sarah_silverman_roasts_paris_hilton/">Sarah Silverman Roasts Paris Hilton</a></font></html>
!Sarah Silverman Roasts Paris Hilton
After hearing this I have to agree with the one guy "I love you Sarah!". 
I just wish the whole world would lock Paris away. I don't find her attractive, she's stupid, and she is rude. At what point do there qualities make her famous? Then again, maybe Paris will spend the next 45 days thinking about what Sarah said and become a better person. More likely though she is going to get out and flash her crotch to the media just before making another sex film. 
<html><div><object width="425" height="335"><param name="movie" value="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/Nh2sPlRFvFAkn5Tws"></param><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/Nh2sPlRFvFAkn5Tws" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="334" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object><br /><b><a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xu45s_aracher-a-mamie">aracher a mamie</a></b><br /><i>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/renzito69">renzito69</a></i></div></html>
Cliff McDonald walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to go down to the basement and deplete his supply of the rare and expensive liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that his customer won't be able to tell the difference. Cliff downs the Scotch and says: "My good man, that Scotch is only ten years old. I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."

Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot.

Cliff drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."

So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the customer a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink.

Once again Cliff states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.

The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot.

Angus downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!"

The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own: "I bet you think you're real smart," slurs the drunk. "Here, take a swig of this."

Rising to the challenge, Angus takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor.

"My God!" Angus exclaims. "That tastes like piss!"

"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?" 
Seantaclaus is a great DJ. He also does that [[art thing|http://www.parrackstudios.com/]].
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/627556/selena_spice.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/627556/selena_spice/">Selena Spice!!</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>For more amazing video clips, click here</a></font></html>
!Selena Spice
Selena is an 18 years old from South America who wants to share pictures and videos of her body with you...assuming you can pay her enough cash. Currently the amount is $24.95 a month. 
[img[http://selenaspice.com/i/selenasample03.jpg]] [img[http://selenaspice.com/i/selenasample02.jpg]] [img[http://selenaspice.com/i/selenasample5.jpg]] [img[http://selenaspice.com/i/selenasample4.jpg]] [img[http://selenaspice.com/i/selenasample04.jpg]] [img[http://selenaspice.com/i/selenasample05.jpg]] [img[http://selenaspice.com/i/selenasample2.jpg]] [img[http://selenaspice.com/i/selenasample3.jpg]] [img[http://selenaspice.com/i/selenasample1.jpg]] [img[http://selenaspice.com/i/selenasample6.jpg]]
Another video of her at [[Selena Spice - thong]]
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/631579/hot_selena_spice.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/631579/hot_selena_spice/">Hot Selena Spice!</a></font></html>
!Hot Selena Spice
She's decided to show you her favorite thong.
Another video of her at [[Selena Spice]]
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/625872/sensitivity_training.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/625872/sensitivity_training/">Sensitivity Training</a></font></html>
!Sensitivity Training goes wrong
Here is what goes on at sensitivity training at a coed college.
"Guys, quit looking at her..."
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/562945/serena_williams_milf.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/562945/serena_williams_milf/">SERENA WILLIAMS MILF </a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>The best video clips are here</a></font></html>
!Serena Williams - Tribute to the sexy ass
Serena Williams, tennis babe, has the junk in the truck on that hard banging bod. And guys, just look at that bod. You know she knows how to 'serve' you up right, all day and night.
Lots of us know that sex is a good exercise, but until now no one had done a scientific study of how many calories were burnt during different activities.
|Removing her clothes|>|h
|With her consent|12 calories|
|Without her consent|187 calories|
|Opening her bra|>|h
|With both hands|8 calories|
|With one hand|12 calories|
|With your teeth|85 calories|
|Putting on a condom|>|h
|With an erection|6 calories|
|Without an erection|315 calories|
|For the clitoris|8 calories|
|For the ~G-spot|92 calories|
|Missionary|12 calories|
|69 lying down|78 calories|
|69 standing|112 calories|
|Wheel barrel|216 calories|
|Doggy style|326 calories|
|Hanging from chandelier|912 calories|
|Real|112 calories|
|Fake|315 calories|
|Dawn Marie|625 calories|
|Post Orgasm|>|h
|Lying in bed cuddling|18 calories|
|Getting up immediately|36 calories|
|Explaining why you got up immediately|812 calories|
|Getting a second erection: if you are:|>|h
|13-19 years old|2 calories|
|20-29 years old|36 calories|
|30-39 years old|80 calories|
|40-49 years old|124 calories|
|50-59 years old|972 calories|
|60-69 years old|2916 calories|
|70+ years old|Results are still pending|
|Dressing afterwards|>|h
|Calmly|32 calories|
|In a hurry|98 calories|
|With her father knocking at the door|1218 calories|
|With your spouse knocking at the door in a non-open relationship|3521 calories|
|With your spouse knocking at the door in an open relationship|20 calories (Save your strength. You will need it for round 2)|

Original picture at: http://www.kontraband.com/
<html><embed flashVars="playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/118818/freaky_women_in_an_elevator.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/118818/freaky_women_in_an_elevator/">Freaky Women In An Elevator - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
That is another fine mess you've gotten us into, Ollie.
Yep, more fun stuff from the Man Show.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/649949/come_together_or_come_apart.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/649949/come_together_or_come_apart/">Come Together Or Come Apart </a> </font></html>
!SexShop365 - Come Together Or Come Apart
The world must come together... or the world will come apart.
1 in 20 women do not have a dildo. 19 of every 20 men do not have a butt plug. We can do something about that. Let us spread a new vibration all around the world, bring joy to every boy and every girl.
Just a few clicks can make all the difference: http://sexshop365.co.uk
An adult blog of a couple exploring their sensual side.
Sexy: Things that are sexy, like Angelina Jolie.
Erotic: Angelina Jolie in a lesbian orgy.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/576740/super_model_sexy_asian.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/576740/super_model_sexy_asian/">Super Model Sexy Asian</a></font></html>
!Sexy Asian Models
Asian models who are sexy. What part of it do I need to explain?
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/633043/sexy_barber_s_mastrubating_customer.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/633043/sexy_barber_s_mastrubating_customer/">Sexy Barber`s Masturbating Customer</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>For more funny videos, click here</a></font></html>
!Sexy Barber`s Masturbating Customer
Just watch what you do when your sitting in the chair!
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/612915/funny_art_sexy_body_art_pictures.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/612915/funny_art_sexy_body_art_pictures/">Funny Art Sexy Body Art Pictures</a></html>
!Sexy Body Art Pictures
Body paint can be so fun.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/183650/sexy_fashion_show.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/183650/sexy_fashion_show/">Sexy Fashion Show - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>

Does anyone ever actually wear this stuff outside of a fashion show?
<html><param name="movie" value="http://media.humordump.com/media/mp.swf?3318"></param><embed src="http://media.humordump.com/media/mp.swf?v=3318" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="420" height="320"></embed><br/><a href="http://humordump.com/">Sexy Garbage Man at Humordump.com</a></html>
Can you help her find her clothes?

[img[images/sexy/Crystal-001.jpg]] [img[images/sexy/Crystal-002.jpg]] [img[images/sexy/Crystal-003.jpg]] 
She has a lovely set of eyes.

!Nicki Theobald
Sit and Relax. You deserve it.

I don't know her name, but I want to.
!Becky Labounce 
Becky has a nice job working as an accountant. This is not what she wears to the office. It is what she wears when going out with me. OK, so normally she leave the chemise up...but she had to show me why she has to wear it; She didn't want cars to crash as we walked down the street together.

Valerie's [[myspace profile|http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=164291216]] list her interest as "Modeling,Motorcycles,Shopping etc....." and is your typical to-many-things-going-on-can't-read-anything design. She is 26, bisexual and lives in Raymond, NH. She also is in a relationship with B.O.B. but cheats on him with some guy. She once posted a comment in her blog.

!Cara Rae
[[Cara Rae|http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=21573911]] is a 22 year old from San Diego, CA. She is attending  San Diego State University  where she is trying to get a 2-year degree in TV, Film, New Media Production. She has been attending since 2002. She apparently doesn't know how to write as there are no blog entries.
<html><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/14m4s6Hv2EM"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/14m4s6Hv2EM" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object></html>

Damn, I can only get two lights before she falls off. Guess I need to quit doing all that foreplay before hand.
<html><embed flashVars="playerVars=videoTitle=Just For Laughs - Sexy Skirt Lift P|showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/370743/just_for_laughs_sexy_skirt_lift_prank.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/370743/just_for_laughs_sexy_skirt_lift_prank/">Just For Laughs - Sexy Skirt Lift Prank</font></html>
!Sexy Skirt Lift Prank
I know we all seen it a thousand times before, but it is still cute and sexy.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/554483/snow_storm.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/554483/snow_storm/">Snow Storm</a></font></html>
!Sexy Snow Storm
Watch as a scantily clad babe does a little magic and creates snow. Not that this in any way implies that she is frigid.
<html><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/jX7UdxZIGsU"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/jX7UdxZIGsU" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object></html>
Yes, ladies, this is what it would look like if I did a strip tease. Sexy, but with a sense of humor.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/389137/tina_pole_dance.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/389137/tina_pole_dance/">Tina Pole Dance - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
Sexy Tina Pole Dancing extracted from the game "DOAX 2" on Xbox360.
I wonder when Microsoft will start collecting money for lap dances? Seems like it wouldn't take long for them to make more money off that then off Windows.
<html><div><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embed/C76750AF2145425588367F9C625CF132" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="369" wmode="transparent"></embed><br/><a href="http://www.livevideo.com/video/embedLink/C76750AF2145425588367F9C625CF132/140982/sexy-tongue.aspx">Sexy Tongue</a></div></html>
!Sexy Tongue
Girls, if you don't want to take him home there is something wrong with you. Damn, I wonder if he has a brother, or better yet, a sister?
At a busy bus stop in a crowded city, a lovely young lass wearing a tight miniskirt was waiting for the bus.

The bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, and she suddenly became acutely aware that her skirt was entirely too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed -- and with a quick smile to the bus driver -- she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a bit more, and assayed the step a second time. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a wan smile to the driver, she reached behind yet a third time to unzip a little more -- and again was unable to take the step. Without a single word, the artilleryman in dress blues who had been standing behind her picked her up by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic. She turned to her benefactor and yelled, "How *dare* you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The redleg blinked and said, "Well, miss, normally I’d agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I sorta figured we were friends.”
[img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/amberathome00.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/amberathome01.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/amberathome03.jpg]]
!Get a clue guys
If you are going to send me pictures of "yourself" while suggesting I might want to get in a little girl-on-girl cyber sex with you, then I suggest that you do not do the following:
# Use pictures that have a website branded on them (http://AmberAtHome.com)
# Use "~MaleFirstName.~LastName@hotmail.com" as the e-mail address you send them from.
# Suggest that you could hook me up with your husband while you are out of town.
Some of you men are just fricken' clueless.

But hey, at least he turned me on to another hot girl's website.
She bared her body and aroused the animal.
She bared her soul and aroused the human.
But then who can blame her?
<html><embed src="http://vidmax.com/img/vidmax_player.swf" width="450" height="447" bgcolor="#FFFFFF" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"  pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" flashvars="xml=http://vidmax.com/index.php/videos/playlist/&id=1000&autoPlay=true&bg=http://vidmax.com/img/back.jpg" scale="showall" name="index" /></html>
!She's more then he can handle
Watch as this jackass finds out that she is far more then he can handle. Yes, indeed. 
Adds new meaning to the term "Total Package".
!Be a Sheep. Wear it.
Sheep Brand Products is proud to introduce it's new clothing line; Ewe! 2007 will be all about Ewe! What makes Ewe different? We don't just make clothes, we make Futurized Urban Garments (F.U.G). More pockets to hold all you tech toys and hidden tubes to run your wires through. We even have a human powered recharge system that will allow you to charge your iPod & cell phone while walking, running or dancing by using static electricity. Who said polyester wasn't cool!

[<img[http://almostporn.net/images/FUGewe.jpg]]Right now we can't give our stuff away, but once we get some big name stars to wear it we know that you will all want to become Sheep and wear it as well. That is why we are currently in negotiations with some of the top names in the industry to get them to wear our products. Soon if you ask Christinia, 50 Cents, or that Hilton chick about thier clothes they will look at you and say 'F.U.G. Ewe'.  

Our accounting firm asked how we will be able to afford paying $1,000,000 to some big name star. The answer is really quite simple. We know that all of you future Sheep will gladly pay $20 for a t-shirt just like the one that big name star wears. Since it only cost us $1.50 to make the shirt (by employing third world child labor), and we sell it to the stores for $10 that means that we make $8.50 for every shirt. All we need to sell is 18,000 shirts and we have made our money back. Once we get them on to MTV and into Walmart we are guarenteed to sell at least 100,000.

We are also looking to team up with MySpace. That seems like such a natural market for Sheep Brand Products. 

One of our other big marketing moves is to give $50 gift certificates to the head cheerleaders at all high schools in the US. Reasearch shows us that that $50 of advertising on a hawt girl's body will make us more then $1000 in sales over the next 6 months. And each one of the people who buys a shirt or pair of pants is just more advertising for us. And all of that secondary advertising is them paying us for the right to promote our product.

We are also looking at coming out with clubwear under the name ''Mii'' using the Japanese/Sony pronunciation. These will also continue the F.U.G. styling. Keep your ears open for people to be demanding 'F.U.G. Mii' in the near future.
!Be a Sheep. Wear it.
!Shrek & Donkey - Boom Shickey Wawa!
I always knew there was a reason Shrek put up with Donkey. And now with these exclusive pictures from the tabloid headlines the whole world knows.

The site I found this on had rumors on it that this was a scene in Shrek 3, as Shrek & Donkey sneak in to the villain's Halloween party. Personally I find it a little hard to think that Pixar is going to show this to kids. But it would be funny, even if it says that the gay leather crowd is a joke. Now if they can just show Princess Fiona as a submissive....
<<closeAll>><<permaview>><<newTiddler>><<newJournal "DD MMM YYYY">><<saveChanges>><<slider chkSliderOptionsPanel OptionsPanel "options »" "Change TiddlyWiki advanced options">> 

The Lone Ranger is ambushed and captured by an Indian war party.

The Indian Chief Hung Like Horse says, "So you are are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

"I'd like to speak to my horse," responds the Lone Ranger.

The Chief nods, and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear. The loyal horse then gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Chief admits he is impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

Again, the Lone Ranger asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

"I'd like to speak to my horse again, alone," the Lone Rangers replies.

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is once again brought to the Lone Ranger's tend. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square n the eyes and says, "Listen carefully you stupid ass, for the last time, I said: BRING POSSE!" 
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/609149/silvina_luna.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/609149/silvina_luna/">Silvina Luna</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Funny bloopers R us</a></font></html>
!Silvina Luna - Photo shoot
Silvina Luna was in the Argentinian Big Brother, and then made it into modeling.
!Simply Amazing Boobs
I don't know who she is, but I think the title says it all.

See more at: http://www.boobieblog.com/
Since my capture, the aliens occasionally remove my brain and hand it over to a large group of beer swilling sheep. These sheep then proceed to launch my brain, along with many other items, out of a large and powerful potato gun. It is very manly. Their normal target for me is a field filled with women. I believe that they do this in hopes that I will use my latent telepathic abilities (gained in [[Radio in my brain]]) to influence the Scots to quit molesting them, but it is only a guess as they never say anything intelligent, at least where I can hear it.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/411791/sir_mix_a_lot_baby_got_back.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/411791/sir_mix_a_lot_baby_got_back/">Sir-Mix-A-Lot - Baby Got Back - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
!Sir-Mix-A-Lot - Baby Got Back Anime
The best of the 80's with an Anime video. Shake that sexy Butt!
!If you just got here from Google or some other search engine please use the search feature located in the upper right corner.

Click here to find out about [[International Mutual Simultaneous Oral Sex Day]].

When it ain't porn it's AlmostPorn
!She loves her Levis
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Skinny Puppy - Vanilla Ice mashup with a break dance battle.
Should be a hit at the clubs.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/659185/skirt_pranks.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/659185/skirt_pranks/">Skirt Pranks</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>The best video clips are here</a></font></html>
!Skirt Pranks
Watch the fun.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/561854/fly_up_high.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/561854/fly_up_high/">FLY UP HIGH</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Free videos are just a click away</a></font></html>
!Skirts flying high
Oktoberfest in Germany. They give the girls a couple of beers and then watch what happens.
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

The CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back." 

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/458318/small_talk.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/458318/small_talk/">Small Talk</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>The best video clips are right here</a></font></html>
!Small Talk
Much to the surprise and delight of their coworkers, two women's conversation about "self improvement" becomes very touchy-feelly. 
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/442663/smooth_body_perfect_splits.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/442663/smooth_body_perfect_splits/">Smooth Body - Perfect Splits</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>More bloopers are a click away</a></font></html>
!Smooth Body doing a Perfect Split
OK guys, spend a little time with someone you love practicing this move. The rewards are worth it.
If you are single, practice it as well. If you can do this move, they are going to be interested in what else you can do.
One winter morning, a husband and wife in northern Colorado were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later, while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week, they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blonds exhibit, the husband replied, "Considering the amount of snow they're expecting, I doubt it'll make much difference. Why don't you just leave it in the garage?"
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma "

Yes ladies, he was a blond.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..." 

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? 
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... 

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

Q: Why do little boys whine? 
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? 
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
!Something good to eat
I see what I want to eat. What about you?
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/627380/good_man.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/627380/good_man/">Good Man</a></font></html>
!Sometimes we all need help
And my office could use someone to come in and teach the hotties to be a little less...formal.

SooSo (pronounced ~Sue-Sew) stands for ''Significant Other's Other Significant Other''.
It is a word that was invented by Ken Girard so that he could describe his relationship with his Significant Other's Other Significant Other to mundanes and not have them get all confused. OK, so they still get confused, but they don't really try to figure it out.
A 75-year-old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing."

The old man continued, "She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with he teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar opened!"
<html><object width="410" height="347"><param name="movie" value="http://www.gotuit.com/player/eplayer.swf"></param><param name="FlashVars" value="c=Music&p=77649&s=1382971&o=gotuitEmbed"></param><embed src="http://www.gotuit.com//player/eplayer.swf" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="410" height="347" FlashVars="c=Music&p=77649&s=1382971&o=gotuitEmbed"></embed></object></html>
Do I like Spinal Tap? Hell yeah! Enough that I have the [[TagglyTagCloud (SpinalTap version)]] installed. It goes all the way up to 11!
<html><div><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embed/94647135D2C543628EA62CD87FD95626" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="369" wmode="transparent"></embed><br/><a href="http://www.livevideo.com/video/embedLink/94647135D2C543628EA62CD87FD95626/121548/spring-break-beach-video.aspx">spring break beach video</a></div></html>
!Spring Break Beach Video
What these young men do is wrong. Just wrong I say.
<html><div><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embed/F0003144E9654EAE89C3AD012D0B8E09" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" wmode="transparent" height="369" width="445"><div style="clear: both; padding-bottom: 0.25em;"></div></html>
!Spring Break Bikini Contest - 2007
Sexy women in the smallest outfits they can find. What is there not to love about this?
The following is the script for our very first commercial. Please let us know what you think.

Ring! Ring! (Sound of a phone)


"Hi, Columbia. Can we talk?"

"Hey, Janet. What's wrong?"

"Oh, Columbia, its Brad. I guess the honeymoon is over. All he does anymore is sit around in his underwear downloading porn and chatting in the 'Mommy's Little Boy' chat rooms. The adventure is gone from our lives. I've even tried parading around in lingerie and all it did was get him to want to talk about the old times."

"Oh, I remember when me and Meat had that same problem. But then I got Spunky."


"Spunky is this great all natural face and body lotion that is chock full of protein and vitamin E. And it's edible. The textures a little odd, but it is yummy! And it is great for your nails. Now a-days as soon as I come home I strip out of my uniform while Meat gets out his big can, pumps it up and sprays Spunky all over me. Feel how soft and smooth it has made my breast and face! Sometimes some gets in my hair but it is good for your hair as well so I just leave it in. He rubs it in on my backside, but loves watching while I rub it in all over the rest of me. And if he gets too much on me I just lick it up. By the time we are done I feel all warm and tingley."

"Wow, I wish I could get Brad to pay that kind of attention to me. Where can I get some Spunky?"

"I'll have to ask Meat. Say why not come over right now. I am sure that Meat wouldn't mind spraying some Spunky all over you and I'll help you rub it in."

"Sounds great, I'll be right over."

Announcer Guy - "Spunky is readily available in most locations. Due to the organic nature of Spunky the size of the container is not a good indicator of the amount of Spunky contained with-in. Spunky may cause stains on some materials like sheets, carpets, couches, car seats and blue dresses. Always use caution when dealing with Spunky and only use it from a trusted source. Try to avoid getting it in your eyes."
!St Louis MO Peace Sign
This picture was taken in St. Louis, MO on top of a building. One of my friends is in the picture. No, I am not going to tell you which one, but she was surprised that the photo came out with such detail on the cover of the Riverfront Times magazine. It was about 12x18 inches. We had no problem picking her out. Neither did anyone else that knew her... 
"Honey, is that our neighbor?"
"Why I think it is. Nice tits."
"I didn't know she had a tattoo."
The St. Louis Pirate Fest runs weekends from September 11 - September 26.
So get your Pirate on, and come help us find a large chest and some nice booty. AAARRRRR!

<html><a href="http://stlpiratefest.com/" target="_blank">Go to the website for a coupon</a></html>
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/459283/star_troopers_from_nagaland.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/459283/star_troopers_from_nagaland/">Star Troopers From Nagaland</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Funny bloopers R us</a></font></html>
!Star Wars Storm Troopers From Nagaland
What Star Wars would have looked like with a $500.00 budget. OK, actually it is not bad for a home made movie. But to see the really good one go see [[Troops|http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMcSqkazuso]]. It is a Star Wars parody of Cops that tells the really story of what happen on Tatooine. 
"Bad boys, bad boys. What'cha gonna do? What'cha gonna do when they come for you?"
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[[Click to see who links to AlmostPorn.net|http://www.wholinks2me.com/]]

<html><iframe frameborder="0" scrolling="no" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" height="60px" width="120px" src="http://widget.quantcast.com/almostporn.net/3"></iframe></html> Damn, how the mighty have fallen. For most of the first 6 months of 2007 we were in the top 300k. Now look at us.

Webpage Last Updated: <<date filedate "DDD, MMM DDth, YYYY at 0hh:0mm:0ss">>
[img[What_theDuck in his fortress of solitude|http://no-sin.com/images/Archon/Archon05/images/dscn2077.jpg]] 

People getting into less and less.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/516269/strip_poker.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/516269/strip_poker/">Strip Poker</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Watch a funny movie here</a></font></html>
!Strip Poker - 3 Aces
The guys have 3 aces, while the ladies are showing two pairs. I think we are all winners with this one.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/394160/stripped.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/394160/stripped/">Stripped - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>

This is the same woman you were cybering with last night, isn't it?
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/467449/stripper.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/467449/stripper/">Stripper</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Watch today’s top amazing videos here</a></font></html>
!Stripper - PSA
Powerful commercial for breast cancer awareness. Anyone can get breast cancer. 
I know, as my mother died from it. And it is nice to see a survivor feel good enough about herself to be all erotic like that. 
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 border: none; background:transparent; text-decoration:underline; color:#014;

.tagged .highlight, .tagged .marked, .tagged a.button:active {text-decoration:underline; background:transparent; color:#014;}

.tagging .button, .tagged .button {

.selected .tagging .button, .selected .tagged .button {

.viewer blockquote {
 border-left:7px solid #ebeef1;

.viewer table {
 border: 1px solid #3371a3;

.viewer th, thead td {
 background: #3371a3;
 border: 1px solid #3371a3;
 color: #fff;

.viewer td, .viewer tr {
 border: 1px solid #3371a3;

.editor input, .editor textarea {
 border: 1px solid #1d65bc; background:#ebeef1;

.editor {padding-top:0.3em;}

.editor textarea:focus, .editor input:focus {
 border: 1px inset #3371a3; background:#fff;

.popup {
 background: #3371a3;
 border: 1px solid #333;

.popup hr {
 color: #333;
 background: #333;
 border-bottom: 1px;

.popup li.disabled {
 color: #333;

.popup li a, .popup li a:visited {
 color: #eee;
 border: none;

.popup li a:hover {
 background: #3371a3;
 color: #fff;
 border: none;

.viewer .button:active, .viewer .marked, .viewer .highlight {
color: #fff !important;
background: #3371a3;
border: 0;

.button:active {background:#1d65bc; border:0;}

#sidebar .button:active, #sidebar .marked, #sidebar .highlight {color:#014; background:transparent;text-decoration:none}

#messageArea {
 border: 2px dashed #3371a3;
 background: #dbdee3;
 color: #fff;

#messageArea .button {
 color: #1d65bc;
 background: #ebeef1;

#messageArea a.button {color:#1d65bc;}

#messageArea .button:hover {text-decoration:underline;}

.viewer .tabSelected, .viewer .tabSelected:hover{
 color: #014;
 background: #eee;
 border-left: 1px solid #B2B6BE;
 border-top: 1px solid #B2B6BE;
 border-right: 1px solid #B2B6BE;

.viewer .tabUnselected, .viewer .tabUnselected:hover {
 color: #fff;
 background: #B2B6BE;

. viewer .tabContents {
 color: #014;
 background: #ebeef1;
 border: 1px solid #B2B6BE;

.searchBar {font-size:0.9em; float: left;}
.searchBar .button {display:block; border:none; color:#ccc;}
.searchBar .button:hover{border:none; color:#eee;}

.searchBar input{
 border: 1px inset #1d65bc; background:#dbdee3;

.searchBar input:focus {
 border: 1px inset #3371a3; background:#fff;

.blog h2, .blog h3, .blog h4{
.blog {margin-left:1.5em;}  

.blog .excerpt {
  padding: 0;
  border-left:1px solid #ddd;

#tiddlerWhatsNew h1, #tiddlerWhatsNew h2 {border-bottom:none;}
div[tags~="RecentUpdates"], div[tags~="lewcidExtension"] {margin-bottom: 2em;}

#topMenu .fontResizer {float:right;}

#topMenu .fontResizer .button{border:1px solid #3371A3;}
#topMenu .fontResizer .button:hover {border:1px solid #fff; color:#3371A3;}
#sidebarTabs .txtMainTab .tiddlyLinkExisting {
 font-weight: normal;
 font-style: normal;

#sidebarTabs .txtMoreTab .tiddlyLinkExisting {
 font-weight: bold;
 font-style: normal;
@media print {
#mainMenu, #sidebar, #messageArea, #breadCrumbs, #topMenu, #hoverMenu, #backstage, #backstageButton, #backstageArea, .toolbar, .siteSubtitle, .siteTitle, .header  {display: none ! important;}
#displayArea {margin: 1em 1em 0em 1em;}
/* Fixes a feature in Firefox where print preview displays the noscript content */
noscript {display:none;}
#tiddlerDisplay {border:1px solid #CCC;-moz-border-radius:0.5em}
.tabCloseButton {padding : 0 2px 0 2px ; margin : 0 0 0 4px; font-size:0.75em; vertical-align:top}
.tabUnselected .tabCloseButton {border : 1px solid #BBB; background-color : #DDD; color:#888}
.tabSelected .tabCloseButton {border : 1px solid #EEE; background-color : #D87443; color:#FFF}
.tabCloseButton:hover {color:#A00; background-color:#F0F0F0}
#tiddlersBar {padding : 1em 0em 0 0em}
#tiddlersBar .button {border:0; color:#444}
#tiddlersBar .tab {padding : 0.4em 0.5em 0.2em 0.5em; -moz-border-radius-topleft:0.5em;-moz-border-radius-topright:0.5em}
#tiddlersBar .tabSelected {background-color: #f1e5d9; color: #CC6633; border-top: 1px solid #000; border-right: 1px solid #000; border-bottom: 1px solid #f1e5d9; border-left: 1px solid #000; }
#tiddlersBar .tabUnselected {background-color :#EEE; padding : 0.4em 0.5em 0.1em 0.5em;}
#tiddlersBar .tabUnselected .button {color:#AAA;font-weight:bold;font-style:italic;}
#tiddlersBar .tabSelected .button {color:#CC6633;font-weight:bold;}
Bouncing around on the Internet I found the following [[hymn|http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/m/a/makecapt.htm]]:
''Make Me A Captive, Lord''

Make me a captive, Lord, and then I shall be free.
Force me to render up my sword, and I shall conqueror be.
I sink in life’s alarms when by myself I stand;
Imprison me within Thine arms, and strong shall be my hand.

My heart is weak and poor until it master find;
It has no spring of action sure, it varies with the wind.
It cannot freely move till Thou has wrought its chain;
Enslave it with Thy matchless love, and deathless it shall reign.

My power is faint and low till I have learned to serve;
It lacks the needed fire to glow, it lacks the breeze to nerve.
It cannot drive the world until itself be driven;
Its flag can only be unfurled when Thou shalt breathe from heaven.

My will is not my own till Thou hast made it Thine;
If it would reach a monarch’s throne, it must its crown resign.
It only stands unbent amid the clashing strife,
When on Thy bosom it has leant, and found in Thee its life.
I have read dozens of poems covering the same feelings and idea in the blogs of submissives.
Makes one wonder what the writer was really thinking about when he was at church. Maybe all those [[submissive women|The Silent Power of Submission]] and boys kneeling down before him?

<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/150266/sucking_on_a_banana.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/150266/sucking_on_a_banana/">Sucking On A Banana</a></font></html>
!Sucking On A Banana
Sexy Roselyn Sanchez sucking on a banana. This is from the movie Boat Trip. Very sexy.

Also see the [[Top 5 Rules of how to eat a banana]]
<html><embed flashVars="playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/375532/surprise_your_mechanics.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/375532/surprise_your_mechanics/">Surprise Your Mechanics! - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
I know of mechanics that would do this, and personally I think she let them off lightly.
Guy I worked for briefly told someone he rebuilt their motor, when all he did was steam clean it, change gaskets, paint it, slap some new crankshaft bearings in. Charge then $800. I quit that day. 
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/91669/striptease.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/91669/striptease/">Striptease</a></font></html>
!Susana Reche doing a striptease
Drop dead gorgeous Susana Reche doing a striptease that should have set the stage on fire.
<<tagglyTagCloud excludeSearch excludeLists>>
|Description:|tagglyTagging macro is a replacement for the builtin tagging macro in your ViewTemplate|
|Author:|Simon Baird <simon.baird@gmail.com>|
See http://mptw.tiddlyspot.com/#TagglyTagging


  parseTagExpr: function(debug) {

    if (this.trim() == "")
      return "(true)";

    var anyLogicOp = /(!|&&|\|\||\(|\))/g;
    var singleLogicOp = /^(!|&&|\|\||\(|\))$/;

    var spaced = this.
      // because square brackets in templates are no good
      // this means you can use [(With Spaces)] instead of [[With Spaces]]
      replace(/\[\(/g," [[").
      replace(/\)\]/g,"]] ").
      // space things out so we can use readBracketedList. tricky eh?
      replace(anyLogicOp," $1 ");

    var expr = "";

    var tokens = spaced.readBracketedList(false); // false means don't uniq the list. nice one JR!

    for (var i=0;i<tokens.length;i++)
      if (tokens[i].match(singleLogicOp))
        expr += tokens[i];
        expr += "tiddler.tags.contains('%0')".format([tokens[i].replace(/'/,"\\'")]); // fix single quote bug. still have round bracket bug i think

    if (debug)

    return '('+expr+')';


  getTiddlersByTagExpr: function(tagExpr,sortField) {

    var result = [];

    var expr = tagExpr.parseTagExpr();

    store.forEachTiddler(function(title,tiddler) {
      if (eval(expr))

      sortField = "title";

    result.sort(function(a,b) {return a[sortField] < b[sortField] ? -1 : (a[sortField] == b[sortField] ? 0 : +1);});

    return result;

config.taggly = {

  // for translations
  lingo: {
    labels: {
      asc:        "\u2191", // down arrow
      desc:       "\u2193", // up arrow
      title:      "title",
      modified:   "modified",
      created:    "created",
      show:       "+",
      hide:       "-",
      normal:     "normal",
      group:      "group",
      commas:     "commas",
      sitemap:    "sitemap",
      numCols:    "cols\u00b1", // plus minus sign
      label:      "Tagged as '%0':",
      exprLabel:  "Matching tag expression '%0':",
      excerpts:   "excerpts",
      descr:      "descr",
      slices:     "slices",
      contents:   "contents",
      sliders:    "sliders",
      noexcerpts: "title only",
      noneFound:  "(none)"

    tooltips: {
      title:      "Click to sort by title",
      modified:   "Click to sort by modified date",
      created:    "Click to sort by created date",
      show:       "Click to show tagging list",
      hide:       "Click to hide tagging list",
      normal:     "Click to show a normal ungrouped list",
      group:      "Click to show list grouped by tag",
      sitemap:    "Click to show a sitemap style list",
      commas:     "Click to show a comma separated list",
      numCols:    "Click to change number of columns",
      excerpts:   "Click to show excerpts",
      descr:      "Click to show the description slice",
      slices:     "Click to show all slices",
      contents:   "Click to show entire tiddler contents",
      sliders:    "Click to show tiddler contents in sliders",
      noexcerpts: "Click to show entire title only"

    tooDeepMessage: "* //sitemap too deep...//"

  config: {
    showTaggingCounts: true,
    listOpts: {
      // the first one will be the default
      sortBy:     ["title","modified","created"],
      sortOrder:  ["asc","desc"],
      hideState:  ["show","hide"],
      listMode:   ["normal","group","sitemap","commas"],
      numCols:    ["1","2","3","4","5","6"],
      excerpts:   ["noexcerpts","excerpts","descr","slices","contents","sliders"]
    valuePrefix: "taggly.",
    excludeTags: ["excludeLists","excludeTagging"],
    excerptSize: 50,
    excerptMarker: "/%"+"%/",
    siteMapDepthLimit: 25

  getTagglyOpt: function(title,opt) {
    var val = store.getValue(title,this.config.valuePrefix+opt);
    return val ? val : this.config.listOpts[opt][0];

  setTagglyOpt: function(title,opt,value) {
    // create it silently if it doesn't exist
    if (!store.tiddlerExists(title)) {
      store.saveTiddler(title,title,config.views.editor.defaultText.format([title]),config.options.txtUserName,new Date(),"");

      // <<tagglyTagging expr:"...">> creates a tiddler to store its display settings
      // Make those tiddlers less noticeable by tagging as excludeSearch and excludeLists
      // Because we don't want to hide real tags, check that they aren't actually tags before doing so
      // Also tag them as tagglyExpression for manageability
      // (contributed by RA)
      if (!store.getTaggedTiddlers(title).length) {

    // if value is default then remove it to save space
    return store.setValue(title, this.config.valuePrefix+opt, value == this.config.listOpts[opt][0] ? null : value);

  getNextValue: function(title,opt) {
    var current = this.getTagglyOpt(title,opt);
    var pos = this.config.listOpts[opt].indexOf(current);
    // supposed to automagically don't let cols cycle up past the number of items
    // currently broken in some situations, eg when using an expression
    // lets fix it later when we rewrite for jquery
    // the columns thing should be jquery table manipulation probably
    var limit = (opt == "numCols" ? store.getTaggedTiddlers(title).length : this.config.listOpts[opt].length);
    var newPos = (pos + 1) % limit;
    return this.config.listOpts[opt][newPos];

  toggleTagglyOpt: function(title,opt) {
    var newVal = this.getNextValue(title,opt);

  createListControl: function(place,title,type) {
    var lingo = config.taggly.lingo;
    var label;
    var tooltip;
    var onclick;

    if ((type == "title" || type == "modified" || type == "created")) {
      // "special" controls. a little tricky. derived from sortOrder and sortBy
      label = lingo.labels[type];
      tooltip = lingo.tooltips[type];

      if (this.getTagglyOpt(title,"sortBy") == type) {
        label += lingo.labels[this.getTagglyOpt(title,"sortOrder")];
        onclick = function() {
          return false;
      else {
        onclick = function() {
          return false;
    else {
      // "regular" controls, nice and simple
      label = lingo.labels[type == "numCols" ? type : this.getNextValue(title,type)];
      tooltip = lingo.tooltips[type == "numCols" ? type : this.getNextValue(title,type)];
      onclick = function() {
        return false;

    // hide button because commas don't have columns
    if (!(this.getTagglyOpt(title,"listMode") == "commas" && type == "numCols"))
      createTiddlyButton(place,label,tooltip,onclick,type == "hideState" ? "hidebutton" : "button");

  makeColumns: function(orig,numCols) {
    var listSize = orig.length;
    var colSize = listSize/numCols;
    var remainder = listSize % numCols;

    var upperColsize = colSize;
    var lowerColsize = colSize;

    if (colSize != Math.floor(colSize)) {
      // it's not an exact fit so..
      upperColsize = Math.floor(colSize) + 1;
      lowerColsize = Math.floor(colSize);

    var output = [];
    var c = 0;
    for (var j=0;j<numCols;j++) {
      var singleCol = [];
      var thisSize = j < remainder ? upperColsize : lowerColsize;
      for (var i=0;i<thisSize;i++)

    return output;

  drawTable: function(place,columns,theClass) {
    var newTable = createTiddlyElement(place,"table",null,theClass);
    var newTbody = createTiddlyElement(newTable,"tbody");
    var newTr = createTiddlyElement(newTbody,"tr");
    for (var j=0;j<columns.length;j++) {
      var colOutput = "";
      for (var i=0;i<columns[j].length;i++)
        colOutput += columns[j][i];
      var newTd = createTiddlyElement(newTr,"td",null,"tagglyTagging"); // todo should not need this class
    return newTable;

  createTagglyList: function(place,title,isTagExpr) {
    switch(this.getTagglyOpt(title,"listMode")) {
      case "group":  return this.createTagglyListGrouped(place,title,isTagExpr); break;
      case "normal": return this.createTagglyListNormal(place,title,false,isTagExpr); break;
      case "commas": return this.createTagglyListNormal(place,title,true,isTagExpr); break;
      case "sitemap":return this.createTagglyListSiteMap(place,title,isTagExpr); break;

  getTaggingCount: function(title,isTagExpr) {
    // thanks to Doug Edmunds
    if (this.config.showTaggingCounts) {
      var tagCount = config.taggly.getTiddlers(title,'title',isTagExpr).length;
      if (tagCount > 0)
        return " ("+tagCount+")";
    return "";

  getTiddlers: function(titleOrExpr,sortBy,isTagExpr) {
    return isTagExpr ? store.getTiddlersByTagExpr(titleOrExpr,sortBy) : store.getTaggedTiddlers(titleOrExpr,sortBy);

  getExcerpt: function(inTiddlerTitle,title,indent) {
    if (!indent)
      indent = 1;

    var displayMode = this.getTagglyOpt(inTiddlerTitle,"excerpts");
    var t = store.getTiddler(title);

    if (t && displayMode == "excerpts") {
      var text = t.text.replace(/\n/," ");
      var marker = text.indexOf(this.config.excerptMarker);
      if (marker != -1) {
        return " {{excerpt{<nowiki>" + text.substr(0,marker) + "</nowiki>}}}";
      else if (text.length < this.config.excerptSize) {
        return " {{excerpt{<nowiki>" + t.text + "</nowiki>}}}";
      else {
        return " {{excerpt{<nowiki>" + t.text.substr(0,this.config.excerptSize) + "..." + "</nowiki>}}}";
    else if (t && displayMode == "contents") {
      return "\n{{contents indent"+indent+"{\n" + t.text + "\n}}}";
    else if (t && displayMode == "sliders") {
      return "<slider slide>\n{{contents{\n" + t.text + "\n}}}\n</slider>";
    else if (t && displayMode == "descr") {
      var descr = store.getTiddlerSlice(title,'Description');
      return descr ? " {{excerpt{" + descr  + "}}}" : "";
    else if (t && displayMode == "slices") {
      var result = "";
      var slices = store.calcAllSlices(title);
      for (var s in slices)
        result += "|%0|<nowiki>%1</nowiki>|\n".format([s,slices[s]]);
      return result ? "\n{{excerpt excerptIndent{\n" + result  + "}}}" : "";
    return "";

  notHidden: function(t,inTiddler) {
    if (typeof t == "string")
      t = store.getTiddler(t);
    return (!t || !t.tags.containsAny(this.config.excludeTags) ||
        (inTiddler && this.config.excludeTags.contains(inTiddler)));

  // this is for normal and commas mode
  createTagglyListNormal: function(place,title,useCommas,isTagExpr) {

    var list = config.taggly.getTiddlers(title,this.getTagglyOpt(title,"sortBy"),isTagExpr);

    if (this.getTagglyOpt(title,"sortOrder") == "desc")
      list = list.reverse();

    var output = [];
    var first = true;
    for (var i=0;i<list.length;i++) {
      if (this.notHidden(list[i],title)) {
        var countString = this.getTaggingCount(list[i].title);
        var excerpt = this.getExcerpt(title,list[i].title);
        if (useCommas)
          output.push((first ? "" : ", ") + "[[" + list[i].title + "]]" + countString + excerpt);
          output.push("*[[" + list[i].title + "]]" + countString + excerpt + "\n");

        first = false;

    return this.drawTable(place,
      this.makeColumns(output,useCommas ? 1 : parseInt(this.getTagglyOpt(title,"numCols"))),
      useCommas ? "commas" : "normal");

  // this is for the "grouped" mode
  createTagglyListGrouped: function(place,title,isTagExpr) {
    var sortBy = this.getTagglyOpt(title,"sortBy");
    var sortOrder = this.getTagglyOpt(title,"sortOrder");

    var list = config.taggly.getTiddlers(title,sortBy,isTagExpr);

    if (sortOrder == "desc")
      list = list.reverse();

    var leftOvers = []
    for (var i=0;i<list.length;i++)

    var allTagsHolder = {};
    for (var i=0;i<list.length;i++) {
      for (var j=0;j<list[i].tags.length;j++) {

        if (list[i].tags[j] != title) { // not this tiddler

          if (this.notHidden(list[i].tags[j],title)) {

            if (!allTagsHolder[list[i].tags[j]])
              allTagsHolder[list[i].tags[j]] = "";

            if (this.notHidden(list[i],title)) {
              allTagsHolder[list[i].tags[j]] += "**[["+list[i].title+"]]"
                    + this.getTaggingCount(list[i].title) + this.getExcerpt(title,list[i].title) + "\n";

              leftOvers.setItem(list[i].title,-1); // remove from leftovers. at the end it will contain the leftovers


    var allTags = [];
    for (var t in allTagsHolder)

    var sortHelper = function(a,b) {
      if (a == b) return 0;
      if (a < b) return -1;
      return 1;

    allTags.sort(function(a,b) {
      var tidA = store.getTiddler(a);
      var tidB = store.getTiddler(b);
      if (sortBy == "title") return sortHelper(a,b);
      else if (!tidA && !tidB) return 0;
      else if (!tidA) return -1;
      else if (!tidB) return +1;
      else return sortHelper(tidA[sortBy],tidB[sortBy]);

    var leftOverOutput = "";
    for (var i=0;i<leftOvers.length;i++)
      if (this.notHidden(leftOvers[i],title))
        leftOverOutput += "*[["+leftOvers[i]+"]]" + this.getTaggingCount(leftOvers[i]) + this.getExcerpt(title,leftOvers[i]) + "\n";

    var output = [];

    if (sortOrder == "desc")
    else if (leftOverOutput != "")
      // leftovers first...

    for (var i=0;i<allTags.length;i++)
      if (allTagsHolder[allTags[i]] != "")
        output.push("*[["+allTags[i]+"]]" + this.getTaggingCount(allTags[i]) + this.getExcerpt(title,allTags[i]) + "\n" + allTagsHolder[allTags[i]]);

    if (sortOrder == "desc" && leftOverOutput != "")
      // leftovers last...

    return this.drawTable(place,


  // used to build site map
  treeTraverse: function(title,depth,sortBy,sortOrder,isTagExpr) {

    var list = config.taggly.getTiddlers(title,sortBy,isTagExpr);

    if (sortOrder == "desc")

    var indent = "";
    for (var j=0;j<depth;j++)
      indent += "*"

    var childOutput = "";

    if (depth > this.config.siteMapDepthLimit)
      childOutput += indent + this.lingo.tooDeepMessage + "\n";
      for (var i=0;i<list.length;i++)
        if (list[i].title != title)
          if (this.notHidden(list[i].title,this.config.inTiddler))
            childOutput += this.treeTraverse(list[i].title,depth+1,sortBy,sortOrder,false);

    if (depth == 0)
      return childOutput;
      return indent + "[["+title+"]]" + this.getTaggingCount(title) + this.getExcerpt(this.config.inTiddler,title,depth) + "\n" + childOutput;

  // this if for the site map mode
  createTagglyListSiteMap: function(place,title,isTagExpr) {
    this.config.inTiddler = title; // nasty. should pass it in to traverse probably
    var output = this.treeTraverse(title,0,this.getTagglyOpt(title,"sortBy"),this.getTagglyOpt(title,"sortOrder"),isTagExpr);
    return this.drawTable(place,
        this.makeColumns(output.split(/(?=^\*\[)/m),parseInt(this.getTagglyOpt(title,"numCols"))), // regexp magic

  macros: {
    tagglyTagging: {
      handler: function (place,macroName,params,wikifier,paramString,tiddler) {
        var parsedParams = paramString.parseParams("tag",null,true);
        var refreshContainer = createTiddlyElement(place,"div");

        // do some refresh magic to make it keep the list fresh - thanks Saq

        var tag = getParam(parsedParams,"tag");
        var expr = getParam(parsedParams,"expr");

        if (expr) {
        else {
          if (tag) {
          else {

      refresh: function(place) {
        var title = place.getAttribute("title");
        var isTagExpr = place.getAttribute("isTagExpr") == "true";
        var showEmpty = place.getAttribute("showEmpty") == "true";
        var countFound = config.taggly.getTiddlers(title,'title',isTagExpr).length
        if (countFound > 0 || showEmpty) {
          var lingo = config.taggly.lingo;
          if (config.taggly.getTagglyOpt(title,"hideState") == "show") {
                isTagExpr ? lingo.labels.exprLabel.format([title]) : lingo.labels.label.format([title]));
            if (countFound == 0 && showEmpty)

  // todo fix these up a bit
  styles: [
"/* created by TagglyTaggingPlugin */",
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By Saq Imtiaz

// syntax adjusted to not clash with NestedSlidersPlugin
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<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/673583/tanga_fashion.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/673583/tanga_fashion/">Tanga Fashion</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>The funniest bloopers are right here</a></font></html>
!Tanga Fashion
A look at all the great thong fashions as modeled by some nice looking ladies.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/602087/tattoo_remover.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/602087/tattoo_remover/">Tattoo Remover</a></font></html>
!Tattoo Remover
Trulington Tattoo Remover will help you remove that sexy lower back tattoo. Lose it now before it gets a chance to sag.
!Teacher's Pet
Mandy went on Spring Break in Cancun, Mexico. As you can see, every time she does something good in class her teacher gives her a star. At this rate she will be done with college in 2 weeks.
Here is a couple of the girls she hung out with while there.
She says they were real nice and made sure she got lots of tequila and sex. Some times they even let her see boys.
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!Tenacious D - A Very Special Thing
Also see [[Tenacious D - The Greatest Song In The World]]
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!Tenacious D - The Greatest Song In The World
This is not the greatest song in the world. It is just a tribute.
From Episode 4

Also see [[Tenacious D - A Very Special Thing]]
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!Terminator Meets Jesus (MadTV)
This summer the meek shall inherit the action in the greatest action story ever told.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/517360/so_close_to_heaven.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/517360/so_close_to_heaven/">So Close To Heaven</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>The best bloopers are here</a></font></html>
!Tetled: The Berlin Affair
This movie stars Gudrun Landgrebe, Mio takaki, and Kevin McNally. It is a 1985 remake of the 1964 film Japanese film Manji.

In this version the wife of a high ranking Nazi official falls in love with the Daughter of the Japanese ambassador to Berlin in 1938.

There's galloping sexuality, drug use, blackmail and tragedy in this lavishly produced story.
May you never suffer from to little breast on Thanksgiving, or any other time of the year, for that matter.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/631275/the_n_word.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/631275/the_n_word/">The "N" Word</a></font></html>
!The "N" Word
A study on racial semantics that flies fantastically off the rails.
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours
when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
!The Babysitter
She knows how to take care of kids and put on a show for the neighborhood.
A lovely couple who talk openly about their love of each other.
They also have some nice pictures, and good advice on how to keep the other people in your life happy, including ''Cockwhore 101''.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/552396/the_girl_in_black.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/552396/the_girl_in_black/">The Girl In Black</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>The funniest videos clips are here</a></font></html>
!The Girl In Black
This girl is dressed to kill in little more then black ribbon. Makes me want to unwrap that present so I can play with my new toy.

Really interesting read about the girl who...
Well, did a lot of interesting stuff.
!Weekends from May 17 thru June 7, 2008 in Wentzville, MO
Beer, cider, music, turkey legs, sexy wenches in corsets, pirates, damsels in distress, rouges, belly dancers, knights jousting and you. Do I need to say more?
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!The Inappropriate Yoga Guy
Watch as Ogden creates awkward situations in yoga studios throughout the San Fernando Valley. But it is OK folks, he is in the teacher training program. 
Starring Avi Rothman and Brittney Kara. Directed by Greg Thanos. 
Special thanks to www.GardenOfYoga.com!
Yes, it really does say "The Incredible Edible Anus". I have to ask though, what is the filling in the center? Wait, don't tell me. I am fairly sure I don't want to know. 

Rumor is that they used a professional model for the casting. It does look very real, but can you picture having that listed on your resume? "Yep, that is mine. It is the most famous one on the planet....well, after George W. Bush."
They even have a website: http://edibleanus.com/
Penn Jillette, of Penn & Teller, has a patent. And it is a patent on a subject that most of us would be eager to investigate: The [[JillJet|http://www.google.com/patents?vid=USPAT5920923&id=B1cZAAAAEBAJ&dq=%235920923]].
|Patent number: 5920923|
|Filing date: Jan 9, 1998|
|Issue date: Jul 13, 1999|
|Inventor: Penn Jillette|
|Current U.S. Classification 45411; 45413; 45416|
|International Classification ~A47K 300|

His amazing idea? He placed a water jet in the seat of a hot tub. Then he sat a girl on the jet. In his own words it "makes a woman come as if she's pulling six g's while straddling a rock-hard naked Blue Angel in a fireman's hat".

Thats right he got a patent for something women have been doing as long as hot tubs have had jets. Hell, I'd bet that women have been using waterfalls or any other source of fast moving water since time began for just this use. But he was the first to apply for a patent on it. Well, he did add a vibrator to the seat, but other then that it is nothing new. 

How does the Patent Office list this?
A spa of a type including a tub for holding water and a user, in particular, a female user. The spa has a seat for supporting the female user in a seated position, a circulation pump having an inlet connected to the tub for drawing water from the tub, and an outlet connected to the tub for discharging the drawn water back to the tub. A discharge nozzle is located within the tub and connected to the outlet, mounted to the seat so that the discharged water from the circulation pump automatically aligns with and is directed to stimulation points (e.g., the clitoris) of the female user when the female user sits in the seat.
What is claimed is:
# A spa of the type including a tub for holding water and a female user, said female user having stimulation points, said spa comprising:
**a seat for supporting said female user in a seated position, said seat having a generally horizontal portion and a rearwardly positioned seatback;
**a circulation pump having an inlet connected to said tub for drawing water from said tub, and an outlet connected to said tub for discharging said drawn water back to said tub; and
**a discharge nozzle located within said tub and connected to said outlet, said discharge nozzle being located within said horizontal portion of said seat and being adapted to discharge water rearwardly with respect to said horizontal portion from said outlet directly to said stimulation points of said female user when said female user is seated within said seat.
#The spa according to claim 1, further comprising a water heater for heating water located within said tub.
#The spa according to claim 1, further comprising a water aerator in fluid communication with said outlet so that said discharged water includes aeration.
#The spa according to claim 3, further comprising a controller for controlling the amount of aeration introduced to said discharged water.
#The spa according to claim 1, wherein said discharge nozzle is formed integrally with said seat of said tub.
#The spa according to claim 1, further comprising a filter assembly that filters said discharge water.
#The spa according to claim 1, further comprising a vibration generator adjacent to said seat, said vibration generator being adapted to selectively transmit vibration energy through said seat to said female user seated within said seat to stimulate said stimulation points.

All I know is that every woman on the planet wants one.

Edit by Pan_theFrog: I just found out that Penn has alluded to living a polyamorous lifestyle while on the Adam Carolla radio show. Wow, maybe he really is a genius.
Mind you I found out about this because someone found this website by doing a search on Google for "penn jillette adam carolla polyamory" and the first link is http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penn_Jillette (Almostporn comes in at number 10)
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/451585/the_lifestyle_and_you_joining_the_lifestyle.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/451585/the_lifestyle_and_you_joining_the_lifestyle/">The Lifestyle And You - Joining The Lifestyle</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>For more funny videos, click here</a></font></html>
!The Lifestyle And You - Joining The Swinging Lifestyle
This had me rolling. It makes good fun of the stereotypes, but hits home on how many folks view swingers.
<html><a href="http://www.coupledoingit.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.coupledoingit.com/images/coupledoingitBanner1.gif" alt="www.coupledoingit.com" width="300" height="148" border="0"></a></html>
<html><embed id='vidilife_movie' name='vidilife_movie' width='502' height='416' src='http://www.vidiLife.com/flash/flvplayer.swf?autoStart=0&popup=1&video=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2EvidiLife%2Ecom%2Fmedia%2Fflash%5Fapi%2Ecfm%3Fid%3DC0CA145A%252D49C2%252D436F%252D96FD%252D1%26version%3D8' quality='high' bgcolor='white' play='true' loop='false' allowScriptAccess='sameDomain' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' pluginspage='http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer'></embed><img src='http://www.vidiLife.com/reloc.cfm?cryp=011-C0CA145A-49C2-436F-96FD-1' width='1' height='1'  border='0'><br /><strong><a href='http://www.vidiLife.com/reloc.cfm?cryp=012-C0CA145A-49C2-436F-96FD-1'>Free Video Hosting</a></strong></html>
!The Male Stripper and Ganny
Anyone remember "Where's the beef"?
<html><span><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embed/DD3EE9CC5DFB46D48E940233B26C2D45" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="405" wmode="transparent"></embed><br/><a href="http://www.livevideo.com/video/embedLink/DD3EE9CC5DFB46D48E940233B26C2D45/30361/morning-after.aspx">morning after</a></span></html>
Yep, at some point you need a good friend to tell you that you have had enough...rather then run the camera.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/252136/whats_on_his_mind.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/252136/whats_on_his_mind/">What's On His Mind? - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
They first say hi and the two girls start talking about the girl who made a scene at the party last night after catching her boyfriend banging some other guy, or something like that. The guy gets lost in thought looking at that nice rack, and is trying not to get caught staring. The girl with the rack then asks him "And what do you think it is?" He responds "Silicon. It can only be silicon".
Coke is the real thing... but what about her tits?
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/126280/yoga_for_dudes.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/126280/yoga_for_dudes/">Yoga For Dudes - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
!The Reason I Do Yoga
This is the reason I do yoga. Where else can you find so many hot women willing to demonstrate just how toned and limber they are. Of course, my yoga class makes us work out in the nude so that we don't have to worry about clothes getting in the way and binding us up. 
Many a time I am confused by the [[ideas people get from the bible|http://nbbconline.com/RSWeb/rsthesilentpowerofsubmission.htm]]. This is mostly from a reading of 1 Peter 3:1-3.

Here are a couple of quotes in case you don't want to read all of it:
* "Christian women must be as desirous of becoming submissive to their husbands"
* "Submission is the key element to the smooth running of any business, government, or family"
* "Believe it or not, submission is the first step toward total fulfillment as a wife."
* "Affectionate, obedient conduct toward the head of your house will be the means by which you convince your husband that the Word of God you have received into your heart and mind is true! Did you notice that submission is a silent power, that it can have its effect apart from any spoken word at all?" 
* "It won't be your idle threats, your witty arguments, or your manipulative ways, but rather your silent, submissive, humble spirit that reaches his heart for God! What an awesome opportunity submission affords us!"

What I got from this was: "Shut up woman and do what you man tells you! Don't you dare talk back! If he comes home drunk and poor from having given all his paycheck to a bunch of poor single mothers trying to work thier way through college (AKA strippers), then you should not say a word about it, and have dinner ready for him. And if the goverment or your boss wants something from you then better do it, no questions asked. Damnit woman, where is my chicken pot pie?"

So, would you like to attend this woman's church? New Beginnings Baptist Church, 2948 Union Road in White House, TN. (615) 672 - 1121. They even have a military unit! The ''United States Ranger Corp''. 

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

And for a little more religion gone wrong check out the [[Submisive's Hymn]]
The following was a response I wrote to a posted series of nude pictures in which we saw mainly one body part.

Tease us, oh tease us, till it's time to reveal
till then in my dreams I'm sure they will steal
You left me with a pole as hard as steel
wanting a chance to cop a quick feel
But desire I do to see all the rest
For surely your more then jus' a great chest?
!The Truth about Love
Yep, women just rip a man's balls off of him and wear them around her neck.
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!The Unknown Rebel At The Tiananmen Square Protests Of 1989
All I can say is the man has balls. Truly one man in a billion. May the world find it has many more like him.
From [[Time|http://www.time.com/time/time100/leaders/profile/rebel.html]]
>With a single act of defiance, a lone Chinese hero revived the world's image of courage
>Almost nobody knew his name. Nobody outside his immediate neighborhood had read his words or heard him speak. Nobody knows what happened to him even one hour after his moment in the world's living rooms. But the man who stood before a column of tanks near Tiananmen Square — June 5, 1989 — may have impressed his image on the global memory more vividly, more intimately than even Sun Yat-sen did. Almost certainly he was seen in his moment of self-transcendence by more people than ever laid eyes on Winston Churchill, Albert Einstein and James Joyce combined.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/512077/the_viagra_ballet.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/512077/the_viagra_ballet/">The Viagra Ballet.</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Watch the best video clips here</a></font></html>
!The Viagra Ballet
Men in tights getting turned on by their scantily clad ballet partners.
The following is from [[morgaath|http://morgaath.livejournal.com/68441.html]]. I really liked it and thought I'd share it with you.
People live their entire life in a single room, and have their friends and family visit them in the room.

Every once and a while people discover that there are doors into other areas. Most people just peek into these other areas, but do not enter them.

Other people wander into these other rooms, and use them as an expanded living space; somewhere they can go that is separate from their normal area. They make new friends who only visit them in the new room, but often don’t tell the people in the old room about the new friends.

The really adventuresome people notice that the walls between the two rooms is not a load bearing wall and tear it down, giving them one big place to live rather then 2 smaller ones. All of their friends are able to meet each other and share in every part of their lives.
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
I came up with this as part of a conversation with cunningminx and ldyalia about how we separate parts of our life, and hide them from others. An example would be that work and family are often not told about alternative lifestyles. Yes, it is merely an expansion on the closet idea, but I realized that closets have a specific use, and normally do not have doors into more then one area.. Also closet are small, unable to hold as much as a 'real' room. Something like an alternate lifestyle might be as large and important a part of you as your  'orginal'  room.
Harold asks his son, now aged ten, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh Dad," the boy sobbed. "When I was six years old, I got the 'There's No Santa' speech. When I was seven, I got the 'There's No Easter Bunny' speech."

The boy continued, "Then at age eight, you hit me with the 'There's No Tooth Fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.metacafe.co.il&playerVars=blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http%3A%2F%2Falmostporn.net"  src="http://www.metacafe.co.il/fplayer/779175/theatre_day.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"> </embed><br /><font size="1"><a href="http://www.metacafe.co.il/watch/779175/theatre_day/">Theatre Day</a></font></html>
!The great escape
OK, so I do not in anyway condone cheating. I am a good polyamorous slut. I might have 5 different lovers, but each and everyone of them knows about the others, and most of them are friends who hang out with each other (Hell, most of them set me up with the other ones.). At the same time, I have to admire anyone who could pull this off in real life.
<html><object width="400" height="327"><param name="movie" value="http://content3.porkolt.com/miniplayer/player.swf?parameters=http://datas3.porkolt.com/datas/9740"></param><param name="bgcolor" value="#000000" /><embed src="http://content3.porkolt.com/miniplayer/player.swf?parameters=http://datas3.porkolt.com/datas/9740" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="400" height="327"></embed></object></html>
I think this is actually how it happened.
As the cock did crow
did the cock grow
larger in her sight
causing her excite
dreams filled her head
and these words she said
"That cock will soon be
a tasty treat for me."
prepared her firm round dumplings
with much kneading and thumping
she settled the meat between
fire stoked did raise some steam
then she gobbled it all down
with a nice serving of cream

For some reason this song about a rooster makes me want to point out the [[Love Juice Smoothie]] recipe.

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear"
<html><embed flashVars="playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/350618/the_world_without_massenger.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/350618/the_world_without_massenger/">The World Without Massenger - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>

How did we get along with out them?
The-Geoffrey is a Polyamourous, Bi-Sexual, Democrat, Pagan, Satyr who makes wine & mead when he is not busy giving massages. He is fond of reading, music, intelligent conversation, history, BDSM and costuming. He also throws some great parties.

Read his [[blog|http://the-geoffrey.livejournal.com/]]
<html><span><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embed/146FA80A6B494CBF8C284D1C518DBE2C" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="405" wmode="transparent"></embed><br/><a href="http://www.livevideo.com/video/embedLink/146FA80A6B494CBF8C284D1C518DBE2C/28574/madonna-hung-up-on-crack.aspx">Madonna Hung Up on Crack</a></span></html>
A viral music video for the song "This Beat Goes On Club Mix" by the recording artist, Flow!
<html><div><object width="425" height="364"><param name="movie" value="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/3uCZziXpPaYYe5Tuh"></param><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/3uCZziXpPaYYe5Tuh" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="334" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object><br /><b><a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xu421_lubrifiant">lubrifiant</a></b><br /><i>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/ricky_boy">ricky_boy</a></i></div></html>
<html><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/5qYSe9y6OQM"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/5qYSe9y6OQM" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object></html>
As a person with long hair, I can really enjoy this.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/70708/the_dream.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/70708/the_dream/">The Dream</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Funny video clips are a click away</a></font></html>
!Three Women in a Shower
He is sad because he is a born-again Christian and thinks that same sex/lesbian sex is wrong, but he can't help but being turned on by it, so he is disgusted by his reaction, and facing eternity in Hell.

Personally, I'd be smiling if those three were in my shower. Opps, dropped the soap... again.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas in order to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the Pearly Gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just *what* do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's!"
|''Description:''|A bar to switch between tiddlers through tabs (like browser tabs bar).|
|''Date:''|Jan 18,2008|
|''Author:''|Pascal Collin|
|''License:''|[[BSD open source license|License]]|
|''Browser:''|Firefox 2.0; InternetExplorer 6.0, others|
On [[homepage|http://visualtw.ouvaton.org/VisualTW.html]], open several tiddlers to use the tabs bar.
#import this tiddler from [[homepage|http://visualtw.ouvaton.org/VisualTW.html]] (tagged as systemConfig)
#save and reload
#''if you're using a custom [[PageTemplate]]'', add {{{<div id='tiddlersBar' refresh='none' ondblclick='config.macros.tiddlersBar.onTiddlersBarAction(event)'></div>}}} before {{{<div id='tiddlerDisplay'></div>}}}
#optionally, adjust StyleSheetTiddlersBar
*Doubleclick on the tiddlers bar (where there is no tab) create a new tiddler.
*Tabs include a button to close {{{x}}} or save {{{!}}} their tiddler.
*By default, click on the current tab close all others tiddlers.
!Configuration options 
<<option chkDisableTabsBar>> Disable the tabs bar (to print, by example).
<<option chkHideTabsBarWhenSingleTab >> Automatically hide the tabs bar when only one tiddler is displayed. 
<<option txtSelectedTiddlerTabButton>> ''selected'' tab command button.
<<option txtPreviousTabKey>> previous tab access key.
<<option txtNextTabKey>> next tab access key.
config.options.chkDisableTabsBar = config.options.chkDisableTabsBar ? config.options.chkDisableTabsBar : false;
config.options.chkHideTabsBarWhenSingleTab  = config.options.chkHideTabsBarWhenSingleTab  ? config.options.chkHideTabsBarWhenSingleTab  : false;
config.options.txtSelectedTiddlerTabButton = config.options.txtSelectedTiddlerTabButton ? config.options.txtSelectedTiddlerTabButton : "closeOthers";
config.options.txtPreviousTabKey = config.options.txtPreviousTabKey ? config.options.txtPreviousTabKey : "";
config.options.txtNextTabKey = config.options.txtNextTabKey ? config.options.txtNextTabKey : "";
config.macros.tiddlersBar = {
	tooltip : "see ",
	tooltipClose : "click here to close this tab",
	tooltipSave : "click here to save this tab",
	promptRename : "Enter tiddler new name",
	currentTiddler : "",
	previousState : false,
	previousKey : config.options.txtPreviousTabKey,
	nextKey : config.options.txtNextTabKey,	
	tabsAnimationSource : null, //use document.getElementById("tiddlerDisplay") if you need animation on tab switching.
	handler: function(place,macroName,params) {
		var previous = null;
		if (config.macros.tiddlersBar.isShown())
				if (title==config.macros.tiddlersBar.currentTiddler){
					var d = createTiddlyElement(null,"span",null,"tab tabSelected");
					if (previous && config.macros.tiddlersBar.previousKey) previous.setAttribute("accessKey",config.macros.tiddlersBar.nextKey);
					previous = "active";
				else {
					var d = createTiddlyElement(place,"span",null,"tab tabUnselected");
					var btn = createTiddlyButton(d,title,config.macros.tiddlersBar.tooltip + title,config.macros.tiddlersBar.onSelectTab);
					btn.setAttribute("tiddler", title);
					if (previous=="active" && config.macros.tiddlersBar.nextKey) btn.setAttribute("accessKey",config.macros.tiddlersBar.previousKey);
				var isDirty =story.isDirty(title);
				var c = createTiddlyButton(d,isDirty ?"!":"x",isDirty?config.macros.tiddlersBar.tooltipSave:config.macros.tiddlersBar.tooltipClose, isDirty ? config.macros.tiddlersBar.onTabSave : config.macros.tiddlersBar.onTabClose,"tabButton");
				c.setAttribute("tiddler", title);
				if (place.childNodes) {
					place.insertBefore(document.createTextNode(" "),place.firstChild); // to allow break line here when many tiddlers are open
				else place.appendChild(d);
	refresh: function(place,params){
		if (config.macros.tiddlersBar.previousState!=config.macros.tiddlersBar.isShown()) {
			if (config.macros.tiddlersBar.previousState) story.forEachTiddler(function(t,e){e.style.display="";});
			config.macros.tiddlersBar.previousState = !config.macros.tiddlersBar.previousState;
	isShown : function(){
		if (config.options.chkDisableTabsBar) return false;
		if (!config.options.chkHideTabsBarWhenSingleTab) return true;
		var cpt=0;
		return (cpt>1);
	selectNextTab : function(){  //used when the current tab is closed (to select another tab)
		var previous="";
			if (!config.macros.tiddlersBar.currentTiddler) {
			if (title==config.macros.tiddlersBar.currentTiddler) {
				if (previous) {
				else config.macros.tiddlersBar.currentTiddler=""; 	// so next tab will be selected
			else previous=title;
	onSelectTab : function(e){
		var t = this.getAttribute("tiddler");
		if (t) story.displayTiddler(null,t);
		return false;
	onTabClose : function(e){
		var t = this.getAttribute("tiddler");
		if (t) {
			if(story.hasChanges(t) && !readOnly) {
				return false;
		return false;
	onTabSave : function(e) {
		var t = this.getAttribute("tiddler");
		if (!e) e=window.event;
		if (t) config.commands.saveTiddler.handler(e,null,t);
		return false;
	onSelectedTabButtonClick : function(event,src,title) {
		var t = this.getAttribute("tiddler");
		if (!event) event=window.event;
		if (t && config.options.txtSelectedTiddlerTabButton && config.commands[config.options.txtSelectedTiddlerTabButton])
			config.commands[config.options.txtSelectedTiddlerTabButton].handler(event, src, t);
		return false;
	onTiddlersBarAction: function(event) {
		var source = event.target ? event.target.id : event.srcElement.id; // FF uses target and IE uses srcElement;
		if (source=="tiddlersBar") story.displayTiddler(null,'New Tiddler',DEFAULT_EDIT_TEMPLATE,false,null,null);
	createActiveTabButton : function(place,title) {
		if (config.options.txtSelectedTiddlerTabButton && config.commands[config.options.txtSelectedTiddlerTabButton]) {
			var btn = createTiddlyButton(place, title, config.commands[config.options.txtSelectedTiddlerTabButton].tooltip ,config.macros.tiddlersBar.onSelectedTabButtonClick);
			btn.setAttribute("tiddler", title);

story.coreCloseTiddler = story.coreCloseTiddler? story.coreCloseTiddler : story.closeTiddler;
story.coreDisplayTiddler = story.coreDisplayTiddler ? story.coreDisplayTiddler : story.displayTiddler;

story.closeTiddler = function(title,animate,unused) {
	if (title==config.macros.tiddlersBar.currentTiddler)
	story.coreCloseTiddler(title,false,unused); //disable animation to get it closed before calling tiddlersBar.refresh
	var e=document.getElementById("tiddlersBar");
	if (e) config.macros.tiddlersBar.refresh(e,null);

story.displayTiddler = function(srcElement,tiddler,template,animate,unused,customFields,toggle){
	var title = (tiddler instanceof Tiddler)? tiddler.title : tiddler;  
	if (config.macros.tiddlersBar.isShown()) {
			if (t!=title) e.style.display="none";
			else e.style.display="";
	var e=document.getElementById("tiddlersBar");
	if (e) config.macros.tiddlersBar.refresh(e,null);

var coreRefreshPageTemplate = coreRefreshPageTemplate ? coreRefreshPageTemplate : refreshPageTemplate;
refreshPageTemplate = function(title) {
	if (config.macros.tiddlersBar) config.macros.tiddlersBar.refresh(document.getElementById("tiddlersBar"));

ensureVisible=function (e) {return 0} //disable bottom scrolling (not useful now)

config.shadowTiddlers.StyleSheetTiddlersBar = "/*{{{*/\n";
config.shadowTiddlers.StyleSheetTiddlersBar += "#tiddlersBar .button {border:0}\n";
config.shadowTiddlers.StyleSheetTiddlersBar += "#tiddlersBar .tab {white-space:nowrap}\n";
config.shadowTiddlers.StyleSheetTiddlersBar += "#tiddlersBar {padding : 1em 0.5em 2px 0.5em}\n";
config.shadowTiddlers.StyleSheetTiddlersBar += ".tabUnselected .tabButton, .tabSelected .tabButton {padding : 0 2px 0 2px; margin: 0 0 0 4px;}\n";
config.shadowTiddlers.StyleSheetTiddlersBar += ".tiddler, .tabContents {border:1px [[ColorPalette::TertiaryPale]] solid;}\n";
config.shadowTiddlers.StyleSheetTiddlersBar +="/*}}}*/";
store.addNotification("StyleSheetTiddlersBar", refreshStyles);

config.refreshers.none = function(){return true;}
config.shadowTiddlers.PageTemplate=config.shadowTiddlers.PageTemplate.replace(/<div id='tiddlerDisplay'><\/div>/m,"<div id='tiddlersBar' refresh='none' ondblclick='config.macros.tiddlersBar.onTiddlersBarAction(event)'></div>\n<div id='tiddlerDisplay'></div>");

[img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/posinghardwork01.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/posinghardwork02.jpg]] [img[http://almostporn.net/images/sexy/posinghardwork03.jpg]] 
!Tiffany - Posing is hard work
Tiffany says that posing is hard work. Holding her head in just that position, shove out the tits, curve the back...more. 
By the end of a hard day of shooting she just wants to go home and have someone hold her feet up.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/157048/ill_never_smoke_weed_with_willie_again.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/157048/ill_never_smoke_weed_with_willie_again/">I'll Never Smoke Weed With Willie Again</a></html>
!Toby Keith & Scott Emerik - I'll Never Smoke Weed With Willie Again
Toby Keith & Scott Emerik sing a little song they wrote for Willie Nelson at his 70th Birthday Special. Now tell me folks, if all the 'down home', conservative, country folk are now willing to admit that they have a friend in Mary Jane don't you think it is high time we just let folks do it? Sure treat it just like alcohol (Must be 21, don't be driving under the influence, etc.), but quit making them spend time in jail for burning the weeds in the back yard.
<html><object width="638" height="525"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/AJzU3NjDikY"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/AJzU3NjDikY" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="638" height="525"></embed></object></html>
Submitted by MrOgre
!!!Info about the movie:
A stop motion battle between two friends turned enemies.

Thanks for all the super nice comments! And since some questions keeps coming up, i thought I'd answer them.
#The video took two months to film and edit.
#The music is available here (for now): http://www.sendspace.com/file/jo439o
#Nothing is fake and no green screens were used. The only computer animated part was the letters falling on the page.
#Yes, we really did jump all those times.
#I edited it with Final Cut Pro
#The camera we used was a Canon GL1 with both digital stills being taken, and footage being shot.
#It was filmed in Massachusetts in the following towns: Arlington, Medford, Upton, Gloucester
*Written & Directed by: Paul Cummings & Tony Fiandaca
*Starring: Paul Cummings & Tony Fiandaca
*Edited by: Paul Cummings
*Music by: Chris Donovan
Also, check out the band!
[<img[images/members/TRashcan.jpg]]Tonya showed up mysteriously one day, just sitting out on the street. We fed her some of our left over hamburgers. Since then she has been our most eager assistant, happily accepting whatever we care to dump on her. 

One of the jobs she is always eager to pursue is checking out any men who wish to be in our videos. If you are male and wish to be in one of our videos, please contact Tonya at trashcan at almostporn dot net.

She is also always eager to go down
to the corner store and buy us more beer. You have to love that in a woman.

<<reminder month:4 date:1 title:"Tonya's Birthday">>

+++[Click to see everything submitted by TonyaRashcan]
 '((index == 0) ? "" : ", ")+"[["+tiddler.title+"]]"'
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/563154/the_frog_prince_effect.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/563154/the_frog_prince_effect/">THE FROG PRINCE EFFECT</a></html>
!Tooth Fairy takes a lover
See what happens when the tooth fairy takes a lover.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/460301/3_reasons.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/460301/3_reasons/">3 Reasons</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>A funny movie is a click away</a></font></html>
!Top 3 Reasons Curling Rocks!
Banging, Babes, & Beer! What else does it take to make a man happy?
Before getting started, get comfortable. Eating is much more fun without a sore neck.[>img[images/roselynsanchezbanana_1.jpg]]
#Give it a kiss. If you're dealing with a banana, you don't have to wait until it's hard to start the show;
#Mouth off. Slide your lips gently over your teeth for smooth sailing;
#Experiment. You can do more wonderful stuff with your mouth than just suck (the harder you suck doesn't necessarily mean the better it, um, feels). Mix it up by licking the sensitive underside; (I aways wonder which side is the underside. I mean it is sticking up in the air, so the underside would be... - Tonya)
#Hands-on. Give your banana a hand. Grip the banana around the base and slide it up and down, in tandem with your mouth;
#Deep throat. The act of taking the entire banana into your mouth and throat can be cool, but if one is, in fact, able to do it, either the banana is rather small or one possess extremely admirable skills  -- you can give a perfectly stellar performance without doing so;
* ''BONUS TIP'' by Ms.~RockyJay: Finish the Job! It is ultimately your choice whether or not to swallow -- um, not the banana...

Let's face it... I just wanted to post that collage of Roselyn Sanchez, from the movie ''[[Boat Trip|http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0285462/]]'':  "I wonder how many people made the same mistake as I did? NO ONE! SHIT!" 

To see her in action look at [[Sucking On A Banana]]

If you'd like to learn about eating something else please read this great article written by [[The Girl With A One Track Mind|http://girlwithaonetrackmind.blogspot.com/2006/11/technique.html]]
<html><embed flashVars="playerVars=videoTitle=Topless Car Wash|showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/93691/topless_car_wash.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/93691/topless_car_wash/">Topless Car Wash - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/528645/naked_dj.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/528645/naked_dj/">Naked DJ</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>The most amazing bloopers are here</a></font></html>
!Topless DJ can't be topped
This is so great, because if you strike out with all of the hotties on the dance floor, you can at least still tell the guys at work you saw some girl's breast. Something tells me she is going to get a lot more guys coming up and requesting songs, just so they can see her. Hey, maybe [[Seantaclaus]] and KiltMan need to try this when they DJ...
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/552066/natalia_graciano_transparencia.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/552066/natalia_graciano_transparencia/">Natalia Graciano Transparencia</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>The funniest bloopers are right here</a></font></html>
!Transparent shirts at a fashion show
Natalia Graciano and some other models showing off transparent shirts at a fashion show. This style of dress is not for the lady to whom gravity has not been kind.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/386922/trisfe_pornografia.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/386922/trisfe_pornografia/">Trisfe Pornografia</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>These bloopers are hilarious</a></font></html>
!Pornografia by Trisfe 
New Trisfe music video by Joaquin Leon.

<html><span><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embed/2F4D650B1F79440CAAD3233A7C0FBB93" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="405" wmode="transparent"></embed><br/><a href="http://www.livevideo.com/video/embedLink/2F4D650B1F79440CAAD3233A7C0FBB93/22913/trouble.aspx">trouble</a></span></html>
By [[SoDarkInHere|http://www.livevideo.com/video/SoDarkInHere/93127BC6A2C246D99EAFA5E335C3BBC8/wholesale-genocide.aspx]]
He's got a lot more of them.
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago." 
A woman who wants to make sure she doesn't get into a class action suit for false advertising.
On the back it has her rates, just like a taxi cab. You can even hire her in much the same way, "Wheeeeet! Whore! Suck on that cock.".
Earlier today I was driving down the road and saw a female shape up the road. All I could tell was that she had red hair and was wearing a tube top and shorts. Thinking "What do we have here?" I kept an eye on her.

As I got closer I realized that tub tops should be a privilege. See this female was...65? 70? It was a hot day and all (Around 98 for the high) so I understand wanting to wear as little as possible but... Well, suffice it to say I was very happy she had on the tube top though as I could tell from the way things were moving that gravity had taken it's toll upon her.

I try not to be judgmental. Everyone should be able to wear what they want, but please, try and dress in a manner that suits your body. People in their 60s+ normally should not dress in a way most 40-something’s would have a hard time looking good in.
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing ! tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and  a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. 
Maude: What in the heck is that? 
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. 
Maude: Where did you get it? 

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. 

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. 

The pharmacist, obviously  embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of  age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." 
The pharmacist fainted. 
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      <font size="5"><b>TYPE P</b></font><br>
      You scored 75 imagination, 91 confidence, 62 dominance,  and 75 generosity!
      You are a KINKY, CONFIDENT, DOMINANT lover who prefers to give.

This means that:

You like relatively kinky sex, and you have the great imagination that will always keep your partner guessing and excited! There's no getting bored with you around, you could never settle for dull sex, you want something fun and new all the time. You aren't afraid to try out anything you hear about. You might just be an intelligent lover who needs to be mentally engaged, or perhaps you have some dirty dark secret kinky desires, but either way, you're never boring. 

You are pretty confident in bed. This means that you know you can please your lover. Maybe you've read a lot of sex manuals, or have the experience from previous lovers, or just tend to be skilled at whatever you get your hands on, but you're good and you know it. You can really get results and know that you have pure talent, so you won't be hiding away shy, pretending to be all innocent. Your partners love your naughty self assurance, you don't hesitate and this makes you a sensational lover.

You tend to be dominant in bed, so you prefer to be the one giving the orders than taking them. Maybe you like the power, or just like controlling the pace, perhaps your partner likes to be dominanted, or maybe you get a kick out of the whole master/slave relationship, it could be something as small as liking to be on top during sex and tie up your lover to tease them, or it could be as kinky as them having to ask your permission to do anything at all. Either way, you are firm and you enjoy it! 

You prefer to give than recieve. This makes you a very unselfish lover, devoted to the needs of your partner rather than your own. You get your pleasure from seeing them get theirs, you are a model sex partner. I'm sure plenty of people would love to have someone like you in bed with them! Remember though that if your partner gets pleasure from returning the favour it's okay to let them, they might love giving as much as you do! 

get into some slightly more hardcore fantasy territory. Go for bondage in a not so light and fluffy way and discover just what you really like. Want to play master/slave games? Want to be tied up or tie someone up, in just enough discomfort that they don't quite relax? Want to try a threesome? Maybe you'd even like to try out sado-masochism. It's your call. Whatever you do, unleash that kinky thing you've always really wanted to try and give it a go, you're a great lover, and you know it, up for anything, generous, imaginative, confident, and happy to go for what you want, so enjoy. 
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      <img src="http://is0.okcupid.com/users/396/392/39739338604455803/mt1133924738.jpg">


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   <span id="comparisonarea">My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people <i>your age and gender</i>:<blockquote><table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="4"><tbody><tr><td valign="middle"><table bgcolor="black" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="1"><tbody><tr><td bgcolor="#b2cfff" height="20" width="149"><a href="http://www.okcupid.com"><img src="http://is1.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif" alt="free online dating" border="0"></a></td><td bgcolor="white" width="1"><a href="http://www.okcupid.com"><img src="http://is1.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif" alt="free online dating" border="0"></a></td></tr></tbody></table></td><td valign="middle">You scored higher than <b>99%</b> on <b>imagination</b></td></tr><tr><td valign="middle"><table bgcolor="black" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="1"><tbody><tr><td bgcolor="#b2cfff" height="20" width="149"><a href="http://www.okcupid.com"><img src="http://is1.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif" alt="free online dating" border="0"></a></td><td bgcolor="white" width="1"><a href="http://www.okcupid.com"><img src="http://is1.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif" alt="free online dating" border="0"></a></td></tr></tbody></table></td><td valign="middle">You scored higher than <b>99%</b> on <b>confidence</b></td></tr><tr><td valign="middle"><table bgcolor="black" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="1"><tbody><tr><td bgcolor="#b2cfff" height="20" width="149"><a href="http://www.okcupid.com"><img src="http://is1.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif" alt="free online dating" border="0"></a></td><td bgcolor="white" width="1"><a href="http://www.okcupid.com"><img src="http://is1.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif" alt="free online dating" border="0"></a></td></tr></tbody></table></td><td valign="middle">You scored higher than <b>99%</b> on <b>dominance</b></td></tr><tr><td valign="middle"><table bgcolor="black" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="1"><tbody><tr><td bgcolor="#b2cfff" height="20" width="149"><a href="http://www.okcupid.com"><img src="http://is1.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif" alt="free online dating" border="0"></a></td><td bgcolor="white" width="1"><a href="http://www.okcupid.com"><img src="http://is1.okcupid.com/graphics/0.gif" alt="free online dating" border="0"></a></td></tr></tbody></table></td><td valign="middle">You scored higher than <b>99%</b> on <b>generosity</b></td></tr></tbody></table></blockquote></span>


<table cellpadding=20><tr><td>Link: <a href='http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=13030039429336430561'>The What's your sexual style? Test</a> written by <a href='http://www.okcupid.com/profile?u=lu-mina'>lu-mina</a> on <a  href='http://www.okcupid.com'>OkCupid Free Online Dating</a>, home of the <a href='http://www.okcupid.com/online.dating.persona.test'>The Dating Persona Test</a></td></tr></table></html>
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."
        -- George Bernard Shaw, Maxims for Revolutionists 

I like this quote, but I know that I am not the unreasonable man. "I am a leaf on the wind" fits me better as I am always as laid back as possible, going with the flow of what happens around me. Trying to avoid hitting things on the way down. I try to stay floating above the ground for the ground is death, and a slow rotting away.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=no|videoTitle="  src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/777699/vibrator_recall_prank.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"> </embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/777699/vibrator_recall_prank/">Vibrator Recall Prank</a></font></html>
!Vibrator Recall Prank
Now personally I don't think that once a day is a lot. Masturbating once a day is not that often, and is actually good for you. Well, unless she meant that she uses it 24 hours a day. 
<html><div><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embed/344D4D79D85244129D177FDF898E7D3D&thumb=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="500" HEIGHT="414" wmode="transparent"></embed><br/></div></html>
!Victoria - Naughty Dancing in the Shower
Victoria makes getting clean oh so dirty. The music playing is "The Sleeping Revolt - For Tomorrow".
<html><object width="470" height="390"><param name="movie" value="http://www.str8up.com/js/player.swf?t=59&f=vida_guerra_ass.flv&u=50&a=false&i=788"></param><embed src="http://www.str8up.com/js/player.swf?t=59&f=vida_guerra_ass.flv&u=50&a=false&i=788" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="470" height="390"></embed></object><br><a href="http://www.str8up.com/watch.php?v=788">Videos at Str8Up.com</a></html>
!Vida Guerra hot tubbing
Vida Guerra goes hot tubbing with this octogenarian. Lucky bastard.
Videos - things to watch.
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<html><table border='0'  bgcolor='ffffff' cellpadding='0' cellspacing='0'><tr><td><embed id='vidilife_movie' name='vidilife_movie' width='502' height='416' src='http://www.vidiLife.com/flash/flvplayer.swf?autoStart=0&popup=1&video=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2EvidiLife%2Ecom%2Fmedia%2Fflash%5Fapi%2Ecfm%3Fid%3D395EB38F%252DE793%252D4F1C%252DB4BF%252D2%26version%3D8' quality='high' bgcolor='white' play='true' loop='false' allowScriptAccess='sameDomain' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' pluginspage='http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer'></embed><img src='http://www.vidiLife.com/reloc.cfm?cryp=011-395EB38F-E793-4F1C-B4BF-2' width='1' height='1' alt='' border='0'></td></tr><tr><td align='right'><strong><a href='http://www.vidiLife.com/reloc.cfm?cryp=012-395EB38F-E793-4F1C-B4BF-2'>Free Video Hosting</a></strong></td></tr></table></html>
!Violet's Sexy Bath
Violet from CamWithHer taking a bath. Do I need to say more?
<html><div><embed flashVars="playerVars=autoPlay=no" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/477023/va_tech_strips_part_1.swf" width="600" height="338" wmode="transparent" allowFullScreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" name="Metacafe_477023" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><div style="font-size:12px;"><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/477023/va_tech_strips_part_1/">Va Tech Strips Part 1</a> - <a href="http://www.metacafe.com/">Amazing videos are here</a></div></div></html>
!Virginia Tech Hokie Stripping
This young lady would like to challenge all the other collages to have someone try and be sexier then her. Hokie Pride!
So Indiana University Southeast, want to take her up on it? Show a little of that ''Grenadier Pride''?
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!Visit to the Sperm Bank
So much for the artificial insemination.  
Mine is the big one! My girlfriend owns the other one. 
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If the video doesn't show up at first click on the ''refresh'' button (Up there ^ ^ ^}
This video is [img[seal150.gif]]
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An older couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it.

When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicare."
!We just add love
I think I now know why it taste so good.

Look closely at the couple walking in the background. 
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!Weird Al - White & Nerdy
Weird Al is my hero. Everyone in the music biz knows, you are made once Weird Al makes fun of you.
[>img[pic of Pan the Frog|http://almostporn.net/images/pan-med.png]] 
Welcome to Almost Porn, the site for all those movies and pictures that, if the situation would have been different, if the angle was better, if that thing wouldn't have gotten in the way, if the damn camera wouldn't have died, would have been some damn fine porn.

What we have here is the 63,286 feet of film that hit the cutting room floor. Access to this can be all yours for the low, low price of $0.00. If you are not satisfied we will even give you back half of that.

But wait, if you act now (or with-in the next 2 years) we can throw-in one slightly used web page with your name on it. And don't worry you won't be alone on that web page. You, or at least your name, will be there mixing it up with sexy babes like Pamela, Jessica, [[Andi|Andi's Sweet Little Song]], Paula, [[Jodie|Perfect size shirt]], Joe, Ken, [[Zenia|Perfect size sweater]], Angelina, TonyaRashcan and even Pan_theFrog.

[[What is here?]]
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.metacafe.com&playerVars=blogName=Almostporn.net|blogURL=http%3A%2F%2Falmostporn.net%2Findex.html%23SiteMap"  src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/818725/beatiful_women.swf" width="400" height="345" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"> </embed><br /><font size="1"><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/818725/beatiful_women/">Beatiful Women</a></font></html>
!Wet ~T-Shirt Pictures
Sexy women, thin cloth and water.The only other thing to add to that mix is me.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/479821/wet_t_shirt_contest_finals_spring_break_cancun.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/479821/wet_t_shirt_contest_finals_spring_break_cancun/">Wet T-shirt Contest Finals Spring Break Cancun </a></font></html>
!Wet T-shirt Contest Finals Spring Break Cancun
From back in 1995 making these girls in their early 30s now. Some of them might even have kids surfing the net looking for things like this.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/479864/wet_t_shirt_contest_spring_break_cancun_semifinals.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/479864/wet_t_shirt_contest_spring_break_cancun_semifinals/">Wet T-shirt Contest Spring Break Cancun Semifinals</a></font></html>
!Wet T-shirt Contest Spring Break Cancun Semifinals
From back in 1995 making these girls in their early 30s now. Some of them might even have kids surfing the net looking for things like this.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/479868/wet_t_shirt_contest_spring_break_cancun_finals.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/479868/wet_t_shirt_contest_spring_break_cancun_finals/">Wet T-shirt Contest Spring Break Cancun Finals</a></html>
!Wet T-shirt Contest Spring Break Cancun Semifinals - pt 2
Be sure and check out the other parts.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/407611/i_am_what_is_cunnilingus_of_the_day.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/407611/i_am_what_is_cunnilingus_of_the_day/">I Am - What Is Cunnilingus Of The Day</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>The best bloopers are here</a></font></html>
!What Is Cunnilingus?
stepSTEVE asks people what cunnilingus is and gets a girl to deep throat a banana. She seems to have done it a couple of times before.
<html><table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tr><td align="center"><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/flvplayer.swf?autoStart=0&popup=1&scale_it=1&video=http%3a%2f%2fwww.livevideo.com%2fmedia%2fgetflashvideo.ashx%3fcid%3d2C93DDFC77CF4AFEA64B1FDA3FD750E0%26rby%3d14379-0%26popup%3d1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="405" wmode="transparent"></embed><br/><a target="_new" href="http://www.livevideo.com/video/2C93DDFC77CF4AFEA64B1FDA3FD750E0/what-guys-really-want.aspx?tx_cid=14379&tx_event=embedLink">What Guys Really Want</a></td></tr></table></html>
Oh Yeah! That is what I want! Oh Yeah, Oh Yeah! Ummm... Wait. That is not what I want.
[>img[http://www.forum.com.co/Sin_Tetas_no_hay_paraiso_small.JPG]] "sin tetas no hay paraiso" & "hay no paraiso sin tetas"

I got a report that says that those two terms bring several people a day to this site, but I am not sure way as they were not in this site until I wrote them here. I guess all they are getting is the 'no' and 'sin' and [[No-Sin|http://no-sin.com]] is the sister site to this one. Not that that explains how they get here...

Anyway in the course of my research I found out that "Sin Tetas no hay Paraiso" (Without Breasts There's No Paradise) is a Columbian soap opera, based upon a novel of the same name, that centers around a 17-year old call girl who agonizes that her flat A-cup chest is a barrier to deliverance from poverty & a life of ease as a drug trafficker's pampered plaything, a "prepago". 

Seems that Columbia is even more obsessed with big tits then Hollywood is. Not that there is anything wrong with that except they really should make a distiction between real and fake. Real is way better in my book.
OK, so I was listening to the radio today and they started playing "5 songs that don't suck". This got me to once again think that society doesn't understand the words that we use. See when I hear 'suck' only two things occur to me. One being a vacuum. By which I mean low pressure, rather then the device we use to clean the carpet. The other is oral sex. I don't think they meant low pressure.

This gets me to my actual point; Why do we think oral sex is a bad thing? Personally, I am always delighted to discover someone who sucks. I'd think they should be encouraged to do this as often as they feel so inclined. I would put them up on a pedestal if it wasn't that it would make it hard for them to do the very thing I am putting them up there for (Maybe I should get on the pedestal instead, just to make it easier for them).

Do people think less of their lover after getting a BJ, or do they think that they are lucky to have someone who will do that?

But then this is just me, and I think that pussy should be a term that means ''Desired; sought out; a pleasure to have around you''.
<html><div align='center'><a href='http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=3811'>What Is Love ?</a><br><embed type='application/x-mplayer2' pluginspage='http://microsoft.com/windows/mediaplayer/en/download/' id='mediaPlayer' displaysize='4' autosize='-1' bgcolor='darkblue' showcontrols="true" showtracker='-1' showdisplay='0' showstatusbar='-1' videoborder3d='-1' width="320" height="309" src="" autostart="1" designtimesp='5311' loop="false" filename="" animationatstart="false" transparentatstart="true"> </embed><br><a href='http://www.kontraband.com/main.asp?cat=homemov'>See more like this on kontraband.com</a></div></html>
!'What is Love' like you've never seen before
It was so fricken odd I had to like it.
If you ask 5 people who practice Polyamory what it is you are likely to get a dozen answers as each person will tell you what it is to them, and then tell you about some friend of their's and how they practice it.

I do recommend listening to [[Polyamory Weekly]] if for no other reason then Minx is delightful to listen to. That she is also intelligent and easy on the eyes (in case you see a picture of her) is just a bonus.

Other Poly stuff
<<tagging Polyamory>>
What kind of things can you expect to see here? Good question.
We are currently in the process of procuring some fine outdoor lesbian action. Yes indeed, if that shrubbery wouldn't have been in the way you could have seen some fine looking bush.
We are currently in production on great movies like:
*''The little train that almost was'' (6 guys realize they only have $12.43 between them and she is wanting $25)
*''Boob Flashing Co-eds'' (too bad that truck drove between them and the camera)
*''Romantic Restaurant Head'' (who knew it was that dark under a table?)
*''Johnny & Tammy's Honeymoon'' (Occasionally when the bed is really rocking you can see her hot sweaty naked feet and since that is about all of her you can see I hope you like it)
We are always excepting donations of other fine Almost Porn.
If you wish to contribute pictures, videos or stories containing sexy women please send them to Pan_theFrog at <<email Panthefrog at almostporn dot net>> or What_theDuck at <<email What_theDuck at almostporn dot net>>.
If your contrabution is about men please send them to [[Tonya Rashcan|TonyaRashcan]] at <<email TRashcan at almostporn dot net>>. Tonya is always open for hot guy on guy action.

[[How did this all start?|AlmostPorn]]
I asked myself "What is the world looking for? Christ? God? Allah? Buddha? Sex?". 
Google Trends gave me the chance to find out.
Guess which one [[wins by a landslide...|http://www.google.com/trends?q=God%2C+Christ%2C+Buddha%2C+Allah%2C+Sex&ctab=0&geo=all&date=all]].

For more fun I narrowed the search down to what [[those in Iran are searching for|http://www.google.com/trends?q=God%2C+Christ%2C+Buddha%2C+Allah%2C+Sex&ctab=0&geo=IR&date=all]]. 
It seems that those with enough money to own a computer already know all about Allah, so now they seek to learn about sex.

This is just a place for me to an opinionated asshole. You don't have to read them as you are not my politician… or are you? Politicians should be forced to sit down and listen to my opinion as they are only there to represent me.  OK, so that is not the way it works, but damn it, it should.

By the way, I would like to point out that America is not a democracy. We are a republic. The difference is that in a democracy everyone gets to vote for what they want. In a republic a select few (In our case Senators & Represenatives) get to make all the decisions.

I would also like to point out that America is no longer the land of the free. In a land of true freedom I could smoke where I want to, I could buy a beer at any time of the day or night, I could fuck or marry who I want (Assuming that they are willing). There are other countries that have more freedom then we currently have in America. Like Canada for one. 

Anyway, that is enough for now.
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Just watch out that you don't wind up with beer goggles.
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I think she should have limited herself to just the pink stuff.
<html><embed flashVars="playerVars=videoTitle=I Love...|showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/366970/i_love.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/366970/i_love/">I Love... - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
I love...
what he is drawing.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.metacafe.com&playerVars=blogName=Almostporn.net|blogURL=http%3A%2F%2Falmostporn.net%2Findex.html%23SiteMap"  src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/822356/what_is_he_drawing.swf" width="400" height="345" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"> </embed><br /><font size="1"><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/822356/what_is_he_drawing/">What Is He Drawing ?</a> - <a href="http://www.metacafe.com/">Funny video clips are a click away</a></font></html>
!What's he drawing? Part 2
In the beginning your dirty mind is going to make you see one thing, but if you give it a little time you will see the real picture.

If you liked it also check out [[What's he drawing?]]
[>img[What_theDuck in his fortress of solitude|http://no-sin.com/images/Archon/Archon05/images/dscn2077.jpg]]Who is ~What_theDuck? He is one of Pan_theFrog's best party pals. As you can see in the picture below he has a great love of the ladies, and they love him. StlKitten was more then willing to keep him safe in his fortress of solitude while he was recovering from a hangover. For some reason he got stared at a lot that day.

So where are you most likely to find ~What_theDuck? A party, convention or coffeehouse. Someplace where there is stuff to drink & eat and folks he can have fun talking & flirting with. Normally avoids bars as they always have too much noise for him to hear people talking, and it is hard to be romantic while YELLING!

If you are female and wish to be in one of our videos or photoshoots, please contact What_theDuck at <<email What_theDuck at almostporn dot net>>

+++[Click to see everything submitted by What_theDuck]
 '((index == 0) ? "" : ", ")+"[["+tiddler.title+"]]"'

Come join our merrie crew of village lads and lasses, rogues, vagabonds, and stalwart yeomen farmers. Let your fancy take flight and soar back through the years to the time of the greatest and most beloved monarch the English world has ever known! Raise your tankards high in a rousing toast to the Queen, Elizabeth I in one of our pubs! Stroll the lanes and enjoy one of our many shows. Feast on turkey legs or trifle. Sample strange foods from the new world like corn roasted on the cob, or taste Moorish delicacies in the freebooter’s alley where you might find goods from the exotic East. 

''What:'' White Hart Renaissance Faire
''When:'' June 23 & 24; June 30 & July 1; July 7 & 8, 2007
''Times:'' 10:00 am – 7:00 pm, Saturdays & 10:00 am – 6:00 pm, Sundays.
''Where:'' Located on a 100 acre faire site with 40 acres of oak woods and rolling meadows, the village Of Hart Grove welcomes all good gentles to come frolic with us.

>Pranksters Ranch
>5651 Hwy. F
>Hartville, Missouri 65667

<html><a href="http://www.historic-arts.com/white_hart_renaissance_faire/" target="_blank">Go to the website for a coupon</a></html>
<html><embed flashVars="playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/263417/panties.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/263417/panties/">Panties - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
You can tell she is a blond. A red head would have waited till after sex and then found them.
Then again, maybe he is just that bad in bed.
<html><span><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/embed/93127BC6A2C246D99EAFA5E335C3BBC8" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="405" wmode="transparent"></embed><br/><a href="http://www.livevideo.com/video/embedLink/93127BC6A2C246D99EAFA5E335C3BBC8/23101/wholesale-genocide.aspx">wholesale genocide</a></span></html>
!Wholesale Genocide
By [[SoDarkInHere|http://www.livevideo.com/video/SoDarkInHere/93127BC6A2C246D99EAFA5E335C3BBC8/wholesale-genocide.aspx]]
He's got a lot more of them.
Why am I mostly liberal, rather then conservative? I think it all boils down to my thinking that good people can make good decisions. I do not believe that I have to pass laws telling people what is right and wrong. They can determine that for themselves. If you think something is wrong, then don't do it.

* If you are against abortion, then don't have one.
* If you are against people owning guns, then don't buy one.
* If you are against same sex marriage then don't marry anyone of the same sex as you.
* If you think that sex between those of the same sex is wrong, then quit getting turned on by watching two girls making out at the club.
* If you are against tobacco then don't buy it. Even more, if that hottie at the bar has a cigarette then don't hit on them. It will be much better for both of you if you don't keep telling them they need to quit. Also vote for people who say they will quit subsidizing tobacco growers.
* If you are against people having orgies or threesomes, then stop attending them. Also quit buying porn that features such thing.
* Don't think that a strip joint is a moral place? Then quit going to them, even during a bachelor party.
* Think that people who commit adultery are wrong? Then quit sleeping with them.
* Think interracial dating/marriage is wrong? Then don't date anyone not as pure as you. Just to be sure how 'pure' you are, go get a DNA test done for yourself and anyone you want to date. Bet you get surprised at how often that 'pure' person ain't.
* Think prostitution is wrong? Then don't give one your money.
* Think porn is wrong? Then stop buying it, and stop watching it on the internet, and stop watching it on cable TV.
* Want to keep your kids safe from porn on the internet? Then watch what they do on the internet. Install Net Nanny or such.
* Want to keep your kids from getting picked up by adults they met on the internet? Then watch what they do on the internet. Also find out where they are going when they leave the house.
* Are you against gambling? Then don't do it. That includes buying lotto tickets, raffle tickets and bingo.
* Think that Sunday should only be a holy day? Then stay home on Sunday. If you do go out, then don't stop and buy a soda, food or gas. Don't buy the Sunday paper. Don't have it delivered to your house. Also stop watching TV, listening to the radio, or surfing the internet. Don't call the fire department, police or medics. All those people had to go to work on Sunday. Same goes for the folks providing you with electric, water and natural gas. Don't use any of that stuff. Don't go watch a football, baseball or soccer game. Also stop buying meat. I grantee that someone had to work on Sunday to keep those animals fed. Also don't own stock in a company that is open on Sunday.

Just do not force anyone else to do what you do, or do not do. Let them make up their own minds.

"Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards upon 'B', 'A' is most likely a scoundrel." -H.L. Mencken, writer, editor, and critic (1880-1956)
Typical statement that annoys me "Once she has some of this she'll be like 'Boyfriend who?'."

If you know someone has a SO (or 2 ) and that they do not have an open relationship, why are you trying to get them to cheat? Oh, wait. That's right! It is all about you getting your jollies, with no reguard for anyone elses feelings or emotions. And if you do get them to cheat with you and dump thier SO why would you expect them not to cheat on you? Dipshit.
Today I overheard someone refer to another person as a Bitch. I have never really understood why this is a derogatory term. First, the term means female dog. Now let's break that down:
* ''Dog:'' Many would claim that this is man's best friend. Sure, cat lovers might disagree, but most of us can say we like dogs. They are often much nicer then the roommates you've had. I say "You've had" as I've liked my roommates. But then I like most people.
* ''Female:'' In my opinion this is man's real best friend. OK, so there are times I don't want them around, but I've never wanted to spend more then a day or two without having one around me. And I mean "around me" in more ways then one.
Now since both of these words are things that we like, why the hell is it considered a put down? It seems to me that putting these two great thing together should be better then sliced bread. Not that I've ever been impressed by sliced bread. I think the only nice thing about it is that it means I don't wind up with some ham handed Neanderthal squashing the loaf as he tries to use a knife that is almost as sharp as a 2x4 to cut the loaf into slices.

Now where was I? Oh, yes, ''bitch''. I think it all boils down to society thinking that women are second class citizens. Why? My mother was a woman. She was in no way second class. I'm willing to bet that you feel the same way about you mother. So, if you are following my logic on this then, then why would you refer to someone as a bitch if you didn't like them?

Another word I don't get is Pussy. Ever since I was a young lad, I have loved and desired pussy. I have never thought it was a bad thing. I mean, I think it is a pleasure to have around... me :-)
<html><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://embed.break.com/MjAwMzY5"></param><embed src="http://embed.break.com/MjAwMzY5" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="350"></embed></object></html>
!Why you shouldn't do this at work
Best reason I have seen yet to get wireless headphones.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/537495/amish_paradise.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/537495/amish_paradise/">Amish Paradise</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>For more of the funniest videos, click here</a></font></html>
!Wierd Al - Amish Paradise
As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain
But that's just perfect for an Amish like me
You know, I shun fancy things like electricity
At 4:30 in the morning I'm milkin' cows
Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows... fool
And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that
Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone
I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline
Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine
Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
I've churned butter once or twice
Living in an Amish paradise
It's hard work and sacrifice
Living in an Amish paradise
We sell quilts at discount price
Living in an Amish paradise

A local boy kicked me in the butt last week
I just smiled at him and turned the other cheek
I really don't care, in fact I wish him well
'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in hell
But I ain't never punched a tourist even if he deserved it
An Amish with a 'tude? You know that's unheard of
I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat
And my homies agree, I really look good in black...fool
If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears
We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years
But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare
We're just technologically impaired

There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar
Not a single luxury
Like Robinson Caruso
It's as primitive as can be

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're just plain and simple guys
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no time for sin and vice
Living in an Amish paradise
We don't fight, we all play nice
Living in an Amish paradise

Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter
Raised a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise anoder
Think you're really righteous? Think you're pure in heart?
Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art
I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like
On my knees day and night scorin' points for the afterlife
So don't be vain and don't be whiny
Or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your heinie

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're all crazy Mennonites
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no cops or traffic lights
Living in an Amish paradise
But you'd probably think it bites
Living in an Amish paradise

<html><table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tr><td align="center"><embed src="http://www.livevideo.com/flvplayer/flvplayer.swf?autoStart=0&popup=1&scale_it=1&video=http%3a%2f%2fwww.livevideo.com%2fmedia%2fgetflashvideo.ashx%3fcid%3dFFFED9B8064F4CDA988D0484F6D1B31C%26rby%3d15683-32699%26popup%3d1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" quality="high" WIDTH="445" HEIGHT="405" wmode="transparent"></embed><br/><a target="_new" href="http://www.livevideo.com/video/FFFED9B8064F4CDA988D0484F6D1B31C/wife-swap-for-swingers.aspx?tx_cid=15683&tx_event=embedLink">WIFE SWAP - FOR SWINGERS</a></td></tr></table></html>
!Wife Swap? I'm for that
Friends with benefits works for me. It's not like these are total strangers he wants to sleep with. But really he needs to learn to 1) make sure that is what's being discussed, and 2) Be sure and discuss it with his SO before hand.
<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/531884/wii_ad.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/531884/wii_ad/">Wii Ad</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>Watch the best video clips here</a></font></html>
!Wii Real
What if it happen for real? Could you save her? Or would you wind up having another low score, just like the last time?
<html><iframe width="640" height="480" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/5zbynl0Ls04" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></html>
!Wisin y Yandel - Mirala Bien
Not a clue as to what they are saying, but it sounds and looks good. It's the type of music I like to clean the house to.
<html><embed flashVars="playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/325856/womansdream.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/325856/womansdream/">Womansdream - video powered by Metacafe</a></font></html>
We're using to seeing male fantasies in countless ...beer ads! Here's a female (well, 90% of them and 10% of the guys) fantasy from a Peugeot ad!
A nice little word find game with an adult list of words.
Click on each letter, and once a word is spelled it gets crossed off the list at the bottom.
[[Click here to start game|http://almostporn.net/wordfind.htm]]
Opens in a separate tab/window.
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!World of Warcraft Contraceptive
Have a boyfriend that is always thinking about sex? Just get him a subscription to World of Warcraft. No longer will you have to put up with his constant demands. WOW does not cause pregnancy or STDs or stop you from going shoe shopping.

Maybe this is what the Right Wing wackos need to do to actually get that abstinence thing to catch on. Just buy all young males a WOW account.  
[[Many Teens Who Take 'Virginity Pledges' Substitute Other High-Risk Behavior for Intercourse, Study Says|http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/medicalnews.php?newsid=21606]] Basically, if you are an underage  male looking to find a girl into anal or oral sex, look for one who has taken a abstinence pledge. Of course, you also have a greater chance of getting an STD from them.

<html><embed flashVars="altServerURL=http://www.metacafe.com&playerVars=showStats=no|autoPlay=yes|blogName=AlmostPorn.net|blogURL=http://almostporn.net/index.html#SiteMap" src="http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/526620/worst_job_ever.swf" width="498" height="420" wmode="transparent" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed><br><font size = 1><a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/526620/worst_job_ever/">Worst Job Ever</a> - <a href='http://www.metacafe.com/'>The funniest home videos are here</a></font></html>
!Worst Job Ever
When you get paid to do this, does it count as prostitution? Oh, well. Guess it is better then if he was doing it as a hobby.
The cycle XXX 30 Porn Star Portraits features portraits of American porn stars shown in two different shots, one in the nude and one with clothing. Otherwise the two images are absolutely identical in terms of proportions, pose, expression, color of the monochrome backdrop. The classic reference to the famous work by Goya La Maja Vestida/La Maja Desnuda is clearly evident. What is striking about these portraits is the proud composure of the subjects, presented in life-size prints in the exhibition. The diptychs are made in two sizes: 50.8 x 81 cm in an edition of six multiples, and 147 x 223 cm in editions of three.

Go here to find out who they are, and see them as you normally do. http://www.paolocurti.com/greenfield/greenfield.htm

Tera Patrick, Tawny Roberts, May Ling Su, Kira Kener 
Brina Banks, Jeremy Jordan & Jason Hawke, Jesse Jane, Heather Hunter

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!Xena & Gabrielle bathing
I don't remember this version from my local TV station...but I like it.

This is a real player: http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/player/profile?playerId=148900
<html><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/LFTDqyHrsP8"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/LFTDqyHrsP8" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object></html>

It grows on you like a fungus you can't reach. Irritating, but it makes your skin look neat, so you leave it.
Do you need a number to hand out to those loser that are hitting on you? Or maybe some online service is asking for a number?
Give'em this one and tell'em like it is.
''668-224-2623'' (~Not-A-Chance)

Also when a phone solicitor/survey person calls I like to play a little game with them. I call it tit-for-tat. See, what I do is make them answer a question for every bit of info they ask me for. I like to ask odd questions like "What color underwear are you wearing?", "Boxers, Briefs, or Freestyle?", "How does it make you feel to be working in an industry that is hated only 10% less then lawyers?", "Which do you prefer: Swallowing or Spiting?". If they don't want to give me a decent answer then I tell them if they will not answer then I might as well leave. It is amazing how many will start answering just to keep me on the line. Once they give in my questions get more personal and... naughty. I am hoping to tape some for release on the internet so we all can share.
<html><div><object width="425" height="335"><param name="movie" value="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/3eUNv9Jed8hoY5Tzu"></param><param name="allowfullscreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.dailymotion.com/swf/3eUNv9Jed8hoY5Tzu" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="334" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object><br /><b><a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xu4b0_your-wife-called">your wife called</a></b><br /><i>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/aoofy">aoofy</a></i></div></html>

This is why I take my phone with me.
|''Version:''|2.1.5 (2010-02-16)|
|''Author:''|UdoBorkowski (ub [at] abego-software [dot] de)|
|''Licence:''|[[BSD open source license (abego Software)|http://www.abego-software.de/legal/apl-v10.html]]|
|''Copyright:''|&copy; 2005-2010 [[abego Software|http://www.abego-software.de]]|
|''Browser:''|Firefox 1.0.4+; Firefox 1.5; ~InternetExplorer 6.0|
!About YourSearch
YourSearch gives you a bunch of new features to simplify and speed up your daily searches in TiddlyWiki. It seamlessly integrates into the standard TiddlyWiki search: just start typing into the 'search' field and explore!

For more information see [[Help|YourSearch Help]].
This plugin requires TiddlyWiki 2.1. 
Check the [[archive|http://tiddlywiki.abego-software.de/archive]] for ~YourSearchPlugins supporting older versions of TiddlyWiki.
!Source Code
This plugin's source code is compressed (and hidden). Use this [[link|http://tiddlywiki.abego-software.de/archive/YourSearchPlugin/Plugin-YourSearch-src.2.1.5.js]] to get the readable source code.
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_e0;var _e1=function(){if(version.extensions.YourSearchPlugin.styleSheetInited){return;}version.extensions.YourSearchPlugin.styleSheetInited=true;setStylesheet(store.getTiddlerText("YourSearchStyleSheet"),"yourSearch");};var _e2=function(){return _dd!=null&&_dd.parentNode==document.body;};var _e3=function(){if(_e2()){document.body.removeChild(_dd);}};var _e4=function(e){_e3();var _e5=this.getAttribute("tiddlyLink");if(_e5){var _e6=this.getAttribute("withHilite");var _e7=highlightHack;if(_e6&&_e6=="true"&&_b2){highlightHack=_b2.getMarkRegExp();}story.displayTiddler(this,_e5);highlightHack=_e7;}return (false);};var _e8=function(){if(!_de){return;}var _e9=_de;var _ea=findPosX(_e9);var _eb=findPosY(_e9);var _ec=_e9.offsetHeight;var _ed=_ea;var _ee=_eb+_ec;var _ef=findWindowWidth();if(_ef<_dd.offsetWidth){_dd.style.width=(_ef-100)+"px";_ef=findWindowWidth();}var _f0=_dd.offsetWidth;if(_ed+_f0>_ef){_ed=_ef-_f0-30;}if(_ed<0){_ed=0;}_dd.style.left=_ed+"px";_dd.style.top=_ee+"px";_dd.style.display="block";};var _f1=function(){if(_dd){window.scrollTo(0,ensureVisible(_dd));}if(_de){window.scrollTo(0,ensureVisible(_de));}};var _f2=function(){_e8();_f1();};var _f3;var _f4;var _f5=new abego.PageWiseRenderer();var _f6=function(_f7){this.itemHtml=store.getTiddlerText("YourSearchItemTemplate");if(!this.itemHtml){_b0("YourSearchItemTemplate not found");}this.place=document.getElementById(_db);if(!this.place){this.place=createTiddlyElement(_f7,"div",_db);}};merge(_f6.prototype,{render:function(_f8,_f9,_fa,_fb){_f3=_fb;_f4=_f9;var _fc=createTiddlyElement(this.place,"div",null,"yourSearchItem");_fc.innerHTML=this.itemHtml;applyHtmlMacros(_fc,null);refreshElements(_fc,null);},endRendering:function(_fd){_f4=null;}});var _fe=function(){if(!_dd||!_de){return;}var _ff=store.getTiddlerText("YourSearchResultTemplate");if(!_ff){_ff="<b>Tiddler YourSearchResultTemplate not found</b>";}_dd.innerHTML=_ff;applyHtmlMacros(_dd,null);refreshElements(_dd,null);var _100=new _f6(_dd);_f5.renderPage(_100);_f2();};_f5.getItemsPerPage=function(){var n=(config.options.chkPreviewText)?abego.toInt(config.options.txtItemsPerPageWithPreview,_d9):abego.toInt(config.options.txtItemsPerPage,_d8);return (n>0)?n:1;};_f5.onPageChanged=function(){_fe();};var _101=function(){if(_de==null||!config.options.chkUseYourSearch){return;}if((_de.value==_dc)&&_dc&&!_e2()){if(_dd&&(_dd.parentNode!=document.body)){document.body.appendChild(_dd);_f2();}else{abego.YourSearch.onShowResult(true);}}};var _102=function(){_e3();_dd=null;_dc=null;};var _103=function(self,e){while(e!=null){if(self==e){return true;}e=e.parentNode;}return false;};var _104=function(e){if(e.target==_de){return;}if(e.target==_df){return;}if(_dd&&_103(_dd,e.target)){return;}_e3();};var _105=function(e){if(e.keyCode==27){_e3();}};addEvent(document,"click",_104);addEvent(document,"keyup",_105);var _106=function(text,_107,_108){_dc=text;_b3(_c5(store,text,_107,_108,"title","excludeSearch"));abego.YourSearch.onShowResult();};var _109=function(_10a,_10b,_10c,_10d,_10e,_10f){_e1();_dc="";var _110=null;var _111=function(txt){if(config.options.chkUseYourSearch){_106(txt.value,config.options.chkCaseSensitiveSearch,config.options.chkRegExpSearch);}else{story.search(txt.value,config.options.chkCaseSensitiveSearch,config.options.chkRegExpSearch);}_dc=txt.value;};var _112=function(e){_111(_de);return false;};var _113=function(e){if(!e){var e=window.event;}_de=this;switch(e.keyCode){case 13:if(e.ctrlKey&&_e0&&_e2()){_e0.onclick.apply(_e0,[e]);}else{_111(this);}break;case 27:if(_e2()){_e3();}else{this.value="";clearMessage();}break;}if(String.fromCharCode(e.keyCode)==this.accessKey||e.altKey){_101();}if(this.value.length<3&&_110){clearTimeout(_110);}if(this.value.length>2){if(this.value!=_dc){if(!config.options.chkUseYourSearch||config.options.chkSearchAsYouType){if(_110){clearTimeout(_110);}var txt=this;_110=setTimeout(function(){_111(txt);},500);}}else{if(_110){clearTimeout(_110);}}}if(this.value.length==0){_e3();}};var _114=function(e){this.select();clearMessage();_101();};var args=_10e.parseParams("list",null,true);var _115=getFlag(args,"buttonAtRight");var _116=getParam(args,"sizeTextbox",this.sizeTextbox);var btn;if(!_115){btn=createTiddlyButton(_10a,this.label,this.prompt,_112);}var txt=createTiddlyElement(null,"input",null,"txtOptionInput searchField",null);if(_10c[0]){txt.value=_10c[0];}txt.onkeyup=_113;txt.onfocus=_114;txt.setAttribute("size",_116);txt.setAttribute("accessKey",this.accessKey);txt.setAttribute("autocomplete","off");if(config.browser.isSafari){txt.setAttribute("type","search");txt.setAttribute("results","5");}else{txt.setAttribute("type","text");}if(_10a){_10a.appendChild(txt);}if(_115){btn=createTiddlyButton(_10a,this.label,this.prompt,_112);}_de=txt;_df=btn;};var _117=function(){_e3();var _118=_b5();var n=_118.length;if(n){var _119=[];for(var i=0;i<n;i++){_119.push(_118[i].title);}story.displayTiddlers(null,_119);}};var _11a=function(_11b,_11c,_11d,_11e){invokeMacro(_11b,"option",_11c,_11d,_11e);var elem=_11b.lastChild;var _11f=elem.onclick;elem.onclick=function(e){var _120=_11f.apply(this,arguments);_fe();return _120;};return elem;};var _121=function(s){var _122=["''","{{{","}}}","//","<<<","/***","***/"];var _123="";for(var i=0;i<_122.length;i++){if(i!=0){_123+="|";}_123+="("+_122[i].escapeRegExp()+")";}return s.replace(new RegExp(_123,"mg"),"").trim();};var _124=function(){var i=_f3;return (i>=0&&i<=9)?(i<9?(i+1):0):-1;};var _125=new abego.LimitedTextRenderer();var _126=function(_127,s,_128){_125.render(_127,s,_128,_b2.getMarkRegExp());};var _129=TiddlyWiki.prototype.saveTiddler;TiddlyWiki.prototype.saveTiddler=function(_12a,_12b,_12c,_12d,_12e,tags,_12f){_129.apply(this,arguments);_102();};var _130=TiddlyWiki.prototype.removeTiddler;TiddlyWiki.prototype.removeTiddler=function(_131){_130.apply(this,arguments);_102();};config.macros.yourSearch={label:"yourSearch",prompt:"Gives access to the current/last YourSearch result",handler:function(_132,_133,_134,_135,_136,_137){if(_134.length==0){return;}var name=_134[0];var func=config.macros.yourSearch.funcs[name];if(func){func(_132,_133,_134,_135,_136,_137);}},tests:{"true":function(){return true;},"false":function(){return false;},"found":function(){return _b6()>0;},"previewText":function(){return config.options.chkPreviewText;}},funcs:{itemRange:function(_138){if(_b6()){var _139=_f5.getLastIndexOnPage();var s="%0 - %1".format([_f5.getFirstIndexOnPage()+1,_139+1]);createTiddlyText(_138,s);}},count:function(_13a){createTiddlyText(_13a,_b6().toString());},query:function(_13b){if(_b2){createTiddlyText(_13b,_b2.toString());}},version:function(_13c){var t="YourSearch %0.%1.%2".format([version.extensions.YourSearchPlugin.major,version.extensions.YourSearchPlugin.minor,version.extensions.YourSearchPlugin.revision]);var e=createTiddlyElement(_13c,"a");e.setAttribute("href","http://tiddlywiki.abego-software.de/#YourSearchPlugin");e.innerHTML="<font color=\"black\" face=\"Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif\">"+t+"<font>";},copyright:function(_13d){var e=createTiddlyElement(_13d,"a");e.setAttribute("href","http://www.abego-software.de");e.innerHTML="<font color=\"black\" face=\"Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif\">&copy; 2005-2008 <b><font color=\"red\">abego</font></b> Software<font>";},newTiddlerButton:function(_13e){if(_b2){var r=abego.parseNewTiddlerCommandLine(_b2.getQueryText());var btn=config.macros.newTiddler.createNewTiddlerButton(_13e,r.title,r.params,"new tiddler","Create a new tiddler based on search text. (Shortcut: Ctrl-Enter; Separators: '.', '#')",null,"text");var _13f=btn.onclick;btn.onclick=function(){_e3();_13f.apply(this,arguments);};_e0=btn;}},linkButton:function(_140,_141,_142,_143,_144,_145){if(_142<2){return;}var _146=_142[1];var text=_142<3?_146:_142[2];var _147=_142<4?text:_142[3];var _148=_142<5?null:_142[4];var btn=createTiddlyButton(_140,text,_147,_e4,null,null,_148);btn.setAttribute("tiddlyLink",_146);},closeButton:function(_149,_14a,_14b,_14c,_14d,_14e){var _14f=createTiddlyButton(_149,"close","Close the Search Results (Shortcut: ESC)",_e3);},openAllButton:function(_150,_151,_152,_153,_154,_155){var n=_b6();if(n==0){return;}var _156=n==1?"open tiddler":"open all %0 tiddlers".format([n]);var _157=createTiddlyButton(_150,_156,"Open all found tiddlers (Shortcut: Alt-O)",_117);_157.setAttribute("accessKey","O");},naviBar:function(_158,_159,_15a,_15b,_15c,_15d){_f5.addPageNavigation(_158);},"if":function(_15e,_15f,_160,_161,_162,_163){if(_160.length<2){return;}var _164=_160[1];var _165=(_164=="not");if(_165){if(_160.length<3){return;}_164=_160[2];}var test=config.macros.yourSearch.tests[_164];var _166=false;try{if(test){_166=test(_15e,_15f,_160,_161,_162,_163)!=_165;}else{_166=(!eval(_164))==_165;}}catch(ex){}if(!_166){_15e.style.display="none";}},chkPreviewText:function(_167,_168,_169,_16a,_16b,_16c){var _16d=_169.slice(1).join(" ");var elem=_11a(_167,"chkPreviewText",_16a,_16c);elem.setAttribute("accessKey","P");elem.title="Show text preview of found tiddlers (Shortcut: Alt-P)";return elem;}}};config.macros.foundTiddler={label:"foundTiddler",prompt:"Provides information on the tiddler currently processed on the YourSearch result page",handler:function(_16e,_16f,_170,_171,_172,_173){var name=_170[0];var func=config.macros.foundTiddler.funcs[name];if(func){func(_16e,_16f,_170,_171,_172,_173);}},funcs:{title:function(_174,_175,_176,_177,_178,_179){if(!_f4){return;}var _17a=_124();var _17b=_17a>=0?"Open tiddler (Shortcut: Alt-%0)".format([_17a.toString()]):"Open tiddler";var btn=createTiddlyButton(_174,null,_17b,_e4,null);btn.setAttribute("tiddlyLink",_f4.title);btn.setAttribute("withHilite","true");_126(btn,_f4.title,_d4);if(_17a>=0){btn.setAttribute("accessKey",_17a.toString());}},tags:function(_17c,_17d,_17e,_17f,_180,_181){if(!_f4){return;}_126(_17c,_f4.getTags(),_d5);},text:function(_182,_183,_184,_185,_186,_187){if(!_f4){return;}_126(_182,_121(_f4.text),_d6);},field:function(_188,_189,_18a,_18b,_18c,_18d){if(!_f4){return;}var name=_18a[1];var len=_18a.length>2?abego.toInt(_18a[2],_d7):_d7;var v=store.getValue(_f4,name);if(v){_126(_188,_121(v),len);}},number:function(_18e,_18f,_190,_191,_192,_193){var _194=_124();if(_194>=0){var text="%0)".format([_194.toString()]);createTiddlyElement(_18e,"span",null,"shortcutNumber",text);}}}};var opts={chkUseYourSearch:true,chkPreviewText:true,chkSearchAsYouType:true,chkSearchInTitle:true,chkSearchInText:true,chkSearchInTags:true,chkSearchExtendedFields:true,txtItemsPerPage:_d8,txtItemsPerPageWithPreview:_d9};for(var n in opts){if(config.options[n]==undefined){config.options[n]=opts[n];}}config.shadowTiddlers.AdvancedOptions+="\n<<option chkUseYourSearch>> Use 'Your Search' //([[more options|YourSearch Options]]) ([[help|YourSearch Help]])// ";config.shadowTiddlers["YourSearch Help"]="!Field Search\nWith the Field Search you can restrict your search to certain fields of a tiddler, e.g"+" only search the tags or only the titles. The general form is //fieldname//'':''//textToSearch// (e."+"g. {{{title:intro}}}). In addition one-character shortcuts are also supported for the standard field"+"s {{{title}}}, {{{text}}} and {{{tags}}}:\n|!What you want|!What you type|!Example|\n|Search ''titles "+"only''|start word with ''!''|{{{!jonny}}} (shortcut for {{{title:jonny}}})|\n|Search ''contents/text "+"only''|start word with ''%''|{{{%football}}} (shortcut for {{{text:football}}})|\n|Search ''tags only"+"''|start word with ''#''|{{{#Plugin}}} (shortcut for {{{tags:Plugin}}})|\n\nUsing this feature you may"+" also search the extended fields (\"Metadata\") introduced with TiddlyWiki 2.1, e.g. use {{{priority:1"+"}}} to find all tiddlers with the priority field set to \"1\".\n\nYou may search a word in more than one"+" field. E.g. {{{!#Plugin}}} (or {{{title:tags:Plugin}}} in the \"long form\") finds tiddlers containin"+"g \"Plugin\" either in the title or in the tags (but does not look for \"Plugin\" in the text). \n\n!Boole"+"an Search\nThe Boolean Search is useful when searching for multiple words.\n|!What you want|!What you "+"type|!Example|\n|''All words'' must exist|List of words|{{{jonny jeremy}}} (or {{{jonny and jeremy}}}"+")|\n|''At least one word'' must exist|Separate words by ''or''|{{{jonny or jeremy}}}|\n|A word ''must "+"not exist''|Start word with ''-''|{{{-jonny}}} (or {{{not jonny}}})|\n\n''Note:'' When you specify two"+" words, separated with a space, YourSearch finds all tiddlers that contain both words, but not neces"+"sarily next to each other. If you want to find a sequence of word, e.g. '{{{John Brown}}}', you need"+" to put the words into quotes. I.e. you type: {{{\"john brown\"}}}.\n\nUsing parenthesis you may change "+"the default \"left to right\" evaluation of the boolean search. E.g. {{{not (jonny or jeremy)}}} finds"+" all tiddlers that contain neither \"jonny\" nor \"jeremy. In contrast to this {{{not jonny or jeremy}}"+"} (i.e. without parenthesis) finds all tiddlers that either don't contain \"jonny\" or that contain \"j"+"eremy\".\n\n!'Exact Word' Search\nBy default a search result all matches that 'contain' the searched tex"+"t. E.g. if you search for {{{Task}}} you will get all tiddlers containing 'Task', but also '~Complet"+"edTask', '~TaskForce' etc.\n\nIf you only want to get the tiddlers that contain 'exactly the word' you"+" need to prefix it with a '='. E.g. typing '=Task' will find the tiddlers that contain the word 'Tas"+"k', ignoring words that just contain 'Task' as a substring.\n\n!~CaseSensitiveSearch and ~RegExpSearch"+"\nThe standard search options ~CaseSensitiveSearch and ~RegExpSearch are fully supported by YourSearc"+"h. However when ''~RegExpSearch'' is on Filtered and Boolean Search are disabled.\n\nIn addition you m"+"ay do a \"regular expression\" search even with the ''~RegExpSearch'' set to false by directly enterin"+"g the regular expression into the search field, framed with {{{/.../}}}. \n\nExample: {{{/m[ae][iy]er/"+"}}} will find all tiddlers that contain either \"maier\", \"mayer\", \"meier\" or \"meyer\".\n\n!~JavaScript E"+"xpression Filtering\nIf you are familiar with JavaScript programming and know some TiddlyWiki interna"+"ls you may also use JavaScript expression for the search. Just enter a JavaScript boolean expression"+" into the search field, framed with {{{ { ... } }}}. In the code refer to the variable tiddler and e"+"valuate to {{{true}}} when the given tiddler should be included in the result. \n\nExample: {{{ { tidd"+"ler.modified > new Date(\"Jul 4, 2005\")} }}} returns all tiddler modified after July 4th, 2005.\n\n!Com"+"bined Search\nYou are free to combine the various search options. \n\n''Examples''\n|!What you type|!Res"+"ult|\n|{{{!jonny !jeremy -%football}}}|all tiddlers with both {{{jonny}}} and {{{jeremy}}} in its tit"+"les, but no {{{football}}} in content.|\n|{{{#=Task}}}|All tiddlers tagged with 'Task' (the exact wor"+"d). Tags named '~CompletedTask', '~TaskForce' etc. are not considered.|\n\n!Access Keys\nYou are encour"+"aged to use the access keys (also called \"shortcut\" keys) for the most frequently used operations. F"+"or quick reference these shortcuts are also mentioned in the tooltip for the various buttons etc.\n\n|"+"!Key|!Operation|\n|{{{Alt-F}}}|''The most important keystroke'': It moves the cursor to the search in"+"put field so you can directly start typing your query. Pressing {{{Alt-F}}} will also display the pr"+"evious search result. This way you can quickly display multiple tiddlers using \"Press {{{Alt-F}}}. S"+"elect tiddler.\" sequences.|\n|{{{ESC}}}|Closes the [[YourSearch Result]]. When the [[YourSearch Resul"+"t]] is already closed and the cursor is in the search input field the field's content is cleared so "+"you start a new query.|\n|{{{Alt-1}}}, {{{Alt-2}}},... |Pressing these keys opens the first, second e"+"tc. tiddler from the result list.|\n|{{{Alt-O}}}|Opens all found tiddlers.|\n|{{{Alt-P}}}|Toggles the "+"'Preview Text' mode.|\n|{{{Alt-'<'}}}, {{{Alt-'>'}}}|Displays the previous or next page in the [[Your"+"Search Result]].|\n|{{{Return}}}|When you have turned off the 'as you type' search mode pressing the "+"{{{Return}}} key actually starts the search (as does pressing the 'search' button).|\n\n//If some of t"+"hese shortcuts don't work for you check your browser if you have other extensions installed that alr"+"eady \"use\" these shortcuts.//";config.shadowTiddlers["YourSearch Options"]="|>|!YourSearch Options|\n|>|<<option chkUseYourSearch>> Use 'Your Search'|\n|!|<<option chkPreviewText"+">> Show Text Preview|\n|!|<<option chkSearchAsYouType>> 'Search As You Type' Mode (No RETURN required"+" to start search)|\n|!|Default Search Filter:<<option chkSearchInTitle>>Title ('!')     <<option chk"+"SearchInText>>Text ('%')     <<option chkSearchInTags>>Tags ('#')    <<option chkSearchExtendedFiel"+"ds>>Extended Fields<html><br><font size=\"-2\">The fields of a tiddlers that are searched when you don"+"'t explicitly specify a filter in the search text <br>(Explictly specify fields using one or more '!"+"', '%', '#' or 'fieldname:' prefix before the word/text to find).</font></html>|\n|!|Number of items "+"on search result page: <<option txtItemsPerPage>>|\n|!|Number of items on search result page with pre"+"view text: <<option txtItemsPerPageWithPreview>>|\n";config.shadowTiddlers["YourSearchStyleSheet"]="/***\n!~YourSearchResult Stylesheet\n***/\n/*{{{*/\n.yourSearchResult {\n\tposition: absolute;\n\twidth: 800"+"px;\n\n\tpadding: 0.2em;\n\tlist-style: none;\n\tmargin: 0;\n\n\tbackground: #ffd;\n\tborder: 1px solid DarkGra"+"y;\n}\n\n/*}}}*/\n/***\n!!Summary Section\n***/\n/*{{{*/\n.yourSearchResult .summary {\n\tborder-bottom-width:"+" thin;\n\tborder-bottom-style: solid;\n\tborder-bottom-color: #999999;\n\tpadding-bottom: 4px;\n}\n\n.yourSea"+"rchRange, .yourSearchCount, .yourSearchQuery   {\n\tfont-weight: bold;\n}\n\n.yourSearchResult .summary ."+"button {\n\tfont-size: 10px;\n\n\tpadding-left: 0.3em;\n\tpadding-right: 0.3em;\n}\n\n.yourSearchResult .summa"+"ry .chkBoxLabel {\n\tfont-size: 10px;\n\n\tpadding-right: 0.3em;\n}\n\n/*}}}*/\n/***\n!!Items Area\n***/\n/*{{{*"+"/\n.yourSearchResult .marked {\n\tbackground: none;\n\tfont-weight: bold;\n}\n\n.yourSearchItem {\n\tmargin-to"+"p: 2px;\n}\n\n.yourSearchNumber {\n\tcolor: #808080;\n}\n\n\n.yourSearchTags {\n\tcolor: #008000;\n}\n\n.yourSearc"+"hText {\n\tcolor: #808080;\n\tmargin-bottom: 6px;\n}\n\n/*}}}*/\n/***\n!!Footer\n***/\n/*{{{*/\n.yourSearchFoote"+"r {\n\tmargin-top: 8px;\n\tborder-top-width: thin;\n\tborder-top-style: solid;\n\tborder-top-color: #999999;"+"\n}\n\n.yourSearchFooter a:hover{\n\tbackground: none;\n\tcolor: none;\n}\n/*}}}*/\n/***\n!!Navigation Bar\n***/"+"\n/*{{{*/\n.yourSearchNaviBar a {\n\tfont-size: 16px;\n\tmargin-left: 4px;\n\tmargin-right: 4px;\n\tcolor: bla"+"ck;\n\ttext-decoration: underline;\n}\n\n.yourSearchNaviBar a:hover {\n\tbackground-color: none;\n}\n\n.yourSe"+"archNaviBar .prev {\n\tfont-weight: bold;\n\tcolor: blue;\n}\n\n.yourSearchNaviBar .currentPage {\n\tcolor: #"+"FF0000;\n\tfont-weight: bold;\n\ttext-decoration: none;\n}\n\n.yourSearchNaviBar .next {\n\tfont-weight: bold"+";\n\tcolor: blue;\n}\n/*}}}*/\n";config.shadowTiddlers["YourSearchResultTemplate"]="<!--\n{{{\n-->\n<span macro=\"yourSearch if found\">\n<!-- The Summary Header ============================"+"================ -->\n<table class=\"summary\" border=\"0\" width=\"100%\" cellspacing=\"0\" cellpadding=\"0\">"+"<tbody>\n  <tr>\n\t<td align=\"left\">\n\t\tYourSearch Result <span class=\"yourSearchRange\" macro=\"yourSearc"+"h itemRange\"></span>\n\t\t&nbsp;of&nbsp;<span class=\"yourSearchCount\" macro=\"yourSearch count\"></span>\n"+"\t\tfor&nbsp;<span class=\"yourSearchQuery\" macro=\"yourSearch query\"></span>\n\t</td>\n\t<td class=\"yourSea"+"rchButtons\" align=\"right\">\n\t\t<span macro=\"yourSearch chkPreviewText\"></span><span class=\"chkBoxLabel"+"\">preview text</span>\n\t\t<span macro=\"yourSearch newTiddlerButton\"></span>\n\t\t<span macro=\"yourSearch openAllButton\"></span>\n\t\t<span macro=\"yourSearch lin"+"kButton 'YourSearch Options' options 'Configure YourSearch'\"></span>\n\t\t<span macro=\"yourSearch linkB"+"utton 'YourSearch Help' help 'Get help how to use YourSearch'\"></span>\n\t\t<span macro=\"yourSearch clo"+"seButton\"></span>\n\t</td>\n  </tr>\n</tbody></table>\n\n<!-- The List of Found Tiddlers ================="+"=========================== -->\n<div id=\"yourSearchResultItems\" itemsPerPage=\"25\" itemsPerPageWithPr"+"eview=\"10\"></div>\n\n<!-- The Footer (with the Navigation) ==========================================="+"= -->\n<table class=\"yourSearchFooter\" border=\"0\" width=\"100%\" cellspacing=\"0\" cellpadding=\"0\"><tbody"+">\n  <tr>\n\t<td align=\"left\">\n\t\tResult page: <span class=\"yourSearchNaviBar\" macro=\"yourSearch naviBar"+"\"></span>\n\t</td>\n\t<td align=\"right\"><span macro=\"yourSearch version\"></span>, <span macro=\"yourSearc"+"h copyright\"></span>\n\t</td>\n  </tr>\n</tbody></table>\n<!-- end of the 'tiddlers found' case ========="+"================================== -->\n</span>\n\n\n<!-- The \"No tiddlers found\" case ================="+"========================== -->\n<span macro=\"yourSearch if not found\">\n<table class=\"summary\" border="+"\"0\" width=\"100%\" cellspacing=\"0\" cellpadding=\"0\"><tbody>\n  <tr>\n\t<td align=\"left\">\n\t\tYourSearch Resu"+"lt: No tiddlers found for <span class=\"yourSearchQuery\" macro=\"yourSearch query\"></span>.\n\t</td>\n\t<t"+"d class=\"yourSearchButtons\" align=\"right\">\n\t\t<span macro=\"yourSearch newTiddlerButton\"></span>\n\t\t<span macro=\"yourSearch linkButton 'YourSearch Options'"+" options 'Configure YourSearch'\"></span>\n\t\t<span macro=\"yourSearch linkButton 'YourSearch Help' help"+" 'Get help how to use YourSearch'\"></span>\n\t\t<span macro=\"yourSearch closeButton\"></span>\n\t</td>\n  <"+"/tr>\n</tbody></table>\n</span>\n\n\n<!--\n}}}\n-->\n";config.shadowTiddlers["YourSearchItemTemplate"]="<!--\n{{{\n-->\n<span class='yourSearchNumber' macro='foundTiddler number'></span>\n<span class='yourSea"+"rchTitle' macro='foundTiddler title'/></span>&nbsp;-&nbsp;\n<span class='yourSearchTags' macro='found"+"Tiddler field tags 50'/></span>\n<span macro=\"yourSearch if previewText\"><div class='yourSearchText' macro='fo"+"undTiddler field text 250'/></div></span>\n<!--\n}}}\n-->";config.shadowTiddlers["YourSearch"]="<<tiddler [[YourSearch Help]]>>";config.shadowTiddlers["YourSearch Result"]="The popup-like window displaying the result of a YourSearch query.";config.macros.search.handler=_109;var _195=function(){if(config.macros.search.handler!=_109){alert("Message from YourSearchPlugin:\n\n\nAnother plugin has disabled the 'Your Search' features.\n\n\nYou may "+"disable the other plugin or change the load order of \nthe plugins (by changing the names of the tidd"+"lers)\nto enable the 'Your Search' features.");}};setTimeout(_195,5000);abego.YourSearch.getStandardRankFunction=function(){return _bb;};abego.YourSearch.getRankFunction=function(){return abego.YourSearch.getStandardRankFunction();};abego.YourSearch.getCurrentTiddler=function(){return _f4;};abego.YourSearch.closeResult=function(){_e3();};abego.YourSearch.getFoundTiddlers=function(){return _b1;};abego.YourSearch.getQuery=function(){return _b2;};abego.YourSearch.onShowResult=function(_196){highlightHack=_b2?_b2.getMarkRegExp():null;if(!_196){_f5.setItems(_b5());}if(!_dd){_dd=createTiddlyElement(document.body,"div",_da,"yourSearchResult");}else{if(_dd.parentNode!=document.body){document.body.appendChild(_dd);}}_fe();highlightHack=null;};})();}
Today at work as I was walking back from getting coffee one of my favorite little pieces of eye candy came bouncing around the corner. She is a short, zaftig, honey colored thing with large lovely breast and a butterfly tattooed just above them.

She was clutching several footish long zuchinis up to those lovelies with one arm, nestling them in between. She knew exactly how it looked for as soon as she saw where I was looking she ducked her head down, grinned and started to blush. Oh, the thoughts it made go through my head.
<<tiddler MainMenu>>

// Specify your account number here!
_uacct = "UA-80126-3";

// CustomTracker as a namespace for tracking related functions
var CustomTracker = {
// store a reference to the original displayTiddler function
displayTiddler: story.displayTiddler

CustomTracker.track = function() {
if (readOnly) {
urchinTracker.apply(this, arguments);

CustomTracker.trackAndDisplayTiddler = function(srcElement, titles) {
// log with the tracker
CustomTracker.track('/' + titles);
// call the original displayTiddler function

// replace the default displayTiddler function with a tracking version
story.displayTiddler = CustomTracker.trackAndDisplayTiddler;

// Call once for the initial page load